I've had this idea for a while, now...and want to do somethin' with it.

Ever since my first job, putting in order, filing, and shipping boxes of billing documents, I've noticed internal "notes" that come with repetitive movements.  Just as I go, in my head I'm making this little music that goes with the action, a sorta bee-bee-woot. bee-bee-woot, as I pick up a stack of papers, smack them on the table to even them out, and toss them in a box. Stuff like that.

So, for the couple of years I've been doing this martial arts thing, I've noticed the same 'music' whenever we're doing any sort of drill.  Pick-up-foot, kick, turn-and-land has a sorta woop, foo, zeet sorta deal goin' on.

So, my thoughts are to sorta code this all up in an actual music program. Then, i have no clue...mix it around somehow or something.  The main thing, is that if I can find any sort'a correlation between different movements and the 'sounds' my head creates for them...then maaayyyybeee i could actually 'encode' my martial arts movements into music, which could help me practice.  Or something.  I don't really know.


My question, then, is: Does anybody happen to know any music software that's easy to use, to create new music?  I'm picturing something with a music line that i can click or drag notes up-and-down on, or something.   I swear there was a program waaay back in the day that I had played with that did it...but I have no idea.  Thanks!

Also, anybody else happen to have ever noticed this?  I often feel a little crazy with the stuff i been bloggin' on lately.. hehe. damn self-doubt.

I had an amazing martial arts class last night.  We did this thing where...well, where we basically beat the shit out of each other's arms for an hour.  The cool thing, though, is that all the stuff that's been opening up from meditation came in so handy.  I was open, and relaxed, and so my arms barely even got red, though it still hurt a bit, natch.

One of the cooler things I dig from martial arts, is that the behavior you exibit in the class, can have a direct correlation to some sort of character trait.  Recently, I've noticed that in all the partner exercises I do, we end up moving backwards.  My partners are always stopping me from running into equipmenting, or other people, or whatever, because we slowly shuffle backwards. I always figured it was because my partner was aggressive, and coming in, but...I'm realizing that there's another component to it.  It's really that I keep yielding.

When I think about it, it's actually something do in my day-to-day life. I dont' really care much about things, right?  Like, if somebody has a different view, that's cool, have your view.  Think what you want, I'm not gonna fight'cha on it.  But really, I think this pattern of yielding has some big implications.

I've got a lot of 'reasons' in my head for why I act this way, either that I don't like to argue over things not worth arguing, or that if I disagree, then maybe people won't finish what they were saying and i'll miss out on info...but really it might be more of a self-confidence "hold my ground" stand up for myself type'a thing.

So, it was pretty easy. I just started leaning a little forward myself, and suddenly we weren't moving any more! We stayed in place, I didn't have to trip on equipment.

Later on, I was at a friend's house, and he was trying to tell me all about the role that psychedelic drugs had on the creation of the first artwork of man by shamanistic tribes in the amazon or something...Something like that. Anyway, so I'm just kinda nodding my head, but I'm really thinking how his facts don't quite add up...So, I think of the class and the lesson learned, and I lean forward, explain my position, and...well, and he stops talking and just agrees with me. 

This may take some tuning.

I was talking to my friend Joel recently...talking about the giving of thanks for the life we live, every day.  He said:

"Life..Yeah, this is about the coolest thing I could think of to be doing right now."

Yes! Living life?  yes!  This is THE coolest thing, that I could think of doing at this moment...What is cooler than living??  Than being alive??  If I could ask for anything in this universe?  It would probably be to live. 

Living is just SO freaking cool...what the fuck more could we want? right?

So many things to blog about, but this one's the most recent, so...it wins.

I was listening to some Terrance McKenna this morning while driving, and he brought up a word that I had never heard before: Glossolalia.  Looking it up in the dictionary, it appears to commonly mean "meaningless speech" like when speaking in tongues, and such.  This is funny, because Terrance (naturally) had a completely different conceptualization of the idea, and while "meaningless" as far as direct symbol-translation goes, he referenced the meaning of such talk as Emotional, rather than Logical.

It's interesting, because I've been thinkin' a bit about language lately...I've been stuck in the middle of two camps of thought, though, which...well, which actually happens to me a bunch.

Anyway, there's this idea of language that has to deal with what we 'take note' of.  The NOT(E)ation we use for things we find NOTEworthy, to NOT(E)ice.  Kind of like the visualization techniques I've been playing around with; creating a word for a thought/concept/action/noun-whatever, has a Lot to do with the things we perceive.  I'd think of a clever example of something I never quite noticed, before I knew the word for it, but...uh...well, i ain't got one.

So, the second camp, is that this whole business of 'language' is actually Keeping us from seeing things.  If we'd just shut up for a second, we'd see the smooth shade of every color distinct from every other color, we'd realize the entire world, rather than the bits and pieces of it that we label for easy-consumption.


Now, I'm sure there's a middle-ground in there somewhere...the noticing of an event/object has nothing to do with the language, but the Understanding/Conceptualization of the thing probably does.  So what about Glossolalia?

This is a term that I never knew, but now that I know it's "a thing", it spark's memories of times when I've encountered this.  I've had experiences with just nonsensical words...but the thought of the term that labels them, in addition to McKenna's thoughts on the emotional-pointers he saw them as... Well, now I have a better understanding.

This also leads me to want to read more about something I've heard about called Semiotics. It's apparently a simliar type'a deal, though I don't know much about it.  I've understood it so far, as sort of the semantic-concepts behind the sounds we use. Why words typically "sound like" the thing they're supposed to represent.  It apparently even covers things like a cat's meow.

Now, my cat is very VERY vocal, and quite expressively so, actually...annoyingly so, but, hey. The price for a smart pet.  So, all this stuff's just sort'a coming together for me; things I've thought about, things I've thought to look more into, the attempt to figure out just what the hell my cat's trying to tell me...  I dunno.

And that's my thought for the day :) er....one of them, anyway... Anybody else happen to have much reading into this type'a thing?  Know of any good Semiotics books to check out, or any thoughts you've had on similiar lines? 

After all, i've realized that if I'M thinking about it...

One of the things I've been reaallly wanting to do for the past two years, is to begin lucid dreaming.  It's something I've actually wanted to do since I was a kid, but back then I barely even remembered any dreams, so...well, so I guess it's been progress, even if only in the slow lane.

I've gotten the best book I can find on it (leBerge's, it's KILLER), surfed the sites, asked the questions, found the masters and...And, well it's just not happenin'.  Not much luck.

Any lucid dreamers in Zaadz land?  I'm envious, if ya are.  Of course, at one point I was jealous of people that dreamt, too...and I got over that one. Dream Journaling is definitely worthwhile to any others that have dream-issues.

So, to be honest, the thing I've had the toughest time with is the sticking to the development of the constant-mindfulness that seems to be a part of creating the attentiveness to realize i'm in a dream.  

The Book of Secrets (Osho) has a great chapter on lucid dreaming.  It basically says that it's a very funny thing to ask "How can I be conscious while dreaming?" since the better question would be "How can I be conscious while awake".  What's the difference between waking and dreaming to perception?  In both, we're simply taking our sense data without question, and reacting.  

So...I'm still stuck. I set reminders in my Outlook and things like this, trying to get the habit of asking "am I dreaming?" or telling myself "This world is a dream."  I picked up the habit I heard recommended:

"No man should go to sleep without first recognizing that the world is just a dream."

It's a neat thought before bed, as you go through the days events and they seem...dreamlike.

So here I am today, keeping my self from oggling girls (see older blog entry), and wondering just What do I get out of it?  Nancy (thank you, Nancy!) had brought up this idea, and I've thought about it a lot.  What do I 'get' out of checking out chicks?

So, as happens, my mind takes off.  I start thinking about how 'they' talk of 'energy bodies' and such... There's the body, then the energy-body within, and mine's male. So, maybe through some male-part, female-counterpart empathic mirror-neuronal type way, the self-perceptal feeling of the female form is somehow complimenting the pattern that is being male, leading to euphoric feelings of wholeness which serve as the internal reward device for the external action. Then I think about how crazy all this sounds, laughing at myself as it spins, spins, spins...the world is a dream.

That's it!  I have a trigger, pre-installed, which, with a slight mindful-twist,  I may be able to benefit in dreaming.  It's all so obvious now! (Ha ha ha..i know...)

So, that's my new plan.  Some how shift the focus of this chick-checkin'-outin' to be a reminder to mindfully question the reality my mind's creating.  An overly-complicated method of self deception to avoid actually gaining the mindfulness required?   Prolly, but whuthefuck, right?

I hung out with some friends a couple'a nights ago.  Had a Ton of fun, it was great and very relaxing.  We hung out and talked, listened to some music, and even broke out some paints and small canvases after a while!  It was great, a lot of fun.  I think I like this painting thing.

Unfortunately, liking it, and "producing" anything with it, are totally different.  I found myself just playing with the paints more than anything. Sorta swirlin' them around, watching the paint soak into the canvas, watching it draw off of the brush.  I kept trying to think of something to paint, and had an idea that I wanted to capture...with swirling and circles and stuff, but...Well, it didn't work haha.

So, I ended up with a painting of swirls...and a couple of curly spirals, too.  I was just having so much fun playing with the paint, that nothing ended up being in focus. 

So, I started thinking about it, and, well, pretty much with everything I do, I'm too busy havin' fun with it to actually "do" whatever I'm doing well.  People ask me to do something, and i sorta mosey around dinking with this and that, everything but doing the actual task they asked for. 

When somebody's trying to teach me something new, I always have this problem, too. They're trying to show me on some sort of structured path what to do, and I keep doing it all wrong, just to see what happens, just to play with it.  They usually end up thinking I'm dumb, doing everything wrong all the time, not listening to instructions, but.. Well, but really I feel it leads to a better "understanding" than simple knowledge, shrug.

Thinking about this, and that what I Like to do, is play around and have fun, I tried to see how it could relate to a possible carreer or whatever (since that's been on my mind, too).  I realized that I'd really just want to have something that I can play with. Probably some sort of manual-labor job, where i could just sorta zone out, play around with moving boxes or something'er'other... something dumb, pretty much.

And i thought about how I could live my whole life this way, going around, doing nothing particularly productive or special, just havin' fun.  Didn't sound like too bad'a way to go! At first...

I started thinking of this concept buddhists have of the "Selfish Buddha".  Somebody enlightened, that just goes off and has fun with his enlightened self.  No cares for the world or nothin', just going around being enlightened and enjoying it.  Now, I'm not trying to make any sort of self-declarations or nothing, but it's an interesting concept to learn from.  "Selfish Buddha" is apparently not a thing to be striving for, and, though enlightened, not something that's encouraged.  Interesting concept.

So, here I am.  I always produce pure stupid crap when I try to do anything. My friends know it, i told them about a painting and they said "Is it stupid?" knowing that if I did it, can't expect much, haha.  And it is dumb, but it's not in a way, too.  It represents "having fun", though it only does that for me.  Producing art for myself?

Or, maybe I'm just deluding my self.  I don't produce anything good, because I lack the self confidence of something i think's "good" being criticized as "bad"?  Saves zthe trouble, just always making junk, and using the excuse that i was "just playing around"... Hmm.  Sweet, more stuff to reflect on!

So what's the deal? I need to find the focus, and perhaps even the confidence, to actually try at things, and stop just playing with them like a kid.  I like being a kid, though, so there's the dillemma.  Ohwell, more to think about!

This is a reminder to my self.

Unfortunately, due to family history, I have an issue that will be prominent from my 30s through the rest of my life.  There's some heart disease that has wiggled it's way into my genetic material, and I'm seeing the first signs now, with a diagnosis of high cholesterol.

My dad's dad, and my mother's dad have both met their end through heart failure.  The first time that my dad's heart attacked, he was 35.  It's not even an issue of diet, either, our bodies are taking it upon themselves to generate cholesterol on their own.  Extrapolating from the facts, it seems likely that I have only a couple of years to go before my first operation! Yay!

So, my doctor has been playing around with my blood for a year or so, cholesterol high. Too high LDL, too low HDL, too high'a triglycerides.  He's had me take varying amounts of Niacin to combat the issue; and while showing some signs of improvement, it hasn't shown the greatest effect.  We're now sort'a just hangin around until signs show worse.

So, I've been trying to study on my own, to see what simple bit of an enquiring mind can do in the face of health care.  I've added a visualization routine to my daily meditation, picturing blood flowing freely through my arteries, 'seeing' any buildup disolving into the flow, clearing the walls.  It actually has a feeling associated with it, a feeling of opening. there's actually a feeling i can work on creating in my chest, and i know when I'm "done" for the session.  It's something that doctors recommended for my dad when he first went in, so it even has a backing with 'conventional' science.  I like it, i'll keep it up.

I've been thinking of the issue from an engineering perspective, also, since...well, since doctors can get too caught up in collecting facts and tidbits, than actually  realizing what's going on. 

There's this idea of "slippery walls" that I heard of; it's how doctors "explain" the apparent (from what I've heard) mystery that not everyone has plaque build up on their arteries. some people's walls are "slippery". 

Now, this makes no "real" sense, naturally. it's pretty much a load of bull. It declares an idea, without any fact or info backing it up. Maybe I just haven't heard the rest, but whatever.

So I started thinking of the engineering issues with a liquid going through a tube.  I picture the fluid flowing, and realize that there must be a friction issue where the fluid meets the walls, slowing down that fluid, while the flow in the 'middle' is more free.  Now, since there must be this slowing effect near the walls of arteries, if it's too slow, it would make it easy for plaque to settle and stick to the sides.  This can be an issue.

So, I need to do some research.  I already started, and realized that the layer of slower fluid is called the "boundary layer" (it also applies to airplane wings).  Now, from what I can picture, there are a couple of things I need to consider in my specific example: the viscosity of the blood through the arteries, and the force/pressure of the blood.  I'm kinda hoping to look into the issue, and find supplements that influence these factors in a way that will create more blood traveling faster through the arteries, and a smaller boundary layer...so that plaque may not actually have a chance to stick to the walls.  I'm trying to figure out how to make my arteries "slippery".

The nature of the arteries themselves should be considered, also, to decrease the effects of friction on the blood.

So, this is just a way to get some ideas out, on my mission to save my self.  I'm hoping to attack it from an engineering perspective, with visualization techniques, and there's one more: the mystery of WHy my body feels it's necessary to create cholesterol. What regulates that? what's it trying to accomplish?  If i can figure out the "why", perhaps supplements and medication can attack from that angle as well.

My dad admitted that he feels guilty every day for passin this genetic curse to his sons....I see it as a challenge. We'll figure this out, the body's a blending of mind and matter...between meditation and engineering, I think we have pretty good odds :)

This blogging thing's sure interesting...throughout the day I catch myself keeping track of thoughts or events or things that would make great blogs.  There's a ton I could say, but...well, but I think my blogs are too long as they are.

Had a great weekend, lots of karaoke, and me and my girl did some painting on Saturday :)  I uploaded photos in my photo-thing. It was a lot of fun, we went out and bought canvases and brushes and paints and stuff...then painted!  I think I really like this painting thing. Maybe even enough to try and get some technique type skillz down. It's fun

This dream-checking thing is making the world really...odd.  Throughout the day I'm telling myself this is a dream, asking if it's a dream, etc... I keep thinking "what if this was a dream?" and then phrasing the situation in my head as what I would think later, like "I had this weird dream, where I was blogging on Zaadz, and eating eggplant..."  Then there's this 'nervous'-type twinge that comes over me, as I look around, thinking about all the processes that are coming into focus to create this moment; how my mind's creating everything I see, and wondering whether it's internal or external input that it's interpreting...

So, yeah, the past bit has been a little trippy, to say the least.  I kinda dig it, though.  I think I could really be on to something, hopefully if I put a little more focus, intent, and attention as I'm falling asleep I could do something with this. 

Oh, yeah! Gonna call this Meditation Expert dude later on...some guy that sends out emailers here and there to sell his books.  He's running some sort of program/course in spiritual studies, and I sent in an email application. I probably don't have enough of a book-read basis to be accepted, but he said I should call him and we could talk about it. How weird is that? I was just figuring he'd send an email with "nope, sorry."  Go figure, huh?  So maybe I should call tonight, I guess...yeah...kinda nervous, haha, feel like a phony pretending I can do 'real' spiritual work. Go figure.  I'll keep yas'all posted on where that goes.

Anyway, that's how things are going. Couple of other things bouncing around my head, but maybe I"ll wait till they settle a bit more...

I'm actually looking for some help on this one, maybe hopefully drawing from the amazing Zaadz-community of experience to see what I'm getting myself into ;) hopefully it isn't too long and is readable...here i go!

So I had this interesting conversation last night with this Bill guy from MeditationExpert.com regarding a program he's about to start on spiritual cultivation.  I've read his mailings he sends out for over a year, and it's fascinating the things the talks about. He speaks of things like "chi-entities" and longevity, clairvoyance and "super powers" like they're nothin'. Just yeah, so what, these things happen on the path, but they aren't enlightenment.  I don't know where he feels he himself is, but he tells of his travels to temples in the desert, and working with all these taoist and buddhist masters and stuff... pretty captivating, especially for somebody that has stumbled on to a few of these things myself, so would kinda believe just about anything.

It was sort'a an interview type process. Apparently the course is very personal, where once a week you actually have long conversations with him on the phone about the course work, progress, etc.  Kinda interesting. 

Unfortunately I clammed up on the phone, and was clueless what to say to him. Most of my meditation progress I completely forgot about, the various things I'm "looking for" couldn't be voiced, books I've read were drawing a blank...I sorta sounded just really green, but apparently it was a good type of green. He said I reminded him of himself at one point: grounded, open, yet lost. Haha, guess that's a pretty good description, though.

So, we talked for like an hour, all about spiritual cultivation, the "real stuff" versus the newage and cult-type things.  It still strikes me, the casual way he speaks of all things 'enlightenment.'  He gave some carreer advice ("gotta pay the bills, remember always that you'll need to support yourself") and then cultivation advice. 

The conversation ended that I should purchase one of his e-books, read through the material, see if it's what I"m looking for. If so, then he'd accept me as a student for this course. 

Now, here's the thing... The ebook was $97. I already bought it and am digging the text so far, but, I'm having a hard time wondering if I was "roped in"... Y'know?  Now, if I go ahead and read this, decide to be a student, it's another $900 for the  3+month course.

So...I dunno!  Anybody happen to have any experience with this site (meditationexpert.com), or Bill (William) Bodri?  The guy seemed very level and knowledgeble on the phone, it was fun to speak with him.

I've been struggling for a few years with my meditations feeling "flat", so I've been looking for somewhere that could provide some guidance.  Apparently this is a hard core course on many spiritual traditions, what they call the varying levels of attainment, and stuff like that. Sounds like could set me up to understand almost anything I come accross in the next few years.

Either way, I have some things to think about, pretty exciting to think of having an official guide on this path, though. Completely non-sectarian, which is also good for me (and  pretty hard to find, actually).  It's apparently the serious stuff, a serious course about the path to what various ancient cultures called 'enlightenment'. 

Whew, that's a lot of typing. I'm half excited and half-leary... I haven't been one to be a sucker in the past, and would kinda rather not to become one now, but... I'm not sure. Sounds like one of those one-in-a-lifetime opportunity type things.

He says it's "FULLY GUARANTEED" as well, which...well whatever, haha. he says he'd refund my money if I wasn't satisfied, but I know how those things go. 

So, blah. I guess I have some reading to do, BS meter on high-sensitivity, and some deep thought. 

I'm way interested to see what the rest of our Zaadz family has to add, though, so... What'cha think? :)


UPDATE: Here's a link that explains the course, and the materials covered:

http://www.meditationexpert.com/stages.html

It's pretty long, but I think does a good job in describing what I'm interested in, and hoping to get out of it.

i was at the chiropractor this morning, and he was doing some deep-tissue work type stuff.  He complimented me on how he can just get in there and do what he needed to do without me tensing up.  I said it had taken some practice.

He asked me if it hurt much and I told him; I said nah, not as long as I relax into it.  Joking, I said that it was probably a pretty good metaphor for life, really.

Then I thought about it, and yeah, that isn't a bad one to learn.  Things do seem to be a lot less painful, if we just relax and experience them.  Like being cold isn't so bad, as long as I relax my body, sort'a just know I'm cold, feel the cold, and don't tense up in shivers tryin' to fight it.

I think I'll try to apply that to my current dilemma, somehow. Thank you, by the way, to everyone who's offered advice on [my previous blog].  It's been a great help to hear some other perspectives, though I'm still not anywhere closer to figuring out what to do.

Eh, just relax...relax... ;)

All this hard thought about spiritual practice, cultivation, and meditation has made me ponder how it all started.  Why am I interested in this at all, what's the drive that I feel to push further?  I know that I see a benefit in my everyday life from meditation, and I enjoy doing it, but why aren't I happy to just keep doing what I'm doing, what's the "progress" I'm looking for?

I realized that really it all has to do with an experience that I've had twice, Ever. 

It's not something I really ever speak about to anyone, so I think I tend to forget it, myself.  But  twice in my life, during meditation (the first, before I was 'officially' meditating) I've had this...feeling...experience.

It all started when I had my eyes closed, and was just focusing on the blackness in front of me.  I was looking around, and noticed that there was a single point of brilliant light.  Sorta to my left.  I thought it was interesting, so i sorta played with it a little, moved it into the center of my mental-visual-space.  Then, I'm not sure why, I started seeing if I could push all the cloudy/blackness around it, push it into the white spot.  I tried, and it did. Now there was nothing but pitch blackness, and the one point of brightness.

I thought this was all fascinating, so I decided to keep playing. I 'took' the point, and tried to expand it, stretch it over me, so that all I could see was this blinding brightness.  I did, and it stretched.

As soon as it had enveloped all I could see, this amazing rush came over me.  Suddenly, the sounds outside faded to silence, all sensations from my body dissappeared, all thought ceased, even the white light was just...nothingness.  And I sort of floated; 'seeing' nothing, but feeling a greatness.

I realized that I was connected to my self.  Deep down in my self, some core of my own being.  I had the feeling that here, in this place, I could program my self any way that I wanted, and it would 'stick', be a permanent change.  If only I could think of what to change in my self...

I 'thought' for a brief second, but couldn't come up with anything.  I didn't know. And then I felt the moment slipping away, it all faded backwards, the light rushed past, back to the murky darkness, all feelings returned, it was gone.

It was that moment that I decided that there was something big I had sorta stumbled onto, and that's when I started meditating.  I want to get back there.   It's only happened once since, not so strong, but years ago when I had been up all night and was dead tired.  I haven't come even close to that state since.

So, I think this is why I'm striving for an opportunity to deepen my understanding of meditation. The push to "get somewhere", because I know there's a somewhere to get to, y'know? 

I think this helps, it's something I had forgotten.  Sometimes I guess it's easy to just get caught up with the task itself, rather than realizing why I'm even doing it in the first place.

All this thought on meditation and "spiritual practice" has brought up the memories again.  I'm learning some cool stuff in this book so far, I actually think it's worth the price. I'll have to post a couple of things about what's in it. 

The funny thing is that I definitely have a "cut off point" of belief that I'm running in to.  I've had some interesting wacky experiences, so understand and believe some of the things the guy talks about.  But then, there's this point where he starts talking about immortals and ghosts and stuff, and i'm like wha-?  It's pretty interesting to watch myself bounce back and forth from belief to skepticism. 

Anyway! This was on my mind, so  thought I would share :)

(Haha, I deleted this when I woke up this morning cause I thought it 'sounded dumb'.  But, whatever, apparently I'm the type of person that posts dumb things in blogs, so...here it's back!)

I normally like to put some extra effort into my blogs, but it's late, and I'm just gonna paste some quick notes I sent to my self…  On the awesome advice/info from a Zaadz buddy (thx caprikell!)  I took some time to lead myself through a “Inner Guide” meditation.  Something I picked up on a while ago…from a Paul Coelho book first, then it was on Star Trek: Voyager, and that's how I found out it's a Jung thing (“Active Imagination”) and then heard it in a Power of Visualizations audio book! IT's really cool, I'll hvae to go into it more some time soon.  So yeah, had a good 'talk'…i'm still new to it, so it's still weird since i 'know' it's me speaking to me…at least a subconscious part… anyway, here's some notes:

okay, so a talk with my guide, (are you supposed to tell the names of your guides?).

I spoke with him, tried to contact and get some guidance... he said a few things. it's hard to talk about since it's really me talking to my self, but...i try ot take it seriously.

I asked him about the meditation dude and course...he said I should probably do it. I should read the book first, and if I want to know more after wards, then I should try and find out more. if it leaves me more curious than before, it's something to do.

I asked about math, he said try out the making-up-my-own-math thing first, just to see...then go to school in the fall.

He said thta I should keep in mind that a lot of change could come in the next year, and I need tobe ready for some ups and downs.

Said I need to stay with Ginger. Do what I need to do, and if she can't take it, then she can leave, but I shouldn't leave her.  She's going to change something big in the future, i got a vibe with church involved or something...

what about the divination i received that said patience?  Well, it includes patience with the decision to go or not. also, patience with everything, I can put things on hold to do the course if needed.

hmm...what else.  Oh, if I want to get back to that samsara place, I need to meditate more. find more time to, instead of a half hour a day.

if i need to, I should go to bed earlier and wke up earlier, if I need to. it could be fun.  could be neat.  i think i agree, should go for walks more

as far as alcohol goes, he said that I need to turn down more drinks than I accept. I need to try. do the glass-of-water-between-rounds thing.

as far as girls...he said it was a good idea with the redirecting the focus to the dream thing. it's okay to talk to girls when i'm out, but don't ever do anything with them.

I did a little emptyness type meditation aftwards..the white-skeleton thing. the guy efinitely knows what he's doing, it's an amazing meditation.  i sorta let my body shake with it, felt some relaxations in my chest, throat...saw some glows and bright lights and such.  it's really great full feeling.  afterwards I had the notion that I would have my first lucid dream tonight..wow...i wonder what to make of that? it's kept me from stayin' up and watching IronChef...so, maybe!  I'll see...

No lucid dreams over the weekend, but a pretty close call.  I had a pretty vivid dream where I was at an airport (i'm dreamed to airports a lot, these days, hmm) waiting in a long long line.  Then it turns out that me and all these other people are in the wrong line, so we're all relieved not to have to be in that long one, only to realize that the correct one's even longer!   Then I notice there's internet kiosks near by, so I go to try and log on to Zaadz (hahaha). Figures.  Anyway, the 'close call' is that there was this really hot black chick just a few people in front of me in line, that I noticed just seconds before I woke up. My first thought was "Ah! That was my chance to trigger!"  (since I've been using my tendancy to check out girls as a trigger to check if i'm dreaming).  So...close call, I say. If only i had a few more seconds?  At least I realized it first thing, I think I'm getting that much closer.

So, no lucid dream yet.  Saturday was amazing, though!  My girlfriend and I got to see one of our favorite authors, DAN MILLMAN, speak!  It was great, it was at some sort of "metaphysical fair" or something, and he gave a two-hour talk there, about all of his different adventures while seeking enlightenment. It was way inspiring!

He's a great speaker, so entertaining, and just a normal guy, just talking, nothing special.  He was really nice, took some time to add some things he'd just thought of to his little talk, took some questions at the end.

The main point of his talk, was how he spent so much of his life seeking out teachers, trying various practices, even belonging to a near-cult for like 10 years!  He spent so much time in india, in this school, that school, and after it was all said and done...He learned just to live life, and enjoy it.  No fancy thunder-clap of enlightenment, he just learned that no matter how much you strive for some sort of attainment, simply living life is what makes him happiest.  I thought it was a great message.

Since I'm in an interesting period of time myself, with teachers and teachings and all, I asked him with his own personal realization, did he still think it was worth it.  And he said Yes, it really was.  It was worth it to him to get the understanding, to hear the teachings, to practice, and to come to this realization. He searched, tried it out for him self, and knew when to drop it for himself, too.  To me, that shows that the search itself has much value.


Saturday night, I stayed up late reading that meditation e-book. I'm really really digging it, it has so much information in it, and addresses many of the different 'feelings' that are associated with the practice of Meditation; answering many questions I've had over the years.  He addresses the common misconception and confusion between what "kundalini" is, and feels like, as opposed to just "wind" or chi flowing through meridians.  Helped clear up some things for me on that, also. 

Then, on saturday as I lay in bed trying to 'consciously' fall asleep for the lucid stuff, I had this amazing rush come over me.  Since I was concentrating on losing consciousness, I guess I was in a pretty 'empty' type meditative state, and everything was just flowing very well. My head and ears sorta had a "rushing" sensation in them, and I heard all these chime-like sounds, like chimes blowing in the wind. Kinda crazy stuff.  I learned later, when I was reading on Sunday, that this is just another step along the meditative cultivation path, he specifically listed the "symptoms" i had!  Just things and pathways opening...Really awesome stuff, I think this book has definitely been worth it.

Anyway, that's my weekend in...some sort of gigantic nut shell type thing...  hmm.. I'm really gonna try for shorter blogs in the future...

Sitting in some super-long  "lunch'n'learn" thing today at work, I had a memory from childhood. In this meeting, I was sitting around, trying to eat this pizza as slowly as I could (it's sort'a a meditation I made up...really brings out enjoyment of food and stuff), and then I started making it a game.  I started eating So slowly, that I would be the last one in the room eating pizza!  Haha, yeah meetings bore the hell out of me.

So, I was playing this game, and realized that I used to do this as a kid!  Not exactly sure if for the same reasons or not... but I'd always try to be the last one eating an ice cream cone or something.  Unfortunately, I think it was for completely different reasons; I may have been a bit of a jealous child.  Okay, I was flat out a jealous brat.  

I would actually make it a game to see who could eat their ice cream the Fastest, just so that I would be the only one with ice cream... Haha, seemed to make sense at the time.  I'd lose the game, but fuck if I cared...I still had ice cream.

I'm not sure the jealousy thing was All of it, though...I used to do stuff like eat all of my chocolate milk one spoonfull at a time, so that it would last longer.  I once actually recorded how many licks it took me to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop (491).  I might'a been a bit of an outcast.

The only reason I'm writing about this, though, is that I don't really have many memories from childhood. Got some here and there, flashes from a birthday party or vacation or something, but really I haven't paid much attention to most of my life.  Not sure I ever really cared to remember, just always looking at the next thing to do.

It's kind'a a thing I do with everything, actually...Even when I study or read stuff, I just get the general ideas of a topic, never the details. The details never really matter to me, but it also means that I don't really ever get to talk about anything with anybody in detail... It's always a "sorta somethin' about..." or a "kinda like...", which actually may make me look pretty ignorant to people and the school system, shrug.

In this Measuring Meditation book, it goes through some of the virtues of mind.  One of them is Mindfulness, which is the "non mental wobbling" of attentiveness, or the "non-forgetting of a range of events." It's a very important thite ing to cultivate, since it leads to a one-pointedness of attention and focus and all that.  Oops, guess I didn't figure out that one very early!  So, apparently that's something I should be putting some effort in to developing...I think it has a lot to do with holding the mindfulness of "this life is a dream" type of deal for the lucid dreaming stuff.. Hmm.

Anyway, I'm kinda digging my life right now; it'd be a shame to not remember it later, eh?

I just sent an email as a fan to this kid that makes the most amazing music I've ever heard.  It's actually the first fan-letter I've sent to anyone, hmm... might should do that more.

Anyway, I thought that I would share this with you guys, just because it's something that really really speaks to me.  I don't know why, exactly, but I get wrapped up in this music so hard core whenever I indulge myself by listening to it.  It's kinda dangerous...if I put it on in my car or something, I know it'll be weeks before anything else goes on. 

The artist 's Bliss.  Real name Henrik José.  Amazingly talented; he grew up in a musical family and had a lot of music-theory education at a young age.  It really shows.

I basically think of it as electronicly-orchestrated music...It's not really any sort of "electronica" beats-layered-on-beats type'a deal...It's just so musical. It's beautiful.

It can get me in an awesome zone where I can just lay down with some headphones listening endlessly to the music. There's always a subtle nuance I hadn't noticed before.  The leads are clever, the beats are intelligent, the instruments sagacious; it has this "three dimensional" quality to it that's hard to explain. Really, though, the way I describe it to myself is that it's simply beautiful.

It's something that I pass on to most people that I meet, though most people don't seem to have the same reaction (at all!) as I do.  The people that like it the Least are actually the ones that listen to a lot of "electronic music" or spin their own records or whatever...they seem to want to put it in a class that it doesn't belong. It's not like anything i've ever heard. 

When it does strike a resonance with people, though? I know it within a day.  Cause that's about how long it takes for them to call me, thanking me for showing them such excellent work.

So, maybe part of my problem is that I talk it up too much, shrug.  There's really something about it, though, that strikes some deep parts of me.  I have no idea what that "something" is, but I have the feeling that anybody that understands the music, understands some part of me on some crazy level.

Enough with the talk, I'm just babbling, now.  If you're interested, I highly recommend checking out the following links:

http://www.mono211.com/content/releases/mtkmp116.html

http://www.mono211.com/content/releases/mtkmp108.html

(the download links for the albums are at the bottom of the screen, can download each song seperately, or a zip)

Those are just some of the first songs I listened to.  I have a lot more if it kits your kaboodle, just send me a note! 

I hope you enjoy :)

What about you Zaadzters? Do you have a band that you find amazing, but have a hard time introducing people to?  I'm kind'a a sucker for "acquired tastes" I'd love to hear some of  the things that speak ta'you guys!

(PS - Update: I checked my inbox, and the message has been bounced...that email address is no longer valid.  Some day I'll let that kid know how much I dig on his music...Some day ;)   )

I'm learning a lot about meditation, lately, and what i guess is called "Spiritual cultivation" in general.  Will write something up a little later with some of the things I think are neat, that I've come accross.  This morning, though, I began to understand something that I'd heard of before, but never really 'gotten'.

There's this thing that I had heard of a few times, you may have heard of it, too (alan watts mentioned it a bit also, I think). It's this Hindu practice of "Neti, neti" which, from what i understand, translates as "not this, not this".  It was always mentioned in context of "the search for truth" or "reality" or whatever.  Sounded cool, but i never understood what the actual "practice of 'neti, neti'" was, or what it meant.

I was watching my mind this morning, and trying to go off of the stuff I've read lately, about seeing past the veil of illusion that this "reality" we see supposedly is.  Watching my mind process, and trying to see/feel what the "core" of the me, is.

In this book I'm reading, it seems to drive the point that anything in constant flux of change, is not the "real" thing.  Like what'r called the "laws" of physics; we're always looking for the constant, the unchanging "real" that is the builder of the ephemeral universe that we find ourselves in.

So, I'm sitting here meditating, and I'm paying attention to everything. My body moves, well bodies change and grow and die, so it's not that... Sensations of pain, elation, boredom, rise and fall...okay, so it's not that...my thoughts are coming and going...kay...not that... on and on, conceptions formed aren't "me", memories felt...not me... then i realize what i'm doing! Neti, neti.

So, I have a little tidbit more of understanding that phrase, and what it means to practice it.  Of course, this is just my own thing I'm sort'a stumblin' around with, but I think it's gotta be at least sorta close to what they be talkin'bout. Haha, just one of those things where there's that sudden realization. Kinda like when I saw a newspaper article about how terrorists might could sneak explosives in that might could be snuck to this lake that might could be used to blow up this damn that might could flood all these cities! That was when I finally understood what that old saying "if there isn't any news...make it up" meant.

Anyway, I'll write some more later with some of the details of this whole cultivation stuff... it's a fascinating model of consciousness and "reality" that these cultures have formed over the years.

I saw the most beautiful thing yesterday, driving home from work.  The sun was setting over the mountains, hovering behind the clouds as I drove west . 

I just learned recently  that it's "okay" to look directly at the sun durin sunrise and sunset, since due to the amount of atmosphere the light has to travel through (just like why there's sunsets), the UV rays get scattered by the time it reaches you.  I checked it out myself, and sure enough, at sunset the UV index is 0 (www.weather.com).

I also know that UV doesn't pass through a glass windshield very well, either, so I was pretty confident in my glaring.  So I stare directly into it at a stoplight, and after I got over the knee-jerk reaction of looking away...It's beatiful!  After the initial bright glare went away, I saw it.  The sun was all huge and yellow, but a pale yellow...it was just this big glowing disk. Amazing.  I couldn't believe I'd never really "seen" it before.  How many people were able to see that moment?

There's actually people that stare at the sun, called Sun Gazers. They do this for like a few months each year or something, during sunrise and sunset. Just let their eyes drink up the sunlight. Supposed to be good for energy.  I gotta say, it felt and looked amazing.

I think I'll try to actually go out a few times around sunrise/set this summer...just to soak it in a little more  (naturally, with a bit more research first ;)  )

Well I just finished this 670-page book on meditation, cultivation, and the various spiritual traditions of the world, and it was amazing.  I'm still planning on going into some more detail as to the different forms, and levels of consciousness and all that (just been busy reading is all!) bu it ended on this cool note, so thought I would share that, first.

The question, was why should we bother to try and improve ourselves, or transform our character on a spiritual path?  The author said that the goal of any practitioner should be to help the world attain peace. Peace on earth. 

So how do you attain Peace on Earth(tm)?  By having all the people understand their fundamental nature, the deep-down nature we all share.

How do you have a world like that?  Well, first you need to attain peace in each individual country. One by one, each country must be transformed to realize peace.  And how does that happen?

Well, you have to a country that's governed in fairness, with wisdom and fore-sight.  You need peace within each country's border's.

To attain peace within the borders, the people must establish a harmonious governing of the individual states, and families, social groups.

People can not govern the states and their own groups peacefully until they have the power and knowledge to govern themselves harmoniously through their own discipline.

To learn how to be at peace individually, we must work at improving our selves to cultivate mastery over our selves.  This is the way to peace.

It looks kinda corny now that I'm trying to type it out in my own words, hehe, but I thought it was a great little thought-path that it led me down.  Thought I would share :)

I hope you all are having a terrific night; I'll share some more of what I've learned later on (lucky yous!)

Well, looking around Zaadz, everyone is all stoked about Spring! I decided that I wanted my own little Spring blog entry, too ;)

I'm not sure why I'm not completely on the Spring-wagon, i've said in the past that it's my favorite time of year.  Not too hot, not too cold... Really, though, in Colorado it's not quite "spring" yet... We still have a blizzard or two ahead of us before Winter's had it's fill.  It Is still that much closer to campin' weather, and that freakin' Rocks

This morning, though, I had my yearly spring awakening!  It happens most years, where I'll be lying in bed in the morning, and there's this noise...What the heck's that noise?  Video games, or neighbors watching TV, or something?  Ohh shit, wait!! Them's Birds!!

And then I get all happy as the noise 'tunes in' and adjusts, little bird songs come through crystal clear; i can hear each individual little voice.  That's exactly how I knows it's spring. ;-)

This year I think I'm gonna try and take it a little more to heart.  There's this set of pictures that I started in an old apartment of mine... there's this beautiful courtyard with a big vibrant tree, and I had an awesome view.  I decided to take a shot of it from the same spot, for every season.  I got it almost done...everything except for Spring!  I moved too soon :-(

So, for the past 3 or 4 years I've been trying to get up the courage to go over to my old apartment...knock on the door...and ask complete strangers if I can take a picture off of their balcony.  I'll print out all the other ones, maybe write some text up translated to different languages from babelfish... Cause, how hard would it to explain why I want to come into their home, and take a picture off their balcony if they don't speak english?

So, this year might be the year!  I'll have to dig up those old pictures, now...  So, like, hooray for spring?  Yeah, sure, what the hell: Hooray for Spring :)

So there's this article on MSN Careers, on the 9 questions to ask your self, to help find the "perfect career fit".  Well, I'm in the market for change, so am gonna answer the questions here in my own little blog post. 

If you'd like to follow along, here's the link!

1. What are you good at?
Hmm... Well, I'm good at troubleshooting, finding work-arounds to issues.  Honest, good people skills, can explain difficult subject matter in an understandable way.  Write clearly, can break projects down into manageable steps. Creating models of information, and drawing new information from them.

2. What interests you?
Helping others, meditation, physics/science theory, also interested in math (or learning/investigating in general).  Music, art, photography. Philosophy. "Metaphysical" type'a models. Animals, plants and the health of both (life in general).

3. What motivates you and is most important to you?
Definitely want to feel like I'm making a positive difference. Ability to interact with people. Would love to be able to create, or have freedom without much supervision.  Variety would be good, or simple enough repetition to not be tired of it.

4. How much money would you realistically like to earn?
Pay isn't the most important part, but would probably realistically need to be around 28-30k/yr at my current apartment/living expenses, until that could be changed.  Hmm, I should make out a budget.

5. What level of responsibility do you want?
Willing to take any level of responsibility, though I am happiest where I can perform my work without worrying about the work of others.

6. Where do you want your ideal job to be located?
Location isn't a concern. Preferably something I could do in Colorado, but I wouldn't object to relocating. Would really like to be able to work somewhere that is accessible to public transportation, if located in a city

7. What special knowledge would you like to include in your career?
Would like something that could make use of people skills, the want to help others, and technical ability/problem solving skills.  Something that would require thinking up new ways to do things, or workarounds for issues that arise.  Taking advantage of my ability to explain things in plain english is always nice, as well.

8. What kind of work environment do you prefer?
Would really love to work outdoors, but not required. Prefer small organizations.  Amount of noise isn't a concern, but a relaxed and non-formal environment is best.


9. What types of people do you like to work for and with?
Prefer an environment where I can work either with a team, or independently.  Friendly, non-formal environment is the best.  Can work with all different types of people and management, as long as I have freedom to perform my duties how I best see fit.


And that's it.  Hmm...Looking at my own answers, I'm not sure what that really shows me.  Maybe training is a good fit?  Something with plants would be amazing, I wonder how feasible greenery-work is... I miss being able to interact with people, also, it was always nice in fast-food and stuff to brighten people's days a little bit as they came and went. 

Well, something to think about.  What'choo guys think?  And how'd you do on your answers?  Do you already have your "perfect career"? 

So here's the update/resolution of this meditation-course conundrum thing I've been puttin' myself through, lately.  Thank you all for the help and insight many of you've provide, by the way. I've thought about it a lot these past two weeks, taking all your words to heart.

Well, I talked to the dude on the phone last night, and had a great conversation!  We both decided that the $900 course isn't something I need.  I asked him what additional stuff the course covers that the book didn't, and after he got over a little bit of ego on it ("they're totally different! So much more material!") I got him to settle on the answer that it's basically the same topics, except to a detailed extreme. 

Since i'm not really interested in all the little nuances of the different religions, and what each one calls what, I should really concentrate on practicing, rather than reading more information About practicing.  Pretty much the answer I was expecting to come to (thanks for the help, mscaprikel!) and it was good to hear that he felt I understood the materials in the book enough that I probably didn't need to worry about the extra details at this point.

It was cool, though, he said since I had him on the phone already, might as well ask him any questions I've come up with.  I was able to ask him about the experiences I've had, that are practically the reason I meditate; he said that it was basically a good glimpse at "the tao", a shadow of a shadow of a shadow of what I should be aiming for in meditation.  That was awesome to hear also, since i sometimes worry that I'm just chasing a mirage. Was cool to hear that it was actually a taste of something I could definitely attain again in the future.

It's great, I feel like I've jumped ahead in progress just from interacting with the dude, and reading that book.  I've always been caught up in trying different techniques and practices and whatever, but he really put it straight forward:  The goal of meditation is to stop the processes of the mind, and see through the illusions we attach to every day.  All the techniques and stuff are just to help people do that.

Unfortunately, being as I am, I've been caught up in the techniques themselves, totally missing the point.  I always knew I was missing something, jumping from practice to practice wondering things like "What is it about breathing that does anything?" "What is it about mantras?"  So, now it's cool, I can cut through all that, and just practice on my own, in my own way, without the tools.

He talked about all kinds of things, and I really got a lot out of it.  Suggested a couple of other books i might be interested in checking out.  And then at the end he said he'd just leave me with two rules:  Practice Correctly, and Practice Diligently.  Correctly meaning not getting caught up in the dogmas of various schools and religions, and diligently meaning often and with heart.  Good advice, I say.

And it saved me nine hundred bucks :)

"Speed Reading" is something that I've been interested in for a long long time.  From some of the people I'd met that claimed to be speed readers, though, I decided that it comes at the price of comprehension, quality, all'a that.   Like Woody Allen said:

"I read War and Peace in 3 minutes!  It involves Russia..."

Anyway, I found this link, and it's GREAT.  The biggest trick I learned from it, is to practice NOT "Sub-Vocalizing" while I read.  That's where you actually say the words in your head as you go. I'd thought about this before, actually, but decided that it wasn't really possible. Plus, I like doing the different voices and stuff, I really get a lot out of that, I think.

Well, turns out with a few years of meditation behind me now, I actually do have the ability to read without "reading".  I won't try to explain it, here's the link - it's worth checking out:

http://www.indwes.edu/tuesday/speed.htm

Any speed-readin' Zaadzsters out there?  Any additional info you could provide?  I'm interested in this sub-vocalizing thing - Do you "talk" in your head when reading a book?  Is it different when reading a novel as opposed to reading a non-fiction textbook-type thing?

I'm  really excited about practicing..but, damn...actually i'm even talking in my head as i type this. hmm...

Anyway, this is in-line with my current meditation practices, too.  It's actually working as sort'a finding the "thinker" beneath the "thinking". It's great.