(UPDATE: Trying to harness the power of positivity, I changed the title, here...It was a bit pessimistic before, so thought I'd swing it all the way 'round to an extreme :)

Lots of stuff in my head today or something, not sure.  want to maintain blog-integrity on some sort of interesting thing my mind's mullin' over, but there's nothing quite substantial...kinda interferin' with work, really.  So, I guess I'll just dump some stuff down out here, and see if that helps?

Dreams have been more vivid lately, i think, at least.  Remembering more details, at least.  Had an odd theme last week where the dreams kept taking place at like highschool dances.  Had another where i showed up to a baseball game naked.  It wasn't weird or anything, going naked to it was a "thing", just turned out I was the only one that decided to.  Wasn't embarrassed or nothin', just bummed that I coulda chose to have clothes.  Actually, that's another theme the past bit in a few dreams...doing something to my clothes which causes me to have to buy expensive tourist/souvenir clothes from like supermarkets and baseball stadiums and stuff. Hmm.

Anyway, I had an interesting little thing this weekend, where as I lie half-awake in the middle of the night, I think I watched a dream start.  I was just laying there, trying to go to sleep, just sorta relaxing, emptying my mind. then out of nowhere was this random thought "Where's your deoderant?" which is odd by itself, but anyway.. So this thought happened, and then I watched as an image of my girlfriend sitting in a chair coalesced out of the darkness, and it was that she was asking me the question.  I've sorta noticed this reverse-causality in dreams before; where i think of something, and then something's added to the dream, and the understanding becomes that the added thing is what caused the thought... Kinda like those experiments where seeing two lights flash give the impression of the light moving..where seeing the second flash creates the "seeing" of a flash between the two other flashes. Something like that, at least ;)

Pretty hungry, but waiting till lunch to eat. Brought a slice of leftover pizza for breakfast, but it doesn't really honor my self, or papa johns, and isn't for my highest good, so have decided to just skip it, and wait to eat a frozen healthychoice lunch thing.

I think I've gotten a good idea with the why-do-i-check-out-girls type'a thing.  I noticed this weekend that there are actually a bunch of subtle barely-noticeable thoughts beneath this.  I think I'm catching sub-conscious fantasy type deals beneath each glance.  Nothing too detailed or drawn-out, but i'm thinkin' there's a lot of what-would-this-feel-like, what-would-that-look-like flashes of thought-attachment underlying this.  Something low-level is running predictive diagnostics here.  Kinda interesting, really, shrug. Now that I've noticed, I can start tryin' to de-tach, I figure?

Listenin' to this great audio book - The Joy of Thinking. It's pretty cool, using math and geometrical concepts to show the different thought "technology" humans have invented to overcome questions and issues throughout the ages.  Really neat stuff, learned more in-depth info about the fibonacci sequence than I had before. Golden ratio ph stuff, too, like how to derive it, and what a 'golden rectangle' is.  Always knew the superficial parts of it all (hurricanes, nautilous shells, galaxies) but i have a better understanding, now. Really want to segment out a canvas into the nested-golden-rectangle stuff, now, and paint a scene segmented in that spiral. Could be fun.

The whole thing reminds me of stacking pennies into a pyramid, which is something i did a lot as a kid.  i don't really know why. Anyway, there's an additive-sequence that it's made outta...to add one penny to the base, have to add an amount of pennies equal to the rest of the rows... but i laid it out in some math, and, well its' nothign special really. definitely not fibonacci-like additive.

Have a chiropractic appointment in a few.. Kinda bummed, I think i'm actually Worse than when I started dumping hundreds of dollars into accupuncture, chiropractor, body work/massage... Not sure what that means.  Maybe I'm really "better" but just noticing more, since i'm slowly getting fixed?  Haha, that's the line they tell ya, at least. I think I really need to just learn anatomy and fix my own damn self!  That's kinda how it is, isn't it? Gotta figure it out on y'own.

Actually said out loud to some friends last night about how I'm going to go back to school soon!  It's not "real" until you say it, y'know?  So, gotta come up with a plan, a school, classes, and a new job. Only thing, is that in this job, if i stay for like an extra six months? I get "vested" in my 401k.  I don't really know how any of that stuff works, i just signed up for it because somebody told me to, but I think it means i get a free $8k for retirement, and...well...that doesn't sound like a bad thing.  Either way, things gotta start happenin', i need me some schoolin'!

Well damn, guess there was more in my head than i thought. Okay, off to chiropractor and then maybe i can work for the rest of the day ;)

So I been tryin' to pay a little more attention lately to those "notes and reminders" of synchronicities-to-be that swirl around all of us, every day.  It's a kind'a skill that I find and lose all the time...trying to be on the upswing of found.

I get these news-notifications all the time on my phone, don't know why I signed up for them originally, but they're basically the only link I have to current events.  Don't quite care much most'a the time, shrug.

Anyway, so these things have a habit of piling up on me, cause I just don't have the time to read them. I've been getting better at that, but teh past week I've sorta been slackin'.

So the point: today I finally went through the past weeks' worth of news, and one of the stories (barely caught my eye) was "Lost something? Users having luck posting online" or something.  I happened to be in a good moment to post something (like this!), so I went on to craig's list.

I lost this thought-notebook of mine a few months ago :( really sad, had so much information, all my thoughts and ideas and all that. Bummer, but I've recovered.  I posted once on Craigslist before, but thought maybe I'd try again, y'never know, right?

So I post, then I start looking through other people's. Lots of lost pets :-(  But also, a lot of people searching for People; old friends and stuff! 

I have this friend I've been trying to find for a couple years. Best friend from like 4th grade on.  He was somebody that I've lost touch with a few times, but always happened to run into him again within a few months of thinking about him. It's been two years now, though, so...maybe luck's ran out.

I've gone through all the phonebooks, even tried those "PeopleFinder" things. Not really much luck.  I did find an arrest report on file at the Littleton Police site!  But...that's about it. 

So, runnin' with the flow, I posted somethin'!  Maybe somebody knows him? Would be waaay cool to run into him again; I'll have to write something about him some time, he was a great friend.

So, who knows! Guess I'll see if I can harness the power of synchronicity Combined with the power of CraigsList!  What can stop me now?!

One of the key things this book I just read describes, are the five skandhas - "illusions" or "distractions" that keep people from realizing their true selves.  Kinda neat stuff, actually, it's a pretty interestin' model.  Thought I would type it up here to share what i've been stoked about the past few weeks:






So, in this model, all those five "skandhas" are an illusion, or distraction, that keeps the unenlightened from recognizing the "truth", or tao, or mind-o-god or whatever. Even the thought of being a conscious entity needs to be dropped before attaining any sort of clarity.  Pretty neat.

It's actually a pretty good meditation tool, since it gives things to look out for, and mentally let go of.  I'm finding that meditation is a lot like stretching: it's not really about the "stretching", or Doing anything, it's more about relaxing, and Stopping the doing of the something.  Really really good stuff!

I'd been talking about it so much, and have had a week or so to mentally digest it, so thought I would share what I've learned. I think it's a fascinating model of "reality" and it's really given me a lot to think about.  So, uh,  there ya go :) 

Now gimme nine-hundred dollars.

I don't really "do" politicalityness type things (so not interesting to me), but this has caught my eye.

So there's this thing with China and Space goin' on lately.  They've been pushing hard core with their space missions and all that for the past few years, and it reminds me something I heard back after 9/11.

It was a brief moment, a small quote I heard on the news.  Turns out, nobody else remembers hearing it, and I can't find references online. It was said though, and it was something like this:

"And representatives in China have commented on the fact that it has not gone un noticed to them how much the US's space satellites and technology have enabled them to make such speedy progress in the war."

And it's true; satellites, GPS, and communication are really what had us kickin' ass when we first went over. This was back in the "The war will be over in 2 months!" days.

Anyway, so I heard this remark, and understood it's significance.  That's a pretty great thing for a country to notice; seems pretty important.  It was shortly after, that I noticed all the space-hype that China was stirrin' up.  And then I saw this article today:

China Unveils Ambitious Space Plans at National Space Symposium

Short quote:

”But by far the most extensive element of China’s space plans is within the arena of Earth orbiting satellites 'from oceanographic, navigation, and telecommunications satellite systems to constellations of Earth observing and disaster mitigation spacecraft' Luo outlined an impressive cadre of upcoming missions”

It's about China's space plans for the future, and it seems to heavily involve the launching of satellites. Tons of satellites, actually.  Does that quote I heard forever ago seem to shine an interesting light on this news just a couple of years later?

So what'cha guys think?  Any correlation?  Something for other countries to take notice of, now?  Seems pretty interesting to me, personally...and i hate politics!  Even the guys at the imposium were impressed saying things like "Man oh man, they aren't kidding around." 

Anyway, caught my eye, and thought I'd share.

Whew, just got back from a long   weekend in Vegas with my best friend, my girl friend, and her mom.  Sounds like an odd combination, but it actually worked out pretty good!

Learned how to play me some craps, and came up enough to pay for what i spent on the trip, helll yeah.  Craps has really got to be The best game to play. I was intimidated for a bit, but everyone's helpin' everyone out, so it got to be cool.  My friend had played before, so he was showing me the basics, and it was all good, but then this dude we called the Guardian Angel came to the table and showed us what was up!  It was great, i won this dude like a few thousand dollars on a hot roll.  fun stuff!

Got to do the Star Trek thing, and i really dug that (i'm a geek).  Got to do the drunken thing, more than once... Met some cool people at Margaritaville, and MOnte Carlo, and Imperial Palace!    Went around offering to take pictures of couples for them, and That was really fun, too.  I like how pointing and doing the "camera motion" is a universal language.

During the trip, I thought about meditation, raccoons, writing a book, chi, energy, letting go, archetypes, pattern-whirlpools, planes, and light.  Will have to go through some deeper topics soon

Oh, yeah, and have TONS of Zaadz to catch up with!  You all write so many blogs, what are you doin' to me?!

Really tired, at work, body's detoxing from all the cigarette smoke in the casinos, and I gotta get goin'.  Glad to see you'vall been busy while i was gone :)  

I went to take a sip of water a little bit ago, and as I tipped my bottle back, a wavering black speck caught my eye.  There was a dead bug in my water; one of the little gnat-type things that sometimes come out of the pot of a little plant at my desk.

At first I had the standard ewww of almost drinking a bug, but then it turned to a sort'a pity.  Poor little guy, drowning in my water like that.  How long's he been there?  Been a bit since I drank any.  I went to the sink to empty and refill the bottle (i was still pretty thirsty), but as I went to poor it out, I thought that maybe, maybe he wasn't dead yet.  Maybe he just needed to be dried out a little bit, surface tension of water being what it is, maybe it's just overpowering his little body and he simply can't move.  

So, I sloowwly poor out the water bottle over my hands. His body drifts backwards in the overtow of the current; slight adjustment and he's coming forward again.  Drifts right to the lip, and I delicately catch'im on the tip of my finger.

I start gently blowin' air over his body, hoping to evaporate the water that's surrounding.  I can feel the coolness of the water as it dissappears from my finger.  Start looking around; I feel kinda silly realizing that I'm blowing on a dead bug in the middle of my office... So I take my empty water bottle back to my desk as I keep the air-current flowing over.

Seems pretty dry by now, and still nothing but the black speck, flat cellophane wings, and legs of scribbles on the tip of my finger.  Dang.  I really thought that would work.  I keep blowing, maybe there's still some moisture underneath that needs to be dealt with.  Nah, didn't work.  Ohwell, good try.  But what do I do now? Just...wipe him off?

Then I realize that I'm not really just a techy nerd-jock.  Logic and rationalization aren't the bonds they once were.  I have beliefs, I now have unexplained experiences and sensations of energy and life that are anything but a chain to bind me.  I start focusing.  I start feeling.  I start "movIng" without moveMent.  I look at the black spot on my finger, and I smile at it.  No, I smile in it. Through it.

What was once two-dimensional exercises the third.  A wing's now perpendicular to my finger.  A little black butt's stuck up in the air.  Did something happen?  I continue blowing gentle currents over it. C'mon...get up...  I wait a moment...nothing new.  I take a breath, I close my eyes, I gather my self.  I open, and curl my soul into another smile, with compassion.

In the blink of an eye, it's up!  What was once a motionless speck is now running around on my hand at top speeds.  Running, running, pencil-scribble legs now stiff and supporting, upside down, zipping here to there!  I can't believe it, I watch him run, turning my hand over and over as he goes, balancing him to make sure gravity's on his side and he doesn't fall off.  Are his wings broken? I try blowing some more, and he tacks into the current, wings folding in.  I stop blowing, and the foot-race is back on.  

It's been a bit of time now, and I really do have work to do.  Still no sign of flight yet, but I need the hands for typin'. I lead him to run off onto my monitor where he runs back and forth a couple of times. Then, like the past few moments hadn't happened at all, woop! He takes off, and flies away.  The excitement's over as whatever journey he's about to embark on begins.  He'll be dead tomorrow, but whatever.  Without my water bottle he wouldn't have almost drowned in the first place; without my plant he might never have lived.  Who knows, I'm sure it all works out some how.

This is starting in the spirit of Rigzin's last blog.  I got a message from somebody recently, asking how "the career search" was going.   I felt sorta guilty when I had to reply with "um, about the same...'.  That's not a very Zaadzy answer, is it? 

So, I started thinking about how I need to add a little more deliberate umm...manifestation?  to my life as far as the job thing goes.  Use that whole law-o-attraction stuff that's all the rage right now, y'know? ;)

But then I started thinking some more, and...Well, I actually have been putting together a plan, lately, and the gears have started shiftin' like a semi from a stoplight...not much effect by themselves, but buildin' the momentum.

It looks like I'm going back to school first semester of '07.  I really wish it was earlier, but...there's this unfortunate thing where if I just stay at my current job for 6 more months?  I get vested and have 8k dumped into my 401k.  After that, I figure it's a good idea to dump the 401k, invest That into an IRA, and then make the large career-shift to a college-friendly deal like... like pizza delivery :)

So, with all my want for change, I feel the pull of a slow, deliberate, even pace.  I'm not a very money-minded guy, though, so I'm just going off of what others are telling me is a good idea. 

Anybody with an "investment-eye" know if this sounds like a good plan?  I really just feel like pullin' the plug from my job in a couple months; having a chill summer to plan, and going to school in the fall, but... a free 8k for retirement sounds like something worth slowing down a little for.

And then with the college thing; I gotta make an appointment with a counselor soon.  I hear there's a local college that does some sort of "create your own degree" type'a deal.  I'm interested in Math, Physics, and Horticulture.  What kinda whacked-out degree is that gonna be??

So, yeah, stuff's movin', mind-sets are shiftin'... I'm already psychin' myself up back into the "real job" mindset. Where breaks are scheduled, shifts are well-defined, start-times matter, and there's somebody tellin' me what to do.  Corporate life has made me soft, I think.

I'm not sure how loans will play out..I kinda made too much money the past couple'a years to qualify for any "studenty" loans, so...just kinda expecting to end up with a "real"  one.  I don't really spend much money, but will have to shift budgets some...girlfriend and I will have to find a cheaper apartment, cats will have to get used to string instead of new toys ( i don't think they'll mind).

And..that's that!  For now, at least.  Life could always use a little more deliberate energy-focusing, though, so I think I'll start holding some job-finding-like intentions throughout the day... Things are gonna get a little weirder through the months from here on out ;-)

I had wrote a blog a couple'a weeks ago about my lost notebook (and friend!) that I posted a Lost & Found about on the internet.  Oh, I don't mean that the notebook was my friend, i lost a notebook, and seperately a friend.  Haha, nevermind.

Anyway, nobody wrote back with any information on the notebook :(  but i Did get an interesting letter from somebody About lost things!  Here it is:

-----------------------------------------------

Hi.

My name is XXXX   and I'm a Sociologist from the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA).  I must say upfront that I'm very sorry to hear about your lost notebook.  It may seem sort of strange but I'm writing a book on the experience of losing things and I was hoping that you could provide me with a *brief* story detailing your experience.  Your case would actually be quite perfect for the study.  (And who knows, your story's publication in my book could help you locate your missing item.)

I'm especially interested in a description of how it was lost and how you tried to find it.  What did you do at each step of the way?  What kinds of thoughts did you have while searching? (If you don't remember all the details that's okay.)  I'm looking for the ordinary experiences, not embellishments.  Some participants have written as little as half a page and others have written five pages.  It's up to you, but the more detail, the better.  

Your story would appear in my book to be published in the next year.  I will send all participants a notice about the publication date and the final title.  If you would like to participate, please send me your story, age, city location, and job type (or student status).  I will not use your name or any other identifying information, unless you prefer I do.

I'd really appreciate your help on this.  And I truly hope the notebook turns up.

Warmest,
XXXXXXXXXX
-----------------------------------

Interesting, huh?   So, I wrote up a little ditty, and sent it back!  I might get a story about my notebook, in another book!  Kinda neat!   Interesting how these things work out, huh??  So, here's the letter I wrote back.  Thought I'd post it here, since...well...cause it's Zaadz!

-----------------------------------

The notebook that I lost was something that I had carried around pretty much everywhere with me.  I used it to organize all thoughts and information that I came accross (learned about the method online), so it was a pretty personal thing.  When I first thought it was lost, I was devestated. I really dug flipping through it, browsing over past thoughts and notes whenever I was bored or just sitting around somewhere.

Well, I realized it was missing on a Sunday afternoon, when I went to jot some notes on evolution I'd just heard about (creatures grew legs before they left the ocean!).  On Saturday mornings I would take it to my martial arts class to jot down notes on forms and internal movements, techniques and stuff.  So, at first, I wasn't too worried, because I figured I had just left it in the corner of the kwoon the day before.  I really wanted to drive down on that Sunday, and look through the windows, though, just to know it was safe.  But, I didn't.

Just to be sure it wasn't around, I checked all through my car and it's trunk and then checked around the house, under clothes and stuff.  Wasn't there.  I had class again on Tuesday night, so I just waited till then.  I was worried about it, but kept putting it out of my mind whenever it came up.  I was really hoping it was still at the school.

Tuesday came, and it wasn't there.  I looked all around the class, along the walls, in the bathroom, and it wasn't there.  I asked some other students, and the teacher, and they told me about the various "lost'n'found" spots that people typically leave stuff they find; it wasn't in any of those spots either.  I did find some interesting books and things that I would have never known were there, though.

At this point, I wasn't sure if somebody had stolen it, or if I had just taken it with me somewhere else and forgotten about it.  I tried to think back to Saturday, but I hadn't really done anything too special.  Came home from class, got showered and dressed, and went to my girlfriend's family's house for drinkin' and card games.  Not somewhere that I'd normally take the notebook to.

I started checking my girlfriend's jeep, and started looking at less-obvious places in the house.  Under couches, in cabinets, in closets, looking under clothes and even bathroom cabinets and stuff where I knew it wouldn't be; but still hoped it might.  I went through all the drawers of our desks and dressers, checked on high shelves...just everywhere I could think of.  Still putting it out of my mind that it was really gone.

The next Saturday, I stayed late after class and waited for the next class to show up.  I asked some of the people from there, and they hadn't seen it the week before, either.  Somebody said that there was somebody from another school that mighta been trying to steel our notes, but I dismissed that idea as it sounded a little silly.  This was when I came to the conclusion that I must have left it on top of my car after class, and driven away.

I called some of the small storefronts that were on the street, asking the workers and owners if they'd seen a notebook the week before; nobody had.  I drove around the street a few times, looking for fence-corners and stuff that mighta caught parts of a notebook, but came up with nothing.  Even asked a few of the local teenagers that I saw walking around if they'd seen it.  Nobody had.

As a last resort, I posted a "lost and found" notice on the internet.  My daily news-bites on my cellphone had come up with a headline "People Finding Lost Things Online" and, taking that as a sign, I wrote up a note.  Still no luck.

So, I was pretty bummed about the whole deal, and was questioning if I'd ever start a notebook again.  So much work was put into the last one, and it was all gone.  I pushed all the negative thoughts out of the way, went and got another binder, stuffed it with paper, and started again.  I wrote down all the different notes and thoughts that I could remember were in the last one (they were still with me, even with the notebook gone!), and I set myself up a new binder.  I've been a little more careful with this one, but I'm really glad that I started it. It has already collected at least as much information and thoughts as the last one. 

So, apparently I was misinformed about my apartments... I'm planning on going back to school in the fall.  My lease is up so we need to move to somewhere closer to my girlfriend's work so that she can save money on gas, while I quit my coosh job, and start living on a college-student's salary. 

Turns out, that to stay without signing a lease at these apartments, it'll be an extra $400 per month!  That's crazy!!!    Plus all the first/last month/deposit stuff of finding a new place, so...  Well, so we have One month to move, if this school thing's gonna happen at all.

So the school thing!  I need help!  ...I think?

I've said before that my interests are physics, math, and plants.  I've just recently heard about a field called Bioenergetics; the "study of energy investment and flow through living systems".  That sounds awesome!  I'd love to focus a degree to that area, but... What area is that?

I'm thinking it's mainly a part of a Biology degree.  Does that sound right?  Biology isn't Exactly what i was going for, but I think it has a lot of the physics and math that I'm looking for.  Seems to be a bit more statistical math than the calculus/linear algebra type stuff I was looking for.  Anybody know any info on that?  What about just "Energetics" ?

I'm going to a college in a couple hours to talk to them about what I'm looking for... I'm hoping I can get some good key-words to ask the right questions.

I need to call a few other colleges, too, some of the universities around and such, but I realy have no idea what I'm talking about, so the noise-to-info ratio will be annoyingly high.

As far as math goes, I have the goal of understanding tensors.  I'm not sure if that has anything to do with biology, but... it's gotta be included.

Thanks for any info!  I don't really know what I'm doing at all, so trying this reach-out-to-the-internet type'a deal.

Hopefully soon the uneasy I'm-jumping-and-don't-know-where-the-bottom-is  excitement will have gone down a little, and I can get back to more interesting blogs (!)

Thanks again :)