I've been realizing more and more that I don't have any sort of creative outlet... but I really feel this urge to create! 

I've dabbled in various things in the past...drawing, painting, musical instruments, writing, but nothing really feels "right".  i haven't had any formal classes or training on anything (except guitar a long time ago) but there's really nothing that completely grabs my interest.  Do I need just some sort of "non standard" form?  Am I just lazy?  Am I perhaps really not that creative??

Somebody once told me that I've kind'a turned myself into "art"... no literally, but more in the way that I interact with the world. There's some sort of very "rob"ish quality that I have or something, haha.  I never quite recognize it myself directly, it's more in the way that my friends talk about me to people that have just met me, y'know?  It's like there's always a "Oh!! You haven't really hung around rob yet, have you!  You'll get used to it, he's just very...Rob."  Which, y'know, i guess is cool and stuff, but... what the hell do I do with that?  Leave it to me to come up with an art that's completely transitory, and only 'works' when I'm around new people.

This makes online-ness really hard for me... I haven't figured out a way to creatively contribute to any sort of online forum or community... My writing's sorta drab, but really I sorta force myself to keep it that way. I've tried writing with the flowery sarcastitelligent prose that I find in other's blogs and writing, but... it always seems like I'm faking it somehow, y'know?  Am I just fake?

I've always had issues with being deliberately creative in the past.. Most of what I drew was free-hand copies of other's art.  "New ideas" when I'm trying to specificaly create something new, just really end up being a conglomerate of things I've seen or heard in the past... Plus there's some sort of self-confidence issue thing involved, I think.  I once wrote a whole novel (for NaNoWriMo!)  where I sorta..wel...just got drunk and high for a month and typed all this seemingly "deep" things, right?  The thing is, I did it in some sort of red-neck crazyness where it's basically unreadable to anybody that's tried.  Some how I like that, though, cause I'm almost a bit embarrassed of it. Embarrassed of it, but still trying to send out hte link to people, only to have them lik e"Uhh..i started trying to read it? but man i can't get through it!"  Go me.

(http://marknbev.com/~rob/nanowrimo ;) )

So what other creative things can I do?  I want to create something, like something physical, something that can be shared or shown. Who knows. I haven't met many new people lately, so...maybe I just am missing the "art" that is me or something... Tricky shit, this.

I've been reading Godel, Escher, Bach, and the way he describes Bach's musical composition with the canons and fugues and all that, I feel like I could write something cool... maybe learn music theory and try something?  Maybe get a computer program whre I can compose...stuff or something?  Maybe?  Anybody know any good software that has like a musical chord line that you can just click notes in a pattern, and then copy paste, reverse, stretch?   


Would art classes help?  Maybe I just don' twant to do any of this stuff because I suck at it so bad!  Haha, could be, back to that self-confidence stuff.  But really, I feel like I need something "new" something that isn't just a copy of what others are doing.  I bought a banjo, which still sound slike a realy cool thing to pick up, but.. it's not going so well. TOo many interests to just spend the necessary time to dink around. Blah, maybe I am just lazy, haha.  WHo knows... i'll figure something out, though.. some day, I will create!! ARR!!

I found this thing I had posted years ago on another bulletin board type thing.  Then, recently on Zaadz, I saw like three blogs in a row that had to do with light, and one profile that mentioned Pinhole Cameras.  So, I thought I'd post this blast from the past, just for posterity.  Go Zaadz!

------------------------------------
HOW TO PICTURE LIGHT
------------------------------------
I don't know why, but I've never really 'understood' light, in general. I know all of the details, how lenses work, reflection, diffraction, refraction, parallax, blah blah, but overall I couldn't actually Picture it very well in my head. I won't go too deeply into light, there's a lot to it. There's colors and frequency and different reasons different things are different colors. I'm just concerned with light in general here, and that's how I'll treat it. I always had questions like: If light spreads out the farther away from an object it gets, then how does perspective work? Wouldn't it almost seem that objects should look Bigger the farther away from them you are? And I understood how an image gets inverted through a lens; for those who don't know, I'll explain it briefly. Ever taken a photography class, and had it explained to you how a image gets inverted through the camera, and is "upside down" when the film's developed? Or ever heard about how images come through your retina, and are actually "upside down" when they get to your brain? Then it goes that your "brain has to 'flip' it" so that you get experience down as down, and up as up. The camera analogy goes, a lens is curved like this:

  (

so any light passing through the bottom of the lens gets directed "upwards" and any light hitting the top of the lens gets diverted "downwards" kinda like this:

=>(X

So, since the light that hits the bottom of the lens is directed "up" and vice verse, you get an inverted image on the film.

It's not the best explanation, but I hope you can picture what I mean. So, understanding how a lens flips an image, something still didn't make sense. Pinhole cameras are said to invert images, too. Those are the science project cameras, where you simply get a box, poke a hole in one side, cover the hole, put some film inside the box, and then you uncover the hole for a few seconds, cover it again, develop the film, and you have a picture! But still, there's no lens here, only a hole in a box. What special properties does the hole have that inverts an image when it comes through?

I had all these weird ideas, about how light hitting the edge of the pinhole would "curve around it" kinda like pressurized water going through a small hole, stuff like that. Either way, it just never quite came out right in my head when I tried to picture it.

The first clue to my understanding of light, came when I started to learn about how holograms work. Nobody ever really seemed to be able to exactly explain it to me, but every explanation always had something like "every part of the image, is made up of the whole image" and other odd things like that. This started to make sense to me, if every part of the light reflected off of an object looks like the whole object, I can start to fill in a few of the pictures in my head. That would explain things like: why a star billions of light-years away still looks like a circular star on earth when we're only looking at an extremely tiny, tiny, fraction of the light cast off by that star. But still, how can you picture this "every part of the image looks like the whole image" stuff?

Let me give you an example of why this "every part of the picture is the whole picture" thing was a clue that set me off in the right direction to understanding light. Ever do the classroom projects to view an eclipse through a pinhole? How does that work? Not only that, but have you ever seen the light shining through trees during an eclipse? There's all these little eclipse-shadows on the ground! Ever wonder what was up with that?

To finally understand light, I had to go through a little thought experiment in my head. First, picture some round ball or something. Keep it one color, like a solid red ball. So now you're looking at this ball a few feet away from it, maybe five feet. You can see the ball, it's smooth, it's red, it's round, etc, you're looking straight at it. Now get a little closer to the ball, maybe a foot away. It's bigger now, but it's still smooth, bright, maybe you can catch a little shine from one part of it or something. Now get closer still, maybe an inch away. From here you can't really see the whole ball, only a portion of it. But you can start to see that it's not quite smooth, it has a little bit of texture on it, you can see little hints to small bumps and imperfections it may have. Get closer, still. Now you're looking at it like through a magnifying glass.

You can't see the whole ball, it's a smaller portion even still, filling up your whole vision. With this view, you can see that it's not only a few small bumps, it's a whole lot of tiny little bumps, each one you can see in 3d, like a basketball up close. Closer.

Now you're so close that it's like the view through a powerful microscope. You're only looking at a few of the "bumps" now, but you can almost start to see that these bumps are kind of made up of bumps themselves. Get closer. You're looking at the individual molecules that are making up the ball now. We're not going to get any closer than this to understand light.

So you're looking at these molecules, they still look like small spheres, we're not close enough to atom level. Now, from this perspective, picture light reflecting off of these tiny, tiny, tiny spheres. Reflecting off in all directions. You can change your view to look around the small spheres, and you can 'see' a solid sphere of light reflecting off of them, every direction, up, down, left, right, every point in between. You can picture it a bit like the Everlasting Gobstopper's diagram, where there's a small candy "core" (your molecule), and then the sphere around the core. except that this "sphere" extends infinitely outwards from the molecule. Now take a step back.

You're looking at many molecules now, picturing this "sphere of light" around each one. Lets say you're looking at six molecules, stacked two on two on two, and you're looking at the direct center, in-between the two in the middle row. So, since you're looking at this exact angle, picture only the light that will "get to" you from that angle and you'll notice: You're only 'seeing' parts of the each of the molecules "light spheres." From the top left molecule, you're only seeing the light reflected down, and to your right. From the top-middle molecule you only see the light that it reflects "downward" to you. You're only seeing the right and left sides of the middle left and right molecule, respectively. And with the bottom molecules, you're only seeing the light that is directed "upwards" at an angle. Step back again to the microscope view.

These "bumps" that you see, are really made up of many many molecules, and you understand this now. But from this far, you're only seeing a fraction of the light shining off of each molecule. but there's billions of molecules, all shining light in 3 dimensions. From this perspective, if you keep picturing the light coming off of the molecules, you can see that all of these "light spheres" from all of these molecules, make a criss-cross type of pattern. At any point, you can be seeing the intercepting-points of light reflected from many many molecules. These are what are called "focal points" in optics circles. Now step further back.

From here, you're back to seeing many larger bumps. However, now you know that each bump is made up of other bumps made up of other sphere-bumps of molecules. You're still seeing only the parts of the the light that the bumps-smaller bumps-molecules reflect to that point. This is where you can begin to notice the "inverting" that images go through. The bumps-molecules on the left hand side, are shining light to-the-right, which is where you are: to the right of the molecule. So picture a small point that is "observing" this light. The right side of the point is receiving light that is shining towards the right. Does that make sense to you? If you shoot a basket-ball from the left side of the rim (from the board's point of view) towards the hoop (towards to the right)it would hit the right side of the rim (from the board's point of view) before it went in. Same with light.

So what does this do? Well, since the part of the light that you see from an object to the left of you, is the light that is coming towards your right, it is "received" on the right-side of a receiving device. Same with objects above and below your reference point. The objects above you, are reflecting light "downwards" towards you, and so you receive them on the bottom of your receiving-device. Vice verse for objects below you, they're shining light "up" towards the top of you receiving device. This explains the "inverted image" of pinhole cameras.

So what about perspective? How does this help you picture why things look smaller, the farther away they are? Well, it's a little difficult to explain, but think back to those "focal points" which are where the light from all objects in your viewing range criss-cross into an image you can receive. When you're really close to an object, each "criss-cross-point" is made up of a large portion (percentage) of light reflected from each object. There's more "information" from each point of the object received at your point of view. You can think of this as a higher "resolution," more data at each point. Step back again from the magnifying-glass view, to viewing our ball from about a foot away. Each molecule of the ball is reflecting light outwards from it in every direction. The farther away you are, the less of each molecule's light you see at each point. Now that we're a foot away, each molecule's "light-information" ("density" of the amount of light you're seeing from each molecule) is far less than when we were up close. So you see less of the light from each molecule, less resolution... Smaller image.

Ok, so now we (hopefully) can picture why perspective is. But what about this "every point is made of the whole image" stuff? What about the eclipse-trees? Well, this is where the "focal points" come into play. Remember how each focal point was made up of some criss-cross section of the light reflected from an object in all 3 dimensions? Well, it turns out that you can picture it like this: Every point of light reflected from the ground, is made of the entire image of the sun. Each point on the ground, is receiving light from a different angle of the entire sun, so one point gets so-and-so much reflected down from the top of the sun, and so-and-so much from the middle of the sun, from each side, from the bottom, etc. What's special about an eclipse? Well, in an eclipse, there's a portion of the sun, that you're not receiving light from. Let's say the moon is eclipsing the bottom left part of the sun, so you see a crescent shape of the sun, a ball with a bite taken out of the bottom left part. Let's picture how this light would shine through a tree.

Picture that you're looking at the ground during an eclipse, and there's a tree above you. For simplicity we'll only look three leaves of a tree, overlapping each other in such a way that you get a hole in the middle of the three. So we're looking at the ground, observing the light that is shining through these leaves. Where does the light that we see on the left-side of the ground come from? Well, this is the light that comes from the sun's right-side. It's projected from the right side of the sun, towards the left, and so we see the right-side of the sun, on the left side of the light shone on the ground. So since the moon's blocking the left side of the sun, the right side is an image of the whole right-side of the sun. Where did the light come from that we are seeing on the right-side of the gound? Well, this is the light that's coming from the left side of the sun, towards the right. But, since the moon's blocking that part of the sun, we don't see any light, it's part of the shadow. I hope you can picture this, we see a representation of the eclipsed sun on the concrete, because the light that would be coming from the left side of the sun, to the right-side of the concrete, is eclipsed by the moon! So we see no light on the right, because none is coming from the left.

hat does this mean? Well, this means that every part of the ground is receiving this "eclipsed image" of the sun! But why do we only see the eclipse through the trees? Well, every point of the concrete is made of an image of the whole sun, but you see a uniform amount of light, because all of these points are overlapping each other. the eclipsed-part of the sun, is overlapped by the non-eclipsed part, making it appear uniform-light. Normally, the eclipsed part of the sun (the part blocked by the moon) wouldn't be casting any light, but since they're all overlapping, you can't notice. They're there, but its' only when the leaves of a tree block the rest of the light that would be coming at that angle, that you can see that parts that are blocked!

This, is the way that I have finally learned how to picture light. I hope that it wasn't too confusing, just close your eyes and go through the exercise again, and it should hopefully begin to make sense. Unless you knew this all along, in which case I am envious. I don't know why I've never been able to fully-understand light, I consider myself a semi-smart individual. Like I said, I've known all of the facts the whole time, but just never been able to picture it. This actually also explains perspective and telescopes. Perspecitve, because if you look at an object at an angle (say, a box from front-on and to the left, you're seeing a high percentage of the light representing the front of the object, and only a portion represenging the length and depth, hence forshortening. Also, telescopes, with a larger lense, you're collecting a higher percentage of focal-points representing the various parts of the object you're looking at, all focused into one area, hence it looks larger, and in a higher detail. Hopefully, there are other semi-smart individuals that were in the same situation, and have benefited from this.

Well, thanks to one of my earlier blogs, I've now plomised somebody that I will create something... toDAY!   I had caught myself replying to their email in some sort'a funky wishy-washy "Yeah, well, something, someday, some time..." and then I realized just how lame that was. 

So, now I'm commited!  Or at least I'm gonna try to be, since... well, setting goals that I don't meet is much much MUCH worse than not setting goals to begin with.  Y'know?

So, what will I 'create'?  No idea.  Will it be good?  Hell naw!  But who cares?  Where will I put it?  Just in my Zaadz photos?  Maybe I can upload it and post it in another blog or something...what's the best way to share something like that?  I don't want it just sitting in my profile pics, since...well...since whatever it is is going to most likely end up just being silly.  Hmm... I'll figure somefin' out, I'm sure.

Anyway, wish me luck!

Oh, and thanks for the unintended inspiration, jodi :)

Well, as promised to self and others, I did my best to "Create" last night!

I thought I was going to paint something, but a comment from my last entry (thanks Nancy!) suggested I decide an internal state-of-mind for the endeaver.  Well, my favorite state is Geeky. Hard core geekness is my favorite mental enviroment for my self to be in, so I thought along those lines.

I'd had this idea (ever since i started thinking about light: see older blog entry) about creating an image, made up of a bunch of smaller images, compiled through many lenses.  Thinking it might have a sorta "reverse perspective" effect.  I decided that maybe it was time to see if the idea even "worked" in reality.  Well.... It doesn't!  Well...it kinda does, but not exactly how i was thinking. 

First, I don't have access to 'lenses' really, but I decided that Clear Marbles would do the trick.  Then I needed a way to keep them from rolling around, so I made little paper-cuffs for them.  Then I needed an imag that was simple enough, and not completely symmetrical top-to-bottom, so I went with a house.  Printed out a bunch, did some measurements...and failure!! haha.. Here's the result that didn't quite work:

http://i43.photobucket.com/albums/e395/applezoom/bigmarbles.jpg

Do images work in blogs?  Guess I"ll find out. (UPDATE: No...no they don't.)

Anyway, maybe you can see what I was trying to do there...it's kind of an interesting effect at the least.  I think the marbles are just too small for a large image, plus there's a bunch of math I'm thinking i'd need to calculate to get it 'perfect'... the larger, the harder. 

Well, I put back together my test-run of 5 marbles for an image, and it actually works kinda neatly!  Here, check it out just so I can show that i'm not totally crazy:


http://i43.photobucket.com/albums/e395/applezoom/smallmarbles1.jpg

Kinda neat?  Hehe, I dig it, at least. I think it's worth looking more into, but..i think i gotta put some extra thought into lenses, and the math of it.  Hmm...

Well, either way, it was fun!  I made a house! Haha.  Thank you again everyone that inspired me, and cheered me on. And thanks to Zaadz for creating an environment that can lead to this kind of inspiration and creative drive. 

I think I"ll try painting something, next...

Had an interesting little trip to the Garden & Home show this weekend.  What happened to "Home and Garden"? Maybe it's taken by that magazine, now...

The light-rail train ride up to the convention center was pretty neat.  A friend handed me a pamphlet on the new "Transit Watch" Safety & Security Awareness Program.  With stuff like asking people to look out for others with "signs of nervousness" (don't a lot of people seem nervous on public transportation?) and "excessive sweating" (isn't "the sweaty guy" a cliche?), it wasn't too bad to laugh at.

There was a nice looking older man sitting in front of my girlfriend and I. He had a big old-toolbox-type-suitcase-thing (it didn't have any "unusual attached batteries, wires, tanks, or bottles" connected to it, so I'm guessing he wasn't a terrorist) that I was really  curous what was in it. 

For some reason, I couldn't bring myself to just strike up a conversation with the guy, even though I really wanted to.  It's one of the things I've been trying to do more of, lately...there's so many interesting people out there, who knows when I'll run into one?   But I was sorta embarrassed or something?  I'm not really sure.  I sorta ran through the potential conversation we could have. First I'd point out his interesting bag, then tell him how it reminded me of my dad's toolbox (he's a microscope technician).  We'd talk about what sorta interesting job he has it for, and end up in some sort of philosophical neatness involving the future of technology, life, culture, the nature of reality or Futurama. 

I talked to my girlfriend, though, and she said it was just a laptop bag...fuckifiknow.

So, I never did strike up a conversation with the guy, but i made a deal with myself to do so the next time somebody potentially interesting catches my eye.  Luckily, I can do that, and I know I'll stick to it. Sort of a game I play or something, where it gets me out of having to take any action at the moment (i'm kinda lazy), in exchange for the lack of choice in a future similar scenario.  Hope I don't accidentally insult some poor future stranger's interesting bag.

Well, I just got back from an accupuncture appointment, and I feel awesome.  Kind of an odd thing to talk about for me, but only because the group of friends I'm around aren't quite hip to the lingo... well... barely hip to the idea, actually, but neither was I at one time, so it's a whatever.

It's five-element accupuncture, so it has a lot to do with balacing the body and mind, which is actually pretty cool.  I had started going to try and help a chronic shoulder thing I got goin' on, but now it's sort of become more about the "mental health" of the deal.  Like going to a psychiatrist or something almost, except with a physical/energy angle.

I always feel so great after getting a treatment...even if I thought I was good going in, I'm always amazed at how much better I feel coming out.  It was a pretty productive session, also, I think it's going to be the basis of a great stepping point for me.

I talked about life, relationships, Zaadz, work...She checked my pulses (i gotta learn to do that!) and said there was some imbalance. Water's low, fire's low, earth's too strong...Work to be done!  

I've had this constant issue with my job ever since i've been seeing her, which...is for over a year, now?  I think?  Wow.  Anyway, there's always something holding me back from finding something better.  Unfortunately, the definition of "something better" that I've come up with lacks direction, focus, or..well...okay, any sort of substance at all.  

What I Do know, is that working for a pay check isn't cutting it for me, anymore.  I've been "climbing the corporate ladder" in the IT biz since I was 18, when I get tired of a job, I find a new one for more money, and keep keepin' on. I always had this understanding with myself that there's always eight hours of the day that I Do Not Own.  They're gone, default, it's just the price to pay to be a part of a society.  So, since those eight hours didn't really exist, I never minded working through them.  Now, I'm realizing that there's so much more to life than that. My self-jedi-mind-trick isn't working anymore! Eek!

Now, all I know is that I want to do something that i really dig. Something that's "meaningful" (whatever that "means").  I'm sick of sitting in meetings where my only thought is "what the fuck does any of this matter?? WHy's everyone so serious about crap that's nothing!"  I want to work for people, and not for an imaginary noun.

Even knowing that I"m not gaining anything from it, I'm not sure why I'm so attached to my current job.  It's a pretty comfy job, good pay, flexible hours, vacation, sick time... Nothing too shabby, really. But there's no interest. Even when I try and learn new things to make it more interesting, it's just...well...not interesting.

A big thing, is that I'm not typically one to leave a job without having another lined up. I typically sorta wait around until other jobs open up.  The thing is: jobs have been opening up, and i'm not listening!

My girlfriend's company practically greeted me at their holiday party with a job offer.  My friend's company is hiring for web development worK (basically what i'm doing now), and my brother wants to get me in at his company working on high end robotics-type machinery.  New jobs are everywhere around me!  But I'm not listening. Why?  Because they're all Still Just Jobs... hrmph.

Anyway, what the heck was I typing about? Oh, yeah! Acupuncture and how good i felt, haha.  Anyway, she helped me interpret this extremely vivid dream I had recently...Me and a friend kept jumping out of an airplane.  Just kept doing it, we had this little board-with-spring-loaded-wings that we were cruising around with. Then we'd get back on the plane and jump out again. it was pretty fun!  I was scared from the flight and falling, but was talking myself out of it as we went.  One time, he had a parachute and it accidentaly went off, leaving me with just the board to steer.  

I haven't studied much on dream interpretation, but she pointed out that it could translate into something like "take the plunge"... I dunno.  When the universe wants to communicate, it doesn't use english. Gotta look to symbols.

So, at this moment, I really want to put in a two weeks notice.  Take the plunge!  Will life provide?  Universe always does, I suppose, but doesn't mean I need to make it's job any harder than it is.  

What does it mean? it means i got some serious research to do.  Some serious research, some serious thinking, some serious life-direction commitment.  

But, um, really, though!  It was a pretty good appointment.

------
Hehe, written right before a zaadz meltdown. glad i thought to save it ;)
------

Just a quick one..i’m on my way to my martial arts class, and then off tomorrow for the weekend to a cabin…somewhere (i haven’t really paid attention)… for my girlfriend’s birthday!  SHould be fun, got a few of her friends meeting us up there.  It’ll either be a blast, or we’ll get terrorized by some mass murderer like in the movies say.

I feel great today.  I sorta measure how well I’m doing mentally, spiritually, mindfulnessly, by how strong the auras of the plants and people around me are.  Today, er, the past two days actually, they have been vibrant.  I love it!

They were actually gone for a while…a few months, really…and it was sad.  One of my favorite things for the past year and a half-ish, since i first realized how to ‘see’ (or, more accurately i think, how to stop ignoring), has been to stare at the trees with the backdrop of sky (blue or stars) behind them, watching this hazy field swirl around, their energy sparking… it’s amazing.

The fnny thing is that I’ve never really had much luck with seeing auras around people… I can get a shimmer usually, but nothing like the bright colors and such that others speak of.  These past two days, though? I think I’m starting to catch a glimpse.

One of the cooler things I’ve learned/noticed/thought about this year, is how to work with perception.  I was learning this whole “active visualization” (i think that’s what it’s called?) type’a thing from a book on visualization, and another in lucid dreaming i think, where I’ve learned to sorta play and control them.  It’s pretty easy, but takes some focus.

The main thing, is with my eyes closed, i sorta stare off into the blackness behind my lids, but then also pay attention to the “swirly” smudges and lights and stuff that are there.  If I catch something that looks like it could sorta almost be a recognizable object, I tell myself that it is that object.  Then, almost magically, my vision does become that object.  Just like playing with the shapes of clouds. I see something, declare it’s shape (“that’s like a house!”)  and then it…becomes the house.  It’s wild stuff.

So, I’m sorta trying to do that with the aura-colors thing.. if i catch a faint almost-shade around a person, i tell myself that it is that color (“it’s blue.”) and..it’s actually sorta workin’!  Kinda neat stuff.  I could actually write forever about it…maybe I will some time.

Either way, the fields are back :) I just have to look for them again.  I’m about to have an awesome weekend, and signs point to I’m doin’ good.

This weekend was a blast.  Just four friends at a cabin up in some small town by the mountains.  Really small town, actually...their "super market" was the size of two bedrooms...maybe.

I took a couple of photographs (trying out this HDR thing) but it was a little cold out, so we were mainly inside for the weekend.  It wasn't bad, though, we had thought ahead and brought video games!  Karaoke Revolution was the smash-hit of the weekend.  Pretty funny, who'da thought that we'd get four people that liked karaoke enough to sing all weekend up in the mountains?

Karaoke comes with a price, though...the price of the liquor that provides the social lubricant for the event.  Sure, it's not quite required, but...It's just so much better when it's there!

This gets to another thing that's been on my mind, lately... I seem to have a bit of a problem with drinking.  It's not exactly in the how-often (though oftener than most), it's something that I really really (ReallY) enjoy! Or at least think that I do..? It doesn't interrupt with my job or anything like that, it's more in the result of situations where I drink more than I should.  Fights with my girlfriend, loudness, rudeness, over-flirting with other girls...And most of it blacked out of memory by the morning.  Not too cool, at all.

I've always seen people's intoxicated-selves as a good example of some of the inner demons they may be needing to deal with.  Unfortunately, I seem to have some demons of my own, lately, and it's not a pretty sight.  There was a time when I would just get extremely giggly or something, haha. A happy drunk is a good sign.  I seem to have lost that some where along the way...

I've been thinking about what activities I take up, and the reasons behind them.  I heard something recently that had something to do with food-choices.  Are we selecting foods to feed and nourish our bodies, or our egos?  Our bodies feel good in the long run, our egos get the momentary joy.

It's got me thinking...why do I drink?  Why do I do all sorts of other things that I take to change my state of mind?  To nourish my body definitely isn't the reason...I kinda abuse me, sometimes... So for what?

I seem to think (or have thought in the past) that I do all this to nourish my "soul", whatever that means, haha. It's always in the intoxicated states that I have some of my favorite ephiphanies... A good part of my current life-direction has been from these types of moments.  I get boring/bored when I'm just in the same headspace for too long... What do I do with that?

As always, though, there's good news with realizations.  I feel more open than I have in a while, just inside of my body-wise.  I had some of the most feel-good-understanding meditations over the weekend as I meditated hangovers away (i so love that trick), and no harm came from the weekend.  We all had a great, great, time, and wish we were still up there.

We'd gotten enough karoake in, that sunday evening my girl and I had great sober-oake times.  Not as much energy, but still a fun time.  But, again...so much to think about.  Personal Improvement is some tricky work, ain't it?

So, I've been thinking a lot about meditation, life, death, and the soul for the past week or so.  I've been meditating pretty much every day for 3 years-ish, the past year to a year-and-half making very little 'progress'.  Only the past week have I started finding something different, something new, something that finally seems less flat, and more like progression.

I read something recently that spoke of how one purpose of meditation was to get your self ready for the day! charged! Ready to take the day's challenges on!  I have So not been getting that feeling at all.  I have, though been beginning each session thanking my parents/the universe for the opportunity to exist, and That's actually pretty powerful stuff...How cool is it to start each day thankful for life?

Anyway, now I'm getting some good feedback during my sitting, and I think it's good.  I'm opening up more, and instead of trying to get lost in my head (or however you can describe that), I'm starting to get lost more in my body. It's kinda cool, as I feel me moving through my legs, and around my face and chest and stuff...neat.

So, this kinda goes in a bit to some of the philosophies in the things I've been reading lately.  There's this whole idea of whether we, as living creatures, "Have" a body, or "Are" a body.  It's an interesting distinction, really, and has all of the philosophical implications with 'souls' and afterlifes and all of that. Hmm.

Originally, I definitely thought of my self as a something In a body; it was the view provided by culture, family, language, all of that.  Later, though, in an Alan Watts-ian style, I definitely came to the logical conclusion of Being a body.  My body grew out of the world ("like apples grow out of a tree"), and, at least my personal perception and notion of "I", came out of the body that came out of the world.  Makes sense.

Recently, though, I've come into contact with a lot of various buddhist and taoist descriptions of the dying process, and also the recent research coming out about near-death-experiences, and they're all about a seperate consciousness that's In a body.  It's pretty confusing.

Enlightened people throughout history have apparently been able to meditate through their own death, describing the experience as they died.  These are the same people that smell like roses for days after, and who rigormortis never seems to kick in.  They describe the various things that you "see" as you die, but some how they do it up to and including walking in this world as a ghost, and the path they go as they reincarnate or are liberated.  That's pretty confusing, too.  Sure seems to have something to say about a reincarnated "soul", which is something I'm not sure that my other beliefs agree with.

There doesn't really seem to be a need for reincarnation for the world to make sense to me; energy patterns of action can persist from a person or group's lives, which then influence the lives of those that are born in or experience that field in their own life.  I've come to understand the concept of reincarnation on some sort'a intellectual basis...If I make a foot print that collects rainwater, that a mosquito lays eggs in... Are the mosquitos "me" incarnated?  

In a world of religions that speak of "all being one" (which I think of as literally true... none of us would exist without the entire history of the universe behind us...and it's one history, inseperable), why would we need the persisting-seperation of the concept of "souls"?

ANd I only really started thinking about this whole, when I realized that people's "consciousness" can originate in different parts of their bodies... Some cultures consciousness is "located" in their solar plexus, some in the stomach, some in the head... I've even talked to a few people that said their consciousness came 'from' objects that they looked at.  Now, I've realized that I can move around my "point of thought" also, which is kinda neat...but what does it mean?  I understand that just because it 'comes from' a part of me, doesn't mean that it's not simply still in my head, just from the perspective of somewhere else.

Anyway, just been on my mind. not even sure why i wrote anything about it, but it's neat to talk through it a little.  

What about you other zaadzsters?  Where do you "think from"?