A Bead on Something to Focus On

{giggles}

ya know… there is this practice that helps one break old habits… by wearing a rubberband on your wrist (large enough to not cut off circulation of course)… then, each time you “catch yourself” you give the rubberband a quick snap.  Now… remember, this isn’t catholic school… you don’t have to pull it back like you’re launching a slingshot… just enough to “zap” your habit.

Then again… just being aware is a really great step…

and … indeed… enjoy the ride of awareness!

Ouch! I’ve never had the courage to try the rubber band method, but I hear it works wonders! ;-)

Rob, good for you for being aware of your pattern. That’s a HUGE step. I wonder what the internal experience is that you get from checking out women? Usually, when we do something over and over again, it’s because there’s an internal pay-off. Sometimes figuring out what the pay-off is and simply finding another healthier way to get the pay-off helps.

Or, you could simply be having fun checking out beautiful women. =)

“Or, you could simply be having fun checking out beautiful women. =)”

Nice, Nancy. 

I think there’s probably a biological reason for it, as well.  It has been to humans’ Darwinian advantage for men to notice women.  Typically, men have been the silent observers and women have been the observed radiant light.  When the two (observer and observed) came together, the result was the continuation of our species. 

It would be awesome if we could just turn that instinct off once we’ve found a partner, but unfortunately, it was also to our Darwinian advantage for men to find multiple partners.  It increased our numbers more quickly.  Large numbers = more who can gather food for the tribe and protect against predators = more likely to survive.

So, that is something you inherited from those who came before you.  I think that the awareness of it happening is probably the best thing and then noticing any thoughts that follow.

Hey Rob, I do a lot of that too, I love adding guys to my friends collection (I’m gay). I was once disturbed by it, but I guess that this behaviour is very positive, life-affirming and should be encouraged, especially because we always respect people we connect to.

Lust is a gift of Life.


That said, I hope you don’t mind if I add you, hee hee.

Nothing wrong with admiring the feminine.. instead of trying to break it, why not immerse yourself in it?  I’m more of a wallower, myself.. whenever I am faced with an issue, I totally let it consume me (within healthy parameters).  Turn it into a lesson.  What makes you so hungry for women?  Superficially, it might be a masculine drive.. but deep down, maybe you are trying to absorb some of what you see.. to incorporate it into your life.  Maybe you’re lonely.  Maybe you’re searching for a muse.  Maybe your admiration of women can be a way for you to get in touch with something that was previously hidden within your psychology or spirituality.  Above, Awen said that “Lust is a gift of Life,” but Lust can also turn into a neverending cycle of torture.  If you never figure out what you’re lusting for and satisfy it in some way, you’re just reducing your condition to Darwinian inheritance.  Bah.  Evolve. 

Then again, I could be way off.  :)

Wow, cool interpretation, Beth!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, I’m worried that you missed what I was saying.. maybe I wasn’t making any sense.  What I mean is this:

Immersion and Indulgence are different things, in my opinion.  Mindlessly gorging yourself on women probably won’t teach you anything about your “addiction,” just like smoking yourself sick on cigarettes won’t help you quit.  Concentrating on why you are so prone to staring at them, then taking a step back each time to see what you like about them might help.  Also, nowhere did I say that I thought quitting or not quitting was necessariy the right thing for you to do (if it is, you’ll have to decide that for yourself).. though I did sort of miss the part about you being in a serious relationship.  Sorry.  Maybe you could try something more along the lines of immersing yourself in the feminine WITH your significant other.  Make HER the object of your gaze, instead of projecting it outward.  Transform your ogling into admiration and passion for her.  Translate your respect for her into respect for all the women you’re staring at.  Look at the feminine aspects of YOURSELF and pay attention to them.  Maybe it is something as simple as the fact that our western society is dominated by masculinity, and that you’re reacting in some way to it. 

As for your parallel of the sweet tooth evolving into eating candy and donuts.. I was thinking more of “evolution” along the lines of worldly development.  Maybe try a parallel like.. the use of fuel.  Humans used to burn wood, then (and still) nasty coal.. then found ways to utilize cleaner forms of oil, to now where we’re exploring clean corn-based fuels, soy bean fuels, ethanols, etc.  If you immerse yourself in the problem, it becomes your choice as to whether you focus your addiction on things that will damage you, or whether you come up with better solutions because of the insights you have..

I don’t know specifically why I’ve been drawn to reply to your posts, but I do know that it really makes me happy when I see males trying to figure out what’s going on in relation to females.  Some would argue that there is no point in trying to do that, but I disagree.  I don’t know you or your situation personally, but maybe this means that there are other guys out there going through the same awareness thing you are..  which is encouraging.  I hope that my replying to your blog is okay with you - yours is pretty personal territory.  Believe me - women go through the same thing you do, in reverse.  Have you ever read David Deida?

<3
-B