last day of school for my freshman year!!!  Wow, that actually is a kinda cool thing, ain’t it.   I don’t really think that the totality of that statement really hit me until I saw me writing that just a moment ago…wow… I’m a Junior in college!  In a few months… Wow.

So I thought a couple of days ago about the coolest thing about this whole thing… Just one year ago, before I quit my job, I received an employee review.  “Average” was the outcome, straight up average.  I received “3”s on everything on a scale of 1-5, except one that was over, and one that was under (the standard corporate trick).  One year ago, I was an average, midgrade corporate employee.  Today, I am a straight-A student (well, maybe one B…all came down to the final).  Neat, eh?

I just had a short conversation last night with this chick in my bagua class…she’s part of the reason that I’m actually where I’m at; one of the…three(?)  that said I needed to stop screwing around wondering, and put my heart into what I was really meant to do.  Anyway, right now she is where I was a year ago, and she hates to realize it.

Since I quit my job and decided to enroll back in school full time, the most obvious sign that I’m “in the flow” or whatever, has been Money.  I had been a good saver, and had enough saved up for my first semester by the time I had quit my job.  After the first semester, that money started to run out, but right about then?  Contract work just happened upon my lap; enough for ¾ semester.  

After that three quarters of semester, I needed money again!  Go to do my taxes, and realize that there’s a tax bonus for all first and second year students; just enough to get me through the rest of the semester and some.

Semester’s over, and I need a summer job that will let me save enough for the next year of school and darned if I don’t just happen to get a call for somebody that, oddly enough, needs somebody with my qualifications that can handle an 8-10 week job at decent pay.  Well that's just about how long my summer's gong to be; interesting, that!

So I’m telling this girl last night at class: When you’re doing what you’re supposed to be doing, everything Just Works Out.  She growled back at me.

Anyway, so here I am: first year down, outstanding marks so far.  Oh, and did I mention just how much I’m totally loving it?  School freaking Rocks, and I am having so much fun there, meeting the most amazing people.  It’s struck me a few times already that there’s just this entirely different energy when hanging out with students (learners), especially when contrasted with the standard corporate environment.  Almost daily, I am surrounded by people who dedicate a majority of their time to education, to learning!  How freaking cool is that?  And everywhere that I listen, there’r these conversations going on, about life, dreams…gossip mostly, sure, but still per conversation-capita, the focus is noticably different than where I was just one tiny year before.  

Not to mention a couple of the most amazing professor-people I have ever had the honor of knowing. And learning that language/writing/english classes have the friendliest people so far…

So, I thought I would write something aboot’it.  Zaadz had just as much a part of this entire thing as anything else, so I guess I do owe a thanks to everyone here, everyone that helped me find the way to where I’m now at, and…Well, and I guess that’s all I had to say.

It's late, and I haven't stretched my bloggin' bones in a while, but I felt the inspiration and now I'm here - great!

It's all Shelly's fault; she has a great new blog about the lessons in perspective that she's learned, and how they came through in a conversation with a gifted girl at a mall makeup counter.   Check it out!

Shelly's blog gave a strange itch in the back'a my mind, because it reminded me of a little project of mine, that I think I've let slip: working on my role in a conversation.

I've been riding the bus a lot lately, going to school; there's been some blizzards and chances for spontaneous-stranger-community to pop up all around, so I've had a chance to analyze how I act when talking with others.  You know what I've noticed that I tend to do?  Agree with everyone; about everything.

I don't know how it came about, thinking back it's something I've always done; probably another habit rooted from times of lacking self-esteem.  Maybe it has to do with an overun of empathy?  I do tend to get wrapped up in other's perspectives quite the easily - seeing their way of looking at things and completely blanking out my own.  What I do know, is that all too often I find my self nodding my head during a conversation, only to shake it later.  What's to do with that?

I first noticed this a couple'a months back.  I was on my way into a super market, and got hit up by two men who were "selling" ornaments of some kind for dontations; fundraising for their church.  Now, it's a whole other story on why I never give in to these sorts of things, so I politely said no and kept walking.  They pushed me a little bit, but then I just had to be a little firmer and they smiled and started to walk on towards this other fellow that was making his way towards the store.  I didn't expect it, but the man started bellowing at me.

"Hey,  what do they want!  What are they trying!"  He was talking to me, apparently making it obvious to the fundraisers that he wasn't interested.

"Oh, I don't know.  Money for a church or something."  I tried to be friendly as the man increased his pace from behind, now striding next to me.  I didn't know what to expect, especially when the conversation was forced on.

"That just makes me sick!  I'm sick of everyone trying to get MY money.  It's like a virus!  A god damn virus!"  He was harumphing and shaking his head, sometimes glancing over as if he were scolding the two men who were now hurriedly making their escape.

And what do I say?  "Haha...uh yeah, yeah it's getting crazy these days isn't it." Not sure on what to say - I just agreed.

"Like a virus!"  he just kept saying out loud  as he followed behind me into a store. Getting a little nervous, I just kinda smiled and nodded my head.  Then, right when I was turning off his path to head towards the isle I was looking for, it hit me.  What am I doing?  Agreeing that people raising money for a church are "like a virus?"  This is an opportunity to say something.

"Uh, hey man - they're just trying to raise money - it was for their church."

The man paused for a moment. "Yeah. I know.  I shouldn't let it bother me, but..." the calm was over and he was back to being worked-up "But it does! Ahhh!"  then he turned towards his own isle of destination and kept walking, shaking his head.

So, my project that I've let slip, is taking a more active role in conversations with strangers.  I've been exposed to all sorts of them these days, coversations and strangers, and I do know that many are made for that passive ear on a bad day or whatever. But others?  Others, I'm not so sure about.

I'm seeing that I'm a part of so many different exchanges each day - it seems like an excellent gateway to getting a little more positivity in the world.

And I've failed latley.  There was a person in a long late-night (at the same super market, come to think of it)  who was working her self up about how rediculous it was that we all had to wait so long.  Where were all the cashiers?  The manager just saving money on wages, making us pay with Our time?  She was in a tissy about it and all the rest of us in the line had that wide-eyed understanding as we looked around at each other - but you know what we all did when she bounced her ranting off of us?  We all nodded, and agreed.   I feel bad for the checker now, a lone soldier in enemy territory. And...and I dunno.

Like I said, it's late, i'm blurry-eyed and rambling.

Really, all this started from the question "Wow, I wonder what Shelly said back to her mall-makeup-counter girl?"  And then the question, "what would I have said?" Then I realized what I would've done:  probably nodded my head and agreed.

I gotta remember to work on that.  

Well, this was my first week of the first semester of my new life as "Student" and...Wow!  What the heck was I thinking??

Apparently I've set myself up for a bit of a rough semester, with calculus I and physics. My first day, I was SO worn out!  I went to bed at 7pm.

It's funny the oddness of self and definition that are coming into play at the moment...  There's a whirlwind of paradigm and expectation shifting; a flurry of mis-definition on just what i think it means to be a "me" in this particular point in space and time... I find my self floundering through my thoughs; trying to attach to familiar concepts of old, fighting the new environment it finds it's self (my self's self?) in... It's actually a bit rediculous, to be honest.

First of all, I'm surrounded by people for which this environment is nothing new.  Kids straight out of highschool, professional students for which this is just another class, for... I know much of what they expect me to know...but I don't think that I know it in the way they're expecting me to.  I have rough ideas on the concepts they're touching on, but when the kids in the class shout out the details of things I would need to look to a reference for....it's a bit intimidating.

My first day of classes was horribly rough... I kept thinking about how I could "just" (beware the "just!")  be at work right now!  I could be sipping tea, surfing around on the net, and working here and there to meet deadlines, but NOooo... Now I'm on the bus at 7:30am, exhausting my mind's capacity for thought by trying to forcefully wrap it around concepts and ideas that these brand new authority figures expect to be second nature.   Life could be so easy right now!  However I keep having to admit...this is what I've asked for.

I've already been there on the "easy" track.  Go to work, do some stuff, come home.  The only worries were what I would entertain my self with for the evening, and maybe where the next party was at.  Even though that sounds so nice right now, i force myself to remember just how miserable I was in that [now]seemingly blissful paradise. 

I keep coming back to the definitions of self that I've been holding on to... I went to my accupuncturist the week before school started;  it was the first time that she's shook her head dissapprovingly at the state I was in.   Apparently, in accu-talk, my energy centers were depleted, pulses weak on the whole.  She said it happens when we feel drained from the role we feel we're currently playing in life. 

I had to admit to her that I hadn't felt like my "self" lately.  She brought up the idea of self-definition, and how it can be psychologically rough to go from being a productive member of society to somebody unemployed.  It's the same old story that we've all heard before, and (supposedly) heeded the warnings of... The first thing people ask in social situations is "so, what do you do?"  I've tried avoiding these questions in the past by answering with things like "Oh, I read a lot, and practice martial arts."  But they don't even seem phased and immediately spring to the Real question of "No, I mean, what do you do for a living?"  For me, the past month and a half has found the bottom drop out of that question.

Y'know, it really took me by surprise that I may be having issues with the definition of my self in relation to societal standards. I mean, we've all heard about it so much!  Most of the self help/spiritual/inner-power material talks about how silly it is that society defines us by what we do for money, how we contribute to society, what we do to 'earn our keep', but y'know?  I have to admit that even with all this knowledge, hearing the message time and time again... I fell into it's trap. 

I live with my girlfriend, and it's been a bit odd having the day off, and then having her come home from working at a job around 5.  Know what it's felt like?  Like I had to "do" something, to be productive for the day, just so that I didn't feel bad when she came home.  I spent the first two weeks of my 'vacation' doing chores!   

When she came home after a day at work and asked what I did all day, I actually felt guilty when saying "oh..read a little...took a nap...played some video games."  like totally guilty.  I found my self doing dishes, and cleaning up every day just so that it seemed like I had accomplished something.  What a trap to fall into!  That's why it was interesting to see my accupuncturist key into the same idea, without me even saying anything to her.

And now, I have to re-define my self again.  Now, I am "a student".  Unfortunately, there's even More oddness to this:  I'm lapsing back into old thought and habits from High School!  My first day of class I had a memory-realization:  I hated school when i was in it!!   So, after my self tried to attach onto my old circumstances of blissful jobness, it turned it's focus towards the past...the pattern it fit in when I was in highschool! 

So, now yet another battlefront: the war "against" the past.  I've spent a lot of time trying to redefine attitudes - sluffing off the old skin while trying to generate the new, more appropriate to the situation.

I noticed an interesting thing while playing video games a long time ago.  Y'know those friends that come over, that you want to play a game with, but you're just so much better than them that they end up hating it?  Well whenever I run into that, I try to prune my playing-skills back a bit, so that it's more 'fare'.  The interesting thing that I noticed?  I can literally "tune in" to a different skill-set of playing;  find the frequency of action from an earlier stage of experience, and fall into it, playing like I did when I was at my friend's skill level.  When I wanted to play good again?  I just tuned back to the skillful frame of mind, and the rest fell into place!

This reminds me of something I heard referred to as "an old buddhist trick", though the accuracy is sketchy since I read it in a Dan Brown novel;  the character in the story used the trick of telling her self to Remember how to do something, though she had never known in the past.  She switched into the frame of mind of somebody that knew what they were doing, instead of her current frame of novice.

So, this is what I'm trying to do:  Slip out of the busy-bee-worker mindset, and into the student-who's-purpose-is-to-learn frame of mind.  I have to be careful not to simply slip into the "old" student frequency..the one that hated school.  I'm not that person any more, and i shouldn't let some person that doesn't exist influence my current frame of mind.  I'm developing a new "me", the self that is a student, the self with the history-of-self that is frustrated with contentment, that wants to grow, and that won't be happy with anything less.  Even though the flame may be "self" destruction, the moth of my ego doesn't accept anything colder than the heat.

And these are the themes of my life for the moment:  Self-definition, tuning into the frequency of the wanted self, growth, and the realization of the want For growth.  My mind tries to attach it's focus to old ideas, old situations, but I need to take the path of greater resistence, for the moment..  This isn't anything like anything I've ever found this self in...and it deserves it's own place, it's own definition, it's own room to grow.

So, I haven't felt very "Zaadzy" lately, and I'm starting to wonder: am I burned out on Zaadz?  What's changed?  Is this place that I once called "the biggest source of change in my life" just losing whatever edge I might have attached to it?  Am I just out of the flow?

I once spent hours surfing through blogs, making comments, adding to other's comments little tidbits I'd heard that related; I was constantly taking thoughts I had or things I noticed and wondering, can I make a blog out of this?  Now, I'm not sure what happened, nothing seems to "grip" me like it used to, there's no drive to contribute.  Where'd it go?

This all makes me think of a sort'a phenomena I noticed a while ago, relating to the "self help" spiritual-type book crazes that go around, that I call "The Self Help Trap."  Y'see, there's all these books out there, that are quite empowering to read.  It feels good to read a Peaceful Warrior, the Celestine Prophecy gives life an extra spark, the habits of highly effective people provides impetus and drive.  It can be addictive to read and read and read these books, feeling great every moment, feeling more powerful and secure every chapter that's finished...but then?  I've seen many a people fall flat.

I think that there's a trap here.  These enticing books with their seductive words can feel great while they're being read, but after a while?  It's all the same.  The ideas are always the same; take control of your life!  Love and let live!  Find your calling, and go!!  This is all quite fine advice naturally, but how often can somebody read about it before losing interest?

Here's where there's the trap: If the reader doesn't actually make the changes in their life that these books are suggesting, it's only a matter of time before the words lose meaning, and it all just seems like fluff.  The Self Help Trap:  Too caught up in reading the ideas to practice them, The momentum drops right out.

So I wonder, is that where I am? Have I just not been making enough changes in my life, that now Zaadz has lost all meaning to me?  I look around on the blogs and pods... Love blah blah blah, dreams blah blah...change the world flowery fluffy blah blah blah blah.... where'd the substance go?  Maybe I'm just not  providing it like i used to.

Y'know, though?  I see that I'm not the only one, and maybe that  has a compounding effect...  Only months ago, I felt that I was part of a little crowd.  We were all gung-ho, giving it our all, blogging on the important things, each one of my friends offering amazingly powerful writings!  We've all seemed to fade Zaadz into the background, and I wonder if we're not still connected; if not in the community of Zaadz, at least in the lack of contribution?

Maybe now just isn't the time for talking, and more the time of work to be done for us.  These terrific people that I took the add of "friend" very literally, I know they're all out there doing amazing things right now.  Is that how this place will end up working?  Momentum, momentum, momentum, gathering up, sharing ideas, stirring action, blogging, talking, thinking, and then!.. This place falls in the background as the ideas are realized?  <>

Haha, yeah, so I dunno.  I thought maybe if I got out my zaadz-angst that maybe it'd pass.  Afterall, I gotta say that I'm in the middle of quite the whirlwind of change, and Zaadz is a big part of that.  Maybe it makes sense that I have nothing to add at the moment.  I do know that there's one thing I've noticed:  Now that I'm not chained to a desk and computer for 9 hours a day, the last thing I want to do is spend much time on one!

So Hello to all my zaadzy pals :)  Even though we're not spending much time here, I know that you're out there doing awesome things.  Catch'ya on the flipside of this rollercoaster, eh? 

 

 

Well...Last Friday was my last day of corporate america for a while to come!  Now, it's Monday morning, I'm chillin' at home, eatin' a hardboiled-egg-with-humus-for-yolk thing and checkin' up on some Zaadz!  Been in a "zaadz-funk" latley, so trying to get a little bit back in...

Friday was some Awesome last day to have.  It was "friday goody day", so I came in, and the designated goody-person brought in some waffles and omlettes from Le Peep so we sat around and ate for a bit...

Some of us had just found out that we all own the same portable video game systems, so we all brought ours in and played some head-to-head wireless games for the next few hours... 

Then, it was about lunch time, so a few people took me out to our favorite mongolian bbq restaurant, ate and chatted for a while... 

Came back, and work was throwing an ice cream social to celebrate good quarter-results!  Sat down, ate some ice cream, chatted for a while...

<>Went on a hunt to gather up some boxes for me to pack away all my cubicle-items; books, knicknacks, papers...

Then it was time to go! 

It was actually pretty sad when the boxes were packed, and everyone was leaving, saying bye for the last time.  That's the biggest thing that sucks about leaving a job, isn't it?  All the great people that are gonna be missed.  I sent out my farewell e-mail with contact info and all, but we all know how it goes with keeping in touch.

So now, here I am, officially unemployed (as my girlfriend already Loooves pointing out ;-)  ) and getting ready to get to work at putting together school stuff for next month.   Got a LOT of work to do to get ready for school...Turns out the course catalog they had given me to put together my degree was out of date and some of the classes aren't even offered anymore!  It's taken forever for teachers to reply back to my emails I had sent out...  The course load is way too crazy to handle, so I gotta figure out what to do.  Do I cancel out the botony multi-thing, and just focus on the physics courses?   I need to talk to some teachers to see if I can get out of some of the pre-requisistes for classes... is any of this plan even going to work? 

It's a funky situation to be in...I don't know how many times I felt like hitting the ABORT! button, and just staying at my same old job, with my comfy life... But, with the help of Shelly's "the secret" daily affirmations, my girlfriend Ginger's awesome loving support, and all the great Zaadzters to think'a... Things are moving ahead!

So, will up and quitting my job and the career I've built up to follow goals and dreams  and whatnot, end up being all that I'm cracking it up for?  Guess I better get out there and start workin' towards those new goals to make sure it has the best possible chance of succeedin'.   It's a  scary and exciting thing...hope i'm up for the scarecitement.

Hopefully, I'll still be able to hang out on Zaadz a bit, and get back on track with some more zaadzy-like blogs .  

Well, the time is drawing near!  In two weeks, I will have no job and life will never be the same!  At least, hopefully...if I end up full circle back at this point, then...Well, then I guess I'd better have a damn good reason for it.  So much work, though!  I just found out that the course catalog that I based my degree off of was out dated, and need to redo it!  Oy, doing stuff involves so much doing stuff!

This is all only finally beginning to seem "real" to me.  I find my thoughts wandering more and more towards the future - just what will I do with a month and a half off??

I've never not worked, since I started working.  Now, I've planned on a month and a half between ending this job, and beginning school.  My focus keeps accidentally drifting towards the "rationality" side of life, and I get spooked...no job lined up? what am I gonna do?  Will I find a decent job that will be school friendly and still allow me time to see my girlfriend?  A couple of full time "good job" offers have come up as people hear I'm leaving...should I be taking them?  No!  That would be me stuck back in "just another job", and I'm out for dreams here, not a paycheck. 

So, what to do with more time than I've had since I was a teenager?  Should I plan something? I'd hate to "just" dilly-dally it away...but would that really be bad?   My interests are wide and varied, should I concentrate on "just" one, and master a..something?  Should I spread it around, and experience a lot, but get little "accomplished"?  

So, let's see...lists are good, I've always found them handy.  What are some things I'm interested in?

- Spend Time with Ginger:  This is a biggie, but she'll still be working a full time job.  I think this means my free time will be limited to 8 hours a day, but I get to see her after work and on the weekends without having a long drive from work!  I'm hoping she'll take off a day or two so we can have fun playing in the sun.

- Painting:  I do know that I WILL paint over my summer.  I've got the bug, and a couple of canvasi, a few ideas, and a fascination with art.  I will make time for this one, even if it comes out horrible.

- Learning to play the Banjo:  I bought a used banjo a couple of years ago, and started to learn. I was doing sorta okay at it, but then I got a girlfriend and it fell.  Should I try to pick this back up?  Playing a new instrument is a big pain in the ass, but I don't really have an instrument to call my own yet.  Actually, just making music is an interest that I would love to pursue...I feel that I could spend an entire month-and-a-half and only get a fraction of the way towards actually making any music.  This one might not be feasible.

- Reading/Learning - I have SO many books to read, and i haven't gotten to read any of them since I moved!  I will definitely spend time over my summer reading some books...should I read a couple all the way through, or spread the love over many books?

- Playing:  I love to play.  I'm SO looking forward to actually existing during the daytime!  It's so much more interesting when all the corporate-types are locked away in offices, and I'm out in the sun.  Will I walk around town?  Downtown?  Go to parks, and...what?  I'll definitely party with some of my night-working friends, but they don't get up until after noon, so will that mean that I miss out on hanging out with my girlfriend after 5?

- Martial Arts/Fitness:  How much time should I spend practicing Bagua?  Maybe I could dedicate my self to a month of sobriety and training - how far would it take me?  Will I just end up sweaty and need a break from my break?  Maybe I can combine this with "Playing", and get over my self consciousness of practicing forms in a public area.  Should I take up running?  Go to the gym?  

- MEET PEOPLE (Zaadzsters???):  I want to get out and meet some people, make some new contacts!  I already have a lot of friends, and they're a lot to handle..I need acquaintances, haha.  I'm really hoping to meet some  Zaadz-folk, I hear they grow thick in the Boulder area which isn't too far.  What'll I use to hook up some lunch/coffee/something meetups and dig my self more snugly into the Zaadz culture?

 - Volunteer: I've been thinking about volunteering at places - is that something that can be easily done just for a month or so?  Is there anything secular and interesting for a person that wants to donate some time?

- Tour the National Energy Something'er'other:  I drive by it every day on I-70, national energy...umm..something.  I knew it before.  Oh!  National Renewable Energy Laboratory!  I hear they give tours, and since my degree will be in something like renewable/sustainable energy, that would be a kick!

- Improve on Playing Go:  This is a game that I really freaking fell in love with.  I started learning a few years ago though, and it really takes an IMMENSE time-drop to get even kinda good at!   I think this is still somewhere far in my future when my other hobbies drop off, and i'm just an old man with too much time on my hands.  Still, though, I might try and get a game or two in online. 

- Write a book:  I have a few ideas for a couple of different books...would it be worthwhile to just write a few pages of a book each day, and see what happens?  I hear the book market is a killer machine these days, would I want to get into that? 

- Look around at buddhist/zen temples:  That would just rock.

- Art Museums: again, the rocking.

- Test out of pre-reqs for college:  I think I'm gonna end up wanting to test out of a Lot of stuff for college...at $80 a pop, though...?  So maybe I'll need some study time and such? 

- I Don't Know:  I don't know!  I've never had time off, what will I end up doing??  Looking at this list, I think i'm screwed...a month and a half is a lot of time, but it's not a lotta time!  And really...will i be able to structure it like this?  

So, things are starting to swirl around as my head spins with the possibility of the future.  I'm definitely going to take time to relax, and wouldn't want to schedule out every second of my days or anything, but still; I do know the power of planning, and if there was one thing that was really killer that I could complete, and improve myself with over a month?  That'd be somethin', wouldn't it?   

I'm DEFINITELY being aware to NOT fill up my time with "obligations" and whatevers. I'd just end up needing time off from my time off.  That'd be horrrible... maybe a week or two of nothin' first, before venturing.  Probably, actually, I'll end up just doin' whatever I want to..but I have a way of just zoning out on things for a long time without getting anything accomplished, hence the idea of introducin' a little structure.

So yeah, the mind reels!  Balancing the excitement of following dreams, with the rational freak-out of "getting something out of it" and even questioning now - is this really my dream?  It is interesting how things unravel, I just want to see if there's an opportunity for an ounce of planning now, to bring great accomplishment then.

(Gonna try to write a short'em'up blog this time...somehow it never seems to work out for me.)

Last Friday was another Acupuncturist appointment for me, meaning another two months at Zaadz!  Crazy, huh?

My acupuncturist was Completely stoked to hear about all the changes that are being realized in my life!  After bitching about my job to her for a year and a half, the combination of her and you awesome zaadz-folk finally did the trick ;-)  Also?  Turns out she saw one of the Zaadz ads, and was going to recommend the site to me!  But first thing out of my mouth was "So I found this amazing place..!"  and she loved it.

Anyway, I went into the treatment feeling good, and came out feeling Great, like always. Five-element acupuncture is such an interesting thing that way.  She opened up some blockages I had in the sinus-kinda-head-area (I hadn't even brought up my allergies yet when she took my pulses and found the block) which was another one of those fascinating things she does... And the rest were some support-type points for the changes that are coming.

So, something Shelly said on the blog I wrote about allergies has stuck in my head, and I've been thinking it over a lot, lately.  She brought up how many allergies have emotional roots and ties. I've had horrible allergies since I was a kid, so I keep wondering...is there anything emotional that could be there?

On the ride home from my appointment, I felt so aware, open, the world was so vibrant; I was so alert that I decided to clear my mind, put some attention at the points she had hit, and see what came up in my mind.

I thought back to childhood, and all these memories came to surface. Interestingly enough, these memories were all of the pets I had as I grew up; my dogs Leica (a medium-sized white mutt), Fluffer (toy poodle and shitzu - we used to call him a shitzoodle), and O'Malley, my cat.   All these friends of mine are long gone passed away now, but apparently anything but forgotten.

The rest of this gets a little corny, but it was a touching moment. Y'see, it wasn't exactly the memories of my times with these souls that were coming up, but rather the extreme feeling of love that I had for them as a child.

Ever had those feelings when giving pets some lovin' where there's just so much energy and emotion welled up inside that you don't know what to do with it?  Teeth grit, grip tightens, just feel like shakin' it all out?  I had a lot of those moments as a kid. It's actually only the past couple of years through martial arts and meditation that I've learned what to Do with it!  Anyway, back to the memories.

While paying attention to driving (naturally!) these memories kept coming up.  The memories of excited little puppies coming home for the first time sliding around on linoleum, not understanding that we were going outside for a very specific purpose and not just for play... Sometimes I would just capture them in a close hug. The memories of Leica who would take this very well as she stood there, worried eyes darting around not really knowing just what to do.  These were some of my best friends.

So, I'm thinking back to all this, and...well, and my eyes start wellin' and the nose starts stuffin'.  All very familiar emotiony beginnings for me. This is the point in a movie where I start counter-measures for saving face.  The time that I'd sniff a little and hold it back, thinking it silly to act such a way over a dumb dog or cat. And then I caught my self, in the act of catching my self.  I pondered, and felt and experienced.

Shelly...allergies...emotions... Is this what they mean?  These feelings of stuffied sinus, puffied eyes; isn't this about what it feels like when my allergies start coming on?  So I relax, I open myself to the experience.  I didn't ever break into a full cry or nothin', but I felt.  The rain was falling on my windshield, (the trees were so vibrant out my open window! they love a  good rain) and the additional filter of excess optical fluid gave the world a bit of a glow.  I pondered.

I thought back to all the times where I haven't let my self get to appreciate this feeling.  Actually, at it's onset, the battle of inhibition begins as I pull back, away from the afflicted areas.  I thought about attention, pain, and tickling.  It always hurts less when I feel the pain.  My feet are un-tickleable since now there's a part of me that lives in them and doesn't run away.  Emotional components to allergies, huh?  Is this an example of like curing like?  Do I ignore these areas in such a way that when tickled by a tree's "making love to my face" (thanks for that one, Tsuya!) the tickled resistence of experience coaxes on the sneeze of expelling? 

Anyway, so much for the short blog this time.  I have some stuff to focus on, though.  I need to make some meditation with the goal of exploring. Do I need to rent a sappy movie?  Interestingly enough, lately I've noticed something about my breathing in general.  What does it mean when you feel like you're "missing half of my breath?"  The front half, actually.  I'm now trying to breath in deeply, expanding the "frong half" of my breath and letting go.  I'm getting the most fascinating clicks and pops out of my chest as it gives the impression of opening.  Hopefully I won't hurt my self ;-)

And my allergies?  Two sneezing attacks since Friday.  Two too many, but far less than before.  Or is it all in my head?  Or Is It All In My Head. 

A new friend on Zaadz, Todd, had an interesting blog up a few days ago about Attachment and the buddhist concept of Non-Attachment.  He asked a pretty good question in it about something that had been buggin' him: "...how can you not have it [attachment] and still love the world around you?"

Can find the blog here: 

http://sock.zaadz.com/blog/2006/6/attachment

Now, I thought that was a pretty fascinating question. Attachment and the lack of it is something that I've spent a bunch'a time thinkin' about, so I ventured to leave a comment  hoping it might help'im along.  Turns out that I really had no idea what to say on the topic though, so I kinda ended up with one of my muddled babblin' things that I tend to do. He said it was neat, but that he still didn't get it, so I had to wonder: do i?

I started thinking about attachment, and things we'd be attached to.  What about sunsets?  What about somebody that totally digs sunsets and never misses a one - does their attachment cause them suffering?  Well, what happens when the sunset's "over'"; what would they think?  They'd probably just look forward to the next night's, since it happens every day.  Okay, so what about that person getting a night job, and having to spend every evening inside a building with no windows and never getting to see a sunset again?  Would they be devastated?  Would they try and switch to sunrises?  Would they just end up loving the twilight and the extra sun they get during the day?

I had put a quote into Todd's comments that I thought might help him, because i felt that it had helped me in the past. It was something some mystic had said to a dear friend.  --Ack!  I just did some research, and turns out that I biffed up the quote in his comments :-/  Also turns out I got it from Dan Millman!  Go Dan!  Anyway, the REAL quote is:

I love you as much as I've ever loved anyone in my life—and I don't care if I ever see you again.

Turns out it was from Ram Dass.  Sorry for the confusion, Todd...  Anyway, this is even better, because it illustrates my new point quite conveniently ;-)

So, love doesn't necessarily mean attachment; that was the point I was going for.  And I started thinking about my poor person with the sunset problem, and Ram Dass with the love of his friend...  What is the relationship between love and attachment, and what does it mean?

As far as the sunset person, if his love of the twilight was as strong as his love of sunsets, he misses out on the suffering of having the sunsets "taken away" .  What about Dass and his friend?  What if he never Did see his friend again?  What would he have?  

If he never saw his friend again, he may have the feeling of loss, or at least feelings associated with a noticed absence of that friend in his life.  So what if he loved that feeling, too?  It's a very human emotion/experience - the loss of a friend. Actually, it's a very Life experience - I'm thinking of Where the Red Fern Grows, now haha.  Anyway, so it's a big part of being alive, and also a rare opportunity to experience.  What is more beautiful than the emotional feelings of missing a close friend?  

So, it keeps coming to this in my head - attachment through love, and the overcoming of it  through more lovin'.  Is this a part of the message that all them spiritual teachers try to convey?  And how does this help with Tom's question?

How can you have Non-Attachment, AND Love for the world?  Does "By literally having love for all of the world" count as an answer? 

That's really somethin' for me to think about, which is kinda cool.  Even prolly applicable to other things like quitting addictions and stuff...the absence of our desires can be a new unique feeling to appreciate as being a part of the whole life-enchilada?  Huh...I'll have to think about it s'more.  It definitely doesn't seem like an easy goal.

Anyway, so, maybe this'll help ya, Tom!  It may'a at least helped me. (thanks!)

Have I mentioned yet, that this isgoing to be the season that I get over my allergies?  I don't think I have, so I am now, just so I can be held accountable for it, later ;-)

Ever since I can remember, I've always had horrible hayfever-type allergies.  When I was a kid, it was way worse than  it ever is now; my eyes would itch and water so much that they would turn red.  My mom would lay me down with a cool wet washcloth over them, and I'd wake up with them sealed shut from the gunk that'd accumulate.  Horrible stuff.  Years later though, and now the main thing I have to deal with is the constant sneezing and runny noses.

It always screws me in the summer...I see the spring coming, and the days getting longer and I get so happy because I love this time of year.  I get kinda depressed sometimes in the winter, so it's always a relief to see the weather changing.  Then the joke kicks in, though, and after my first sneezing attacks I remember, oh yeah...forgot about that part of the season.

Normally I just end up spending the summer/spring popping allergy pills as a preventative.  It's not really so bad, just take some medication every few hours, and i'm free!  But, there's a new catch... As I do more meditation and martial arts training, my body-sensitivity is increasing.  Now, I swear that I can feel negative effects of sudafed, and benedryl. Not sure exactly what it is, but when I'm taking them I can tell that I'm "off".  It's not That obvious, and easily ignored, but still...there's something not right.

So this year is IT!  I'm done with allergies, with sneezing my head off, with runny noses and itchy eyes.  I'm going to figure this one out. 

 Allergy -  From the Greek roots "allos" - meaning "other" - and "ergon" meaning "work" or "action".    Typically defined as "an abnormally high sensitivity to certain substances". 

Now, I'm not sure how to interpret the roots of the word... Other and Work?  The work of an other, meaning seperate of self?  "Other" apparently comes from the indo-european root "werg", which apparently is a common ancestor of things from work to "orgy"... Interesting.

Hypersensitivity, meaning an over reaction.  Over-reaction to the presence of "other", triggering "work"? Either way, apparently I am seeing something harmless as an enemy, and acting accordingly.

This is the first thing that I'm going off of when trying to intellectualize the overcoming of allergies - It's my reaction to the substances, not the substances themselves, causing them.  So I'm going to try and Accept them. I'm spending time accepting the pollon and the dust - the things native to the environment.  In this accepting, perhaps there will cease overeaction?

Second thing - I can stop myself from sneezing.  Slipping into a meditative state when I feel the oncoming of a sneeze, I can calm my self so that it doesn't manifest.  Neat trick, but takes a lot fo mental concentration.  Doesn't quite work while driving.

Third thing - Very similiar to the feeling of an allergy-induced sneeze - I notice that in certain circumstances, a well-placed breeze can give rise to the tingling of the nose that creates a sneeze.  Energy system malfunction?  I can feel the breeze on my toes, the cold gives rise to energy fluctuations, and then bam! I'm sneezing.  One comes, and that's the end...no amount of meditation has saved me after the 'attack' begins.

So these are the things I'm trying to work with: acceptance, mindfulness, and energy management.  I'm trying to open my self up to the environment, feeling it in fullness.  Any odd tingles and twinges pop up, I try and smooth them out through my system.  Clearing my mind to help concentrate, I try and dismiss sneezes.  

Can I do it?  Why not?  I see no reason not to, it's my own damn self seeing an enemy where there isn't necessarily one.  And this is the season!  I'm not going to live each summer taking medication for something I'm doing to my self. 

With my fancy new daily drive, I've had a lot of time to play around in traffic.  Traffic's kinda one of those funky experiences of city life that can sometimes be puzzling.  I've always wondered, why can it be so annoying?  How does so much stress, tension, and anxiety come out of just sitting around in a metal box, surrounded by other people lounging around in their own metal boxes?  I kinda figure it's like doing laundry: don't really have to do much, but it requires full attention because you can't really do anything else either, and how annoying is that?

Traffic doesn't really bother me like it did when I first started driving.  Actually, I kinda enjoy it!  There's a lot of people watching to be done, a lot of behavior that comes out through driving that wouldn't normally be seen, lots of time to actually see the area on either side of the road.  My favorite part of traffic though, is controlling it.

When I first got out on the road, I was always puzzled and annoyed at those points of dead traffic where there was nothing going on!  Everyone's driving fine, and then suddenly we're all stopped.  After slowly creeping along for a couple'a miles or so, there'd be this point where it'd all dissappear, and we'd just start speeding back up like nothing happened!  I was one of those kids that was all "Gah!  Didn't even get to see an accident or nothin'!" I realize now that that's such a horrible thing to wish for, but at the time it at least sounded pretty cool.

Anyway, I started paying more attention to these areas, and realized that these dead spots were really just accumulations of energy from some earlier moment.  Somebody would have to slow down or cut into a lane or something, the people behind them would have to hit their brakes, which would cause somebody else to, yadda yadda yadda... that moment is frozen in time and forever more others will stop at that point, passing on the tales of the car, the car who slammeth it's brakes in times of old...Until I come along.

At some point, I realized that there's no reason for this persistance of information, y'know? It's a highway, not a hard drive.  I passingly played with the ideas of storing messages in the traffic; a team of cars out on the highway, hitting their brakes at specific points in certain lanes, and they would persist as long as as there was a steady flow of cars to carry it on through time.  We'd plan bank robberies like this, or pass on government secrets we'd lifted from high-security buildings... Data integrity would be pretty low, though...it'd only take one asshole on a cell phone to skew the info, potentially causing massive nuclear wars and so much carnage!! I decided to be content in erasing these "knots" of traffic as I went along.

These days, I drive all slowly and consistently while in areas of heavy traffic and I make a game'a "eating" the dead spots out of the traffic.  It's a lot of fun, actually!  Leave some area in front of my car, I see all the brake lights ahead as people speed unsuspectingly into the trap time has left for them.  Some people get frustrated, seeing all the tempting open space that I've left ahead and zip into another lane just to slide back in front of me.  They soon meet the fruits of their doing, though and end up slamming their brakes like the rest of them.  I move on.

I stand strong, steadily moving towards my prey.  If I falter in my faith, hitting my brakes, then I'll just perpetuate the clot; except it will have creeped backwards and then what will I have done?  I push on.  The red lights ignite on the car that's in front of me, the time has come!  I maintain my speed, and right as I'm about to enter the danger zone of the fender-bender, the car shakes off the pause, regains his speed, and time is defeated! 

I glance back in my rear view, and see only a smooth line of cars.  No longer will this spot be troubled by the lights of brakes and the screeching of tires.  The people behind me don't know what I've saved them from, but that's alright.  They're travelling a little slower for the ordeal, but most importantly they're travelling consistently.  With consistency comes relaxation, with relaxation, acceptance, and with acceptance the loss of frustration.

So, like I said, I've had a lot of time to sit around in traffic and let my mind run.  This morning, I couldn't help but wonder...can't I make this into a metaphor for enlightenment?  (Yeah, i have LOTS of time these days...)

Cause really, this is how it seems to me.  There's blockages of thought that are whirlpools of past thought and experience.  As long as our thoughts feed those pools, they'll persist.  Is meditation and the 'middle way' simply the calm, steady pace of the traffic of our minds?  And what about the wear and tear we save on our 'vehicles'?  Less peddle-pushin', less friction, less stop, less go. And what about muscles and body work?  Are the knots in our muscles, tales of a time past when we tensed them up, and never let go?  And..and...sigh, never mind.  It's all just a good time, and now it's time to work :)