This new lengthy commute is having interesting effects, since now I have a little over an hour to myself.  There's this function of ROb(timeToSelf) that only has wackyness in it's domain, but I always forget the limits until look at my notes.

Today, I was thinking about a few different things.  Tsuya and I have been having an interesting conversation about being more comfortable with being natural in how we interact with others.  We each seem to have this idea that we hold ourselves back from really expressing our views,  our inner ideas and such, in fear of being seen as too "out there" or scaring people into silence and shy smiles.  I actually wrote a blog about it a little bit ago; I tend to lean back with opinions I hold, and retreat easily when they're challenged, so...So confidence is apparently somethin' I could be working on. Neat!

I was thinking about the various positions of ego that different cultures hold.  The western-mind is typically reported as being somewhere behind the eyes, but some indian cultures report it as being in their solar plexus and i've heard that other asian peoples have been known to report it as in their "tan'tien" or stomache'ish region.  Some swammies have meditations where they move their point of ego around through their whole body.

Moving my thoughts around is something I've played with for a while, and I might go into it some time.  Shifting thoughts around to the forward of my head/brain was a fascinating (even sorta painful!) experience.  So, I was thinking about this stuff, and decided to start trying to think from my stomache area for a bit, so I did and it was nice.  I was also thinking about the different areas that all sorts of people's voices originate from, so I started speaking from my stomach also and...what a noise!

I've been noticing my voice lately, and how it changes depending on the different situations I'm in.  When speaking with a friend whom I'm comfortable with, on a subject that has both passion and confidence, I can have this low-stomache deep, resonating, authoritative voice.  When I pass somebody in the hall while lost in thought and need to mutter a greeting at the last second, the oddest high-pitched squeaky "hi!"s can be heard.   Othertimes it can vary within the whole range.

 Anyway, so I think I'm going to play with this voice a bit.  The hollowing out, rounding of the body can resonate quite nicely.  Might also help with some of the ab/chest muscle-tightness that seems to be part of my whole body-issues-package, since if I'm collapsing in on my air as I avoid committing to viewpoints and such as a character trait...well, I could see that adding up. 

And these are the things that long lonely car rides bring out in me.  Loudly "OM"ing, reaching for deeper and deeper tones, saying "Goood Moorrrning!" in a rumbling voice to each car that passed as I practice for random-hallway-hello encounters...Where else but a car could you be around so many people, but so comfortable? I know the wide-open-mouthed  chanting could have looked funny if anybody paid attention, but the resonatin' in my bones was like a massage for the insides.  Not one of those good painful massages, but more like swallowing one of those cheap little massage chairs that people sit on in the mall.  

Another step in confidence and personal growth?  Maybe...Now I just need to stop feeling awkward, like everybody knows what I'm doing and knows that this voice isn't real and wondering just what am I trying to pull this time, when I'm actually just a phony who doesn't mind feeling silly in traffic... 

Well, it's been done!  The "Send/Receive" button has been smacked with authority, and my resignation e-mail is patiently poised for pouncing in my manager's inbox.

There's scary stuff in the air at the moment, and I'm not sure what i'm sniffin'...I've been plannin' on putting in my months-notice resignation this week, but then last friday my manager went away to Europe for three weeks!  I couldn't catch'im the day that he left (which was the same day I heard about it), so I was at a loss as to what to do; I usually think of quitting as a face-to-face transaction.

So this morning this Other guy on my team comes in and tells us that he just called the manager dude, and he's quitting, too!  Ack!  We're a team with three developers, and now two of us are leaving.  The remaining developer is a friend of mine from highschool and the one that got me this job, so now I worry; is his job suddenly in danger?  Since our manager's already got planning to do at the loss of one worker, I thought it was only fair to let him know what he's really got ahead of him.

I'm also currently burrying myself in information, putting together my own degree at the college I'm plannin' on headin' to. This isn't an easy thing!  I have a catalog that I've gone through and highlighted a rediculous breadth of courses in, and I'm drowning in data trying to follow through all the different pre-reqs and compliments and trying to decide between classes that I "need" and ones that are "just interesting". They're all interesting!  And the flaw of broad-minded-thought means that I see how they all relate to all of the others and how could I feel like I gave my self a full education if I'm missing any of them?  

In addition, we Still ain't finished unpacking from our move, I've barely been home, the cats aren't eating, Ginger and I have no time for each other, less time for our selves, the sinks are clogged, I feel like I've neglected Zaadz lately, and AHHHHHHH!!!!!  What's going on?

Change is going on!  Deep down, I know this is all within acceptable limits.  This is the friction of the choppy shores of vicissitude, the energy costs and explosions of transmutation, the...thingamajig of a...what'chamacallit...umm... eh.

So yeah, things are movin' along!  I still have that whiff of oddness in the back of mind, though.  Am I missing something?  Are there signs in the weather patterns of life around me that I'm ignoring?  How did a blog about quitting my job turn into a quivering blob of confusion?

Hmm. I wasn't going to actually  post this but, well, apparently there's just not the same therapeutic value of a meaningless rant without hitting the submit button.  Interesting attachment with that one, eh?  

Anyway, things are movin', things are crazy, and I'm goin' crazy right along with'em.    

With my fancy new daily drive, I've had a lot of time to play around in traffic.  Traffic's kinda one of those funky experiences of city life that can sometimes be puzzling.  I've always wondered, why can it be so annoying?  How does so much stress, tension, and anxiety come out of just sitting around in a metal box, surrounded by other people lounging around in their own metal boxes?  I kinda figure it's like doing laundry: don't really have to do much, but it requires full attention because you can't really do anything else either, and how annoying is that?

Traffic doesn't really bother me like it did when I first started driving.  Actually, I kinda enjoy it!  There's a lot of people watching to be done, a lot of behavior that comes out through driving that wouldn't normally be seen, lots of time to actually see the area on either side of the road.  My favorite part of traffic though, is controlling it.

When I first got out on the road, I was always puzzled and annoyed at those points of dead traffic where there was nothing going on!  Everyone's driving fine, and then suddenly we're all stopped.  After slowly creeping along for a couple'a miles or so, there'd be this point where it'd all dissappear, and we'd just start speeding back up like nothing happened!  I was one of those kids that was all "Gah!  Didn't even get to see an accident or nothin'!" I realize now that that's such a horrible thing to wish for, but at the time it at least sounded pretty cool.

Anyway, I started paying more attention to these areas, and realized that these dead spots were really just accumulations of energy from some earlier moment.  Somebody would have to slow down or cut into a lane or something, the people behind them would have to hit their brakes, which would cause somebody else to, yadda yadda yadda... that moment is frozen in time and forever more others will stop at that point, passing on the tales of the car, the car who slammeth it's brakes in times of old...Until I come along.

At some point, I realized that there's no reason for this persistance of information, y'know? It's a highway, not a hard drive.  I passingly played with the ideas of storing messages in the traffic; a team of cars out on the highway, hitting their brakes at specific points in certain lanes, and they would persist as long as as there was a steady flow of cars to carry it on through time.  We'd plan bank robberies like this, or pass on government secrets we'd lifted from high-security buildings... Data integrity would be pretty low, though...it'd only take one asshole on a cell phone to skew the info, potentially causing massive nuclear wars and so much carnage!! I decided to be content in erasing these "knots" of traffic as I went along.

These days, I drive all slowly and consistently while in areas of heavy traffic and I make a game'a "eating" the dead spots out of the traffic.  It's a lot of fun, actually!  Leave some area in front of my car, I see all the brake lights ahead as people speed unsuspectingly into the trap time has left for them.  Some people get frustrated, seeing all the tempting open space that I've left ahead and zip into another lane just to slide back in front of me.  They soon meet the fruits of their doing, though and end up slamming their brakes like the rest of them.  I move on.

I stand strong, steadily moving towards my prey.  If I falter in my faith, hitting my brakes, then I'll just perpetuate the clot; except it will have creeped backwards and then what will I have done?  I push on.  The red lights ignite on the car that's in front of me, the time has come!  I maintain my speed, and right as I'm about to enter the danger zone of the fender-bender, the car shakes off the pause, regains his speed, and time is defeated! 

I glance back in my rear view, and see only a smooth line of cars.  No longer will this spot be troubled by the lights of brakes and the screeching of tires.  The people behind me don't know what I've saved them from, but that's alright.  They're travelling a little slower for the ordeal, but most importantly they're travelling consistently.  With consistency comes relaxation, with relaxation, acceptance, and with acceptance the loss of frustration.

So, like I said, I've had a lot of time to sit around in traffic and let my mind run.  This morning, I couldn't help but wonder...can't I make this into a metaphor for enlightenment?  (Yeah, i have LOTS of time these days...)

Cause really, this is how it seems to me.  There's blockages of thought that are whirlpools of past thought and experience.  As long as our thoughts feed those pools, they'll persist.  Is meditation and the 'middle way' simply the calm, steady pace of the traffic of our minds?  And what about the wear and tear we save on our 'vehicles'?  Less peddle-pushin', less friction, less stop, less go. And what about muscles and body work?  Are the knots in our muscles, tales of a time past when we tensed them up, and never let go?  And..and...sigh, never mind.  It's all just a good time, and now it's time to work :)

Have I mentioned yet, that this isgoing to be the season that I get over my allergies?  I don't think I have, so I am now, just so I can be held accountable for it, later ;-)

Ever since I can remember, I've always had horrible hayfever-type allergies.  When I was a kid, it was way worse than  it ever is now; my eyes would itch and water so much that they would turn red.  My mom would lay me down with a cool wet washcloth over them, and I'd wake up with them sealed shut from the gunk that'd accumulate.  Horrible stuff.  Years later though, and now the main thing I have to deal with is the constant sneezing and runny noses.

It always screws me in the summer...I see the spring coming, and the days getting longer and I get so happy because I love this time of year.  I get kinda depressed sometimes in the winter, so it's always a relief to see the weather changing.  Then the joke kicks in, though, and after my first sneezing attacks I remember, oh yeah...forgot about that part of the season.

Normally I just end up spending the summer/spring popping allergy pills as a preventative.  It's not really so bad, just take some medication every few hours, and i'm free!  But, there's a new catch... As I do more meditation and martial arts training, my body-sensitivity is increasing.  Now, I swear that I can feel negative effects of sudafed, and benedryl. Not sure exactly what it is, but when I'm taking them I can tell that I'm "off".  It's not That obvious, and easily ignored, but still...there's something not right.

So this year is IT!  I'm done with allergies, with sneezing my head off, with runny noses and itchy eyes.  I'm going to figure this one out. 

 Allergy -  From the Greek roots "allos" - meaning "other" - and "ergon" meaning "work" or "action".    Typically defined as "an abnormally high sensitivity to certain substances". 

Now, I'm not sure how to interpret the roots of the word... Other and Work?  The work of an other, meaning seperate of self?  "Other" apparently comes from the indo-european root "werg", which apparently is a common ancestor of things from work to "orgy"... Interesting.

Hypersensitivity, meaning an over reaction.  Over-reaction to the presence of "other", triggering "work"? Either way, apparently I am seeing something harmless as an enemy, and acting accordingly.

This is the first thing that I'm going off of when trying to intellectualize the overcoming of allergies - It's my reaction to the substances, not the substances themselves, causing them.  So I'm going to try and Accept them. I'm spending time accepting the pollon and the dust - the things native to the environment.  In this accepting, perhaps there will cease overeaction?

Second thing - I can stop myself from sneezing.  Slipping into a meditative state when I feel the oncoming of a sneeze, I can calm my self so that it doesn't manifest.  Neat trick, but takes a lot fo mental concentration.  Doesn't quite work while driving.

Third thing - Very similiar to the feeling of an allergy-induced sneeze - I notice that in certain circumstances, a well-placed breeze can give rise to the tingling of the nose that creates a sneeze.  Energy system malfunction?  I can feel the breeze on my toes, the cold gives rise to energy fluctuations, and then bam! I'm sneezing.  One comes, and that's the end...no amount of meditation has saved me after the 'attack' begins.

So these are the things I'm trying to work with: acceptance, mindfulness, and energy management.  I'm trying to open my self up to the environment, feeling it in fullness.  Any odd tingles and twinges pop up, I try and smooth them out through my system.  Clearing my mind to help concentrate, I try and dismiss sneezes.  

Can I do it?  Why not?  I see no reason not to, it's my own damn self seeing an enemy where there isn't necessarily one.  And this is the season!  I'm not going to live each summer taking medication for something I'm doing to my self. 

A new friend on Zaadz, Todd, had an interesting blog up a few days ago about Attachment and the buddhist concept of Non-Attachment.  He asked a pretty good question in it about something that had been buggin' him: "...how can you not have it [attachment] and still love the world around you?"

Can find the blog here: 

http://sock.zaadz.com/blog/2006/6/attachment

Now, I thought that was a pretty fascinating question. Attachment and the lack of it is something that I've spent a bunch'a time thinkin' about, so I ventured to leave a comment  hoping it might help'im along.  Turns out that I really had no idea what to say on the topic though, so I kinda ended up with one of my muddled babblin' things that I tend to do. He said it was neat, but that he still didn't get it, so I had to wonder: do i?

I started thinking about attachment, and things we'd be attached to.  What about sunsets?  What about somebody that totally digs sunsets and never misses a one - does their attachment cause them suffering?  Well, what happens when the sunset's "over'"; what would they think?  They'd probably just look forward to the next night's, since it happens every day.  Okay, so what about that person getting a night job, and having to spend every evening inside a building with no windows and never getting to see a sunset again?  Would they be devastated?  Would they try and switch to sunrises?  Would they just end up loving the twilight and the extra sun they get during the day?

I had put a quote into Todd's comments that I thought might help him, because i felt that it had helped me in the past. It was something some mystic had said to a dear friend.  --Ack!  I just did some research, and turns out that I biffed up the quote in his comments :-/  Also turns out I got it from Dan Millman!  Go Dan!  Anyway, the REAL quote is:

I love you as much as I've ever loved anyone in my life—and I don't care if I ever see you again.

Turns out it was from Ram Dass.  Sorry for the confusion, Todd...  Anyway, this is even better, because it illustrates my new point quite conveniently ;-)

So, love doesn't necessarily mean attachment; that was the point I was going for.  And I started thinking about my poor person with the sunset problem, and Ram Dass with the love of his friend...  What is the relationship between love and attachment, and what does it mean?

As far as the sunset person, if his love of the twilight was as strong as his love of sunsets, he misses out on the suffering of having the sunsets "taken away" .  What about Dass and his friend?  What if he never Did see his friend again?  What would he have?  

If he never saw his friend again, he may have the feeling of loss, or at least feelings associated with a noticed absence of that friend in his life.  So what if he loved that feeling, too?  It's a very human emotion/experience - the loss of a friend. Actually, it's a very Life experience - I'm thinking of Where the Red Fern Grows, now haha.  Anyway, so it's a big part of being alive, and also a rare opportunity to experience.  What is more beautiful than the emotional feelings of missing a close friend?  

So, it keeps coming to this in my head - attachment through love, and the overcoming of it  through more lovin'.  Is this a part of the message that all them spiritual teachers try to convey?  And how does this help with Tom's question?

How can you have Non-Attachment, AND Love for the world?  Does "By literally having love for all of the world" count as an answer? 

That's really somethin' for me to think about, which is kinda cool.  Even prolly applicable to other things like quitting addictions and stuff...the absence of our desires can be a new unique feeling to appreciate as being a part of the whole life-enchilada?  Huh...I'll have to think about it s'more.  It definitely doesn't seem like an easy goal.

Anyway, so, maybe this'll help ya, Tom!  It may'a at least helped me. (thanks!)

(Gonna try to write a short'em'up blog this time...somehow it never seems to work out for me.)

Last Friday was another Acupuncturist appointment for me, meaning another two months at Zaadz!  Crazy, huh?

My acupuncturist was Completely stoked to hear about all the changes that are being realized in my life!  After bitching about my job to her for a year and a half, the combination of her and you awesome zaadz-folk finally did the trick ;-)  Also?  Turns out she saw one of the Zaadz ads, and was going to recommend the site to me!  But first thing out of my mouth was "So I found this amazing place..!"  and she loved it.

Anyway, I went into the treatment feeling good, and came out feeling Great, like always. Five-element acupuncture is such an interesting thing that way.  She opened up some blockages I had in the sinus-kinda-head-area (I hadn't even brought up my allergies yet when she took my pulses and found the block) which was another one of those fascinating things she does... And the rest were some support-type points for the changes that are coming.

So, something Shelly said on the blog I wrote about allergies has stuck in my head, and I've been thinking it over a lot, lately.  She brought up how many allergies have emotional roots and ties. I've had horrible allergies since I was a kid, so I keep wondering...is there anything emotional that could be there?

On the ride home from my appointment, I felt so aware, open, the world was so vibrant; I was so alert that I decided to clear my mind, put some attention at the points she had hit, and see what came up in my mind.

I thought back to childhood, and all these memories came to surface. Interestingly enough, these memories were all of the pets I had as I grew up; my dogs Leica (a medium-sized white mutt), Fluffer (toy poodle and shitzu - we used to call him a shitzoodle), and O'Malley, my cat.   All these friends of mine are long gone passed away now, but apparently anything but forgotten.

The rest of this gets a little corny, but it was a touching moment. Y'see, it wasn't exactly the memories of my times with these souls that were coming up, but rather the extreme feeling of love that I had for them as a child.

Ever had those feelings when giving pets some lovin' where there's just so much energy and emotion welled up inside that you don't know what to do with it?  Teeth grit, grip tightens, just feel like shakin' it all out?  I had a lot of those moments as a kid. It's actually only the past couple of years through martial arts and meditation that I've learned what to Do with it!  Anyway, back to the memories.

While paying attention to driving (naturally!) these memories kept coming up.  The memories of excited little puppies coming home for the first time sliding around on linoleum, not understanding that we were going outside for a very specific purpose and not just for play... Sometimes I would just capture them in a close hug. The memories of Leica who would take this very well as she stood there, worried eyes darting around not really knowing just what to do.  These were some of my best friends.

So, I'm thinking back to all this, and...well, and my eyes start wellin' and the nose starts stuffin'.  All very familiar emotiony beginnings for me. This is the point in a movie where I start counter-measures for saving face.  The time that I'd sniff a little and hold it back, thinking it silly to act such a way over a dumb dog or cat. And then I caught my self, in the act of catching my self.  I pondered, and felt and experienced.

Shelly...allergies...emotions... Is this what they mean?  These feelings of stuffied sinus, puffied eyes; isn't this about what it feels like when my allergies start coming on?  So I relax, I open myself to the experience.  I didn't ever break into a full cry or nothin', but I felt.  The rain was falling on my windshield, (the trees were so vibrant out my open window! they love a  good rain) and the additional filter of excess optical fluid gave the world a bit of a glow.  I pondered.

I thought back to all the times where I haven't let my self get to appreciate this feeling.  Actually, at it's onset, the battle of inhibition begins as I pull back, away from the afflicted areas.  I thought about attention, pain, and tickling.  It always hurts less when I feel the pain.  My feet are un-tickleable since now there's a part of me that lives in them and doesn't run away.  Emotional components to allergies, huh?  Is this an example of like curing like?  Do I ignore these areas in such a way that when tickled by a tree's "making love to my face" (thanks for that one, Tsuya!) the tickled resistence of experience coaxes on the sneeze of expelling? 

Anyway, so much for the short blog this time.  I have some stuff to focus on, though.  I need to make some meditation with the goal of exploring. Do I need to rent a sappy movie?  Interestingly enough, lately I've noticed something about my breathing in general.  What does it mean when you feel like you're "missing half of my breath?"  The front half, actually.  I'm now trying to breath in deeply, expanding the "frong half" of my breath and letting go.  I'm getting the most fascinating clicks and pops out of my chest as it gives the impression of opening.  Hopefully I won't hurt my self ;-)

And my allergies?  Two sneezing attacks since Friday.  Two too many, but far less than before.  Or is it all in my head?  Or Is It All In My Head. 

Well, the time is drawing near!  In two weeks, I will have no job and life will never be the same!  At least, hopefully...if I end up full circle back at this point, then...Well, then I guess I'd better have a damn good reason for it.  So much work, though!  I just found out that the course catalog that I based my degree off of was out dated, and need to redo it!  Oy, doing stuff involves so much doing stuff!

This is all only finally beginning to seem "real" to me.  I find my thoughts wandering more and more towards the future - just what will I do with a month and a half off??

I've never not worked, since I started working.  Now, I've planned on a month and a half between ending this job, and beginning school.  My focus keeps accidentally drifting towards the "rationality" side of life, and I get spooked...no job lined up? what am I gonna do?  Will I find a decent job that will be school friendly and still allow me time to see my girlfriend?  A couple of full time "good job" offers have come up as people hear I'm leaving...should I be taking them?  No!  That would be me stuck back in "just another job", and I'm out for dreams here, not a paycheck. 

So, what to do with more time than I've had since I was a teenager?  Should I plan something? I'd hate to "just" dilly-dally it away...but would that really be bad?   My interests are wide and varied, should I concentrate on "just" one, and master a..something?  Should I spread it around, and experience a lot, but get little "accomplished"?  

So, let's see...lists are good, I've always found them handy.  What are some things I'm interested in?

- Spend Time with Ginger:  This is a biggie, but she'll still be working a full time job.  I think this means my free time will be limited to 8 hours a day, but I get to see her after work and on the weekends without having a long drive from work!  I'm hoping she'll take off a day or two so we can have fun playing in the sun.

- Painting:  I do know that I WILL paint over my summer.  I've got the bug, and a couple of canvasi, a few ideas, and a fascination with art.  I will make time for this one, even if it comes out horrible.

- Learning to play the Banjo:  I bought a used banjo a couple of years ago, and started to learn. I was doing sorta okay at it, but then I got a girlfriend and it fell.  Should I try to pick this back up?  Playing a new instrument is a big pain in the ass, but I don't really have an instrument to call my own yet.  Actually, just making music is an interest that I would love to pursue...I feel that I could spend an entire month-and-a-half and only get a fraction of the way towards actually making any music.  This one might not be feasible.

- Reading/Learning - I have SO many books to read, and i haven't gotten to read any of them since I moved!  I will definitely spend time over my summer reading some books...should I read a couple all the way through, or spread the love over many books?

- Playing:  I love to play.  I'm SO looking forward to actually existing during the daytime!  It's so much more interesting when all the corporate-types are locked away in offices, and I'm out in the sun.  Will I walk around town?  Downtown?  Go to parks, and...what?  I'll definitely party with some of my night-working friends, but they don't get up until after noon, so will that mean that I miss out on hanging out with my girlfriend after 5?

- Martial Arts/Fitness:  How much time should I spend practicing Bagua?  Maybe I could dedicate my self to a month of sobriety and training - how far would it take me?  Will I just end up sweaty and need a break from my break?  Maybe I can combine this with "Playing", and get over my self consciousness of practicing forms in a public area.  Should I take up running?  Go to the gym?  

- MEET PEOPLE (Zaadzsters???):  I want to get out and meet some people, make some new contacts!  I already have a lot of friends, and they're a lot to handle..I need acquaintances, haha.  I'm really hoping to meet some  Zaadz-folk, I hear they grow thick in the Boulder area which isn't too far.  What'll I use to hook up some lunch/coffee/something meetups and dig my self more snugly into the Zaadz culture?

 - Volunteer: I've been thinking about volunteering at places - is that something that can be easily done just for a month or so?  Is there anything secular and interesting for a person that wants to donate some time?

- Tour the National Energy Something'er'other:  I drive by it every day on I-70, national energy...umm..something.  I knew it before.  Oh!  National Renewable Energy Laboratory!  I hear they give tours, and since my degree will be in something like renewable/sustainable energy, that would be a kick!

- Improve on Playing Go:  This is a game that I really freaking fell in love with.  I started learning a few years ago though, and it really takes an IMMENSE time-drop to get even kinda good at!   I think this is still somewhere far in my future when my other hobbies drop off, and i'm just an old man with too much time on my hands.  Still, though, I might try and get a game or two in online. 

- Write a book:  I have a few ideas for a couple of different books...would it be worthwhile to just write a few pages of a book each day, and see what happens?  I hear the book market is a killer machine these days, would I want to get into that? 

- Look around at buddhist/zen temples:  That would just rock.

- Art Museums: again, the rocking.

- Test out of pre-reqs for college:  I think I'm gonna end up wanting to test out of a Lot of stuff for college...at $80 a pop, though...?  So maybe I'll need some study time and such? 

- I Don't Know:  I don't know!  I've never had time off, what will I end up doing??  Looking at this list, I think i'm screwed...a month and a half is a lot of time, but it's not a lotta time!  And really...will i be able to structure it like this?  

So, things are starting to swirl around as my head spins with the possibility of the future.  I'm definitely going to take time to relax, and wouldn't want to schedule out every second of my days or anything, but still; I do know the power of planning, and if there was one thing that was really killer that I could complete, and improve myself with over a month?  That'd be somethin', wouldn't it?   

I'm DEFINITELY being aware to NOT fill up my time with "obligations" and whatevers. I'd just end up needing time off from my time off.  That'd be horrrible... maybe a week or two of nothin' first, before venturing.  Probably, actually, I'll end up just doin' whatever I want to..but I have a way of just zoning out on things for a long time without getting anything accomplished, hence the idea of introducin' a little structure.

So yeah, the mind reels!  Balancing the excitement of following dreams, with the rational freak-out of "getting something out of it" and even questioning now - is this really my dream?  It is interesting how things unravel, I just want to see if there's an opportunity for an ounce of planning now, to bring great accomplishment then.