Gaia Community: ROb's Blog

Holy Crap! First Year Down (three to go)

http://robsclone.gaia.com — Wed, 09 May 2007 23:51:49 GMT

last day of school for my freshman year!!! Wow, that actually is a kinda cool thing, ain’t it. I don’t really think that the totality of that statement really hit me until I saw me writing that just a moment ago…wow… I’m a Junior in college! In a few months… Wow.

So I thought a couple of days ago about the coolest thing about this whole thing… Just one year ago, before I quit my job, I received an employee review. “Average” was the outcome, straight up average. I received “3”s on everything on a scale of 1-5, except one that was over, and one that was under (the standard corporate trick). One year ago, I was an average, midgrade corporate employee. Today, I am a straight-A student (well, maybe one B…all came down to the final). Neat, eh?

I just had a short conversation last night with this chick in my bagua class…she’s part of the reason that I’m actually where I’m at; one of the…three(?) that said I needed to stop screwing around wondering, and put my heart into what I was really meant to do. Anyway, right now she is where I was a year ago, and she hates to realize it.

Since I quit my job and decided to enroll back in school full time, the most obvious sign that I’m “in the flow” or whatever, has been Money. I had been a good saver, and had enough saved up for my first semester by the time I had quit my job. After the first semester, that money started to run out, but right about then? Contract work just happened upon my lap; enough for ¾ semester.

After that three quarters of semester, I needed money again! Go to do my taxes, and realize that there’s a tax bonus for all first and second year students; just enough to get me through the rest of the semester and some.

Semester’s over, and I need a summer job that will let me save enough for the next year of school and darned if I don’t just happen to get a call for somebody that, oddly enough, needs somebody with my qualifications that can handle an 8-10 week job at decent pay. Well that's just about how long my summer's gong to be; interesting, that!

So I’m telling this girl last night at class: When you’re doing what you’re supposed to be doing, everything Just Works Out. She growled back at me.

Anyway, so here I am: first year down, outstanding marks so far. Oh, and did I mention just how much I’m totally loving it? School freaking Rocks, and I am having so much fun there, meeting the most amazing people. It’s struck me a few times already that there’s just this entirely different energy when hanging out with students (learners), especially when contrasted with the standard corporate environment. Almost daily, I am surrounded by people who dedicate a majority of their time to education, to learning! How freaking cool is that? And everywhere that I listen, there’r these conversations going on, about life, dreams…gossip mostly, sure, but still per conversation-capita, the focus is noticably different than where I was just one tiny year before.

Not to mention a couple of the most amazing professor-people I have ever had the honor of knowing. And learning that language/writing/english classes have the friendliest people so far…

So, I thought I would write something aboot’it. Zaadz had just as much a part of this entire thing as anything else, so I guess I do owe a thanks to everyone here, everyone that helped me find the way to where I’m now at, and…Well, and I guess that’s all I had to say.

Tags: school, life, purpose, following your calling, the universe, the secret

Conversations - Active or Passive?

http://robsclone.gaia.com — Sun, 14 Jan 2007 10:25:38 GMT

It's late, and I haven't stretched my bloggin' bones in a while, but I felt the inspiration and now I'm here - great!

It's all Shelly's fault; she has a great new blog about the lessons in perspective that she's learned, and how they came through in a conversation with a gifted girl at a mall makeup counter.   Check it out!

Shelly's blog gave a strange itch in the back'a my mind, because it reminded me of a little project of mine, that I think I've let slip: working on my role in a conversation.

I've been riding the bus a lot lately, going to school; there's been some blizzards and chances for spontaneous-stranger-community to pop up all around, so I've had a chance to analyze how I act when talking with others. You know what I've noticed that I tend to do? Agree with everyone; about everything.

I don't know how it came about, thinking back it's something I've always done; probably another habit rooted from times of lacking self-esteem. Maybe it has to do with an overun of empathy? I do tend to get wrapped up in other's perspectives quite the easily - seeing their way of looking at things and completely blanking out my own. What I do know, is that all too often I find my self nodding my head during a conversation, only to shake it later. What's to do with that?

I first noticed this a couple'a months back. I was on my way into a super market, and got hit up by two men who were "selling" ornaments of some kind for dontations; fundraising for their church. Now, it's a whole other story on why I never give in to these sorts of things, so I politely said no and kept walking. They pushed me a little bit, but then I just had to be a little firmer and they smiled and started to walk on towards this other fellow that was making his way towards the store. I didn't expect it, but the man started bellowing at me.

"Hey, what do they want! What are they trying!" He was talking to me, apparently making it obvious to the fundraisers that he wasn't interested.

"Oh, I don't know. Money for a church or something." I tried to be friendly as the man increased his pace from behind, now striding next to me. I didn't know what to expect, especially when the conversation was forced on.

"That just makes me sick! I'm sick of everyone trying to get MY money. It's like a virus! A god damn virus!" He was harumphing and shaking his head, sometimes glancing over as if he were scolding the two men who were now hurriedly making their escape.

And what do I say? "Haha...uh yeah, yeah it's getting crazy these days isn't it." Not sure on what to say - I just agreed.

"Like a virus!" he just kept saying out loud as he followed behind me into a store. Getting a little nervous, I just kinda smiled and nodded my head. Then, right when I was turning off his path to head towards the isle I was looking for, it hit me. What am I doing? Agreeing that people raising money for a church are "like a virus?" This is an opportunity to say something.

"Uh, hey man - they're just trying to raise money - it was for their church."

The man paused for a moment. "Yeah. I know. I shouldn't let it bother me, but..." the calm was over and he was back to being worked-up "But it does! Ahhh!" then he turned towards his own isle of destination and kept walking, shaking his head.

So, my project that I've let slip, is taking a more active role in conversations with strangers. I've been exposed to all sorts of them these days, coversations and strangers, and I do know that many are made for that passive ear on a bad day or whatever. But others? Others, I'm not so sure about.

I'm seeing that I'm a part of so many different exchanges each day - it seems like an excellent gateway to getting a little more positivity in the world.

And I've failed latley. There was a person in a long late-night (at the same super market, come to think of it) who was working her self up about how rediculous it was that we all had to wait so long. Where were all the cashiers? The manager just saving money on wages, making us pay with Our time? She was in a tissy about it and all the rest of us in the line had that wide-eyed understanding as we looked around at each other - but you know what we all did when she bounced her ranting off of us? We all nodded, and agreed.   I feel bad for the checker now, a lone soldier in enemy territory. And...and I dunno.

Like I said, it's late, i'm blurry-eyed and rambling.

Really, all this started from the question "Wow, I wonder what Shelly said back to her mall-makeup-counter girl?" And then the question, "what would I have said?" Then I realized what I would've done: probably nodded my head and agreed.

I gotta remember to work on that.

Tags: conversations, strangers

Now in School and...Holy Crap!

http://robsclone.gaia.com — Fri, 25 Aug 2006 22:46:05 GMT

Well, this was my first week of the first semester of my new life as "Student" and...Wow! What the heck was I thinking??

Apparently I've set myself up for a bit of a rough semester, with calculus I and physics. My first day, I was SO worn out! I went to bed at 7pm.

It's funny the oddness of self and definition that are coming into play at the moment... There's a whirlwind of paradigm and expectation shifting; a flurry of mis-definition on just what i think it means to be a "me" in this particular point in space and time... I find my self floundering through my thoughs; trying to attach to familiar concepts of old, fighting the new environment it finds it's self (my self's self?) in... It's actually a bit rediculous, to be honest.

First of all, I'm surrounded by people for which this environment is nothing new. Kids straight out of highschool, professional students for which this is just another class, for... I know much of what they expect me to know...but I don't think that I know it in the way they're expecting me to. I have rough ideas on the concepts they're touching on, but when the kids in the class shout out the details of things I would need to look to a reference for....it's a bit intimidating.

My first day of classes was horribly rough... I kept thinking about how I could "just" (beware the "just!") be at work right now! I could be sipping tea, surfing around on the net, and working here and there to meet deadlines, but NOooo... Now I'm on the bus at 7:30am, exhausting my mind's capacity for thought by trying to forcefully wrap it around concepts and ideas that these brand new authority figures expect to be second nature.   Life could be so easy right now! However I keep having to admit...this is what I've asked for.

I've already been there on the "easy" track. Go to work, do some stuff, come home. The only worries were what I would entertain my self with for the evening, and maybe where the next party was at. Even though that sounds so nice right now, i force myself to remember just how miserable I was in that [now]seemingly blissful paradise.

I keep coming back to the definitions of self that I've been holding on to... I went to my accupuncturist the week before school started; it was the first time that she's shook her head dissapprovingly at the state I was in.   Apparently, in accu-talk, my energy centers were depleted, pulses weak on the whole. She said it happens when we feel drained from the role we feel we're currently playing in life.

I had to admit to her that I hadn't felt like my "self" lately. She brought up the idea of self-definition, and how it can be psychologically rough to go from being a productive member of society to somebody unemployed. It's the same old story that we've all heard before, and (supposedly) heeded the warnings of... The first thing people ask in social situations is "so, what do you do?" I've tried avoiding these questions in the past by answering with things like "Oh, I read a lot, and practice martial arts." But they don't even seem phased and immediately spring to the Real question of "No, I mean, what do you do for a living?" For me, the past month and a half has found the bottom drop out of that question.

Y'know, it really took me by surprise that I may be having issues with the definition of my self in relation to societal standards. I mean, we've all heard about it so much! Most of the self help/spiritual/inner-power material talks about how silly it is that society defines us by what we do for money, how we contribute to society, what we do to 'earn our keep', but y'know? I have to admit that even with all this knowledge, hearing the message time and time again... I fell into it's trap.

I live with my girlfriend, and it's been a bit odd having the day off, and then having her come home from working at a job around 5. Know what it's felt like? Like I had to "do" something, to be productive for the day, just so that I didn't feel bad when she came home. I spent the first two weeks of my 'vacation' doing chores!

When she came home after a day at work and asked what I did all day, I actually felt guilty when saying "oh..read a little...took a nap...played some video games." like totally guilty. I found my self doing dishes, and cleaning up every day just so that it seemed like I had accomplished something. What a trap to fall into! That's why it was interesting to see my accupuncturist key into the same idea, without me even saying anything to her.

And now, I have to re-define my self again. Now, I am "a student". Unfortunately, there's even More oddness to this: I'm lapsing back into old thought and habits from High School! My first day of class I had a memory-realization: I hated school when i was in it!!   So, after my self tried to attach onto my old circumstances of blissful jobness, it turned it's focus towards the past...the pattern it fit in when I was in highschool!

So, now yet another battlefront: the war "against" the past. I've spent a lot of time trying to redefine attitudes - sluffing off the old skin while trying to generate the new, more appropriate to the situation.

I noticed an interesting thing while playing video games a long time ago. Y'know those friends that come over, that you want to play a game with, but you're just so much better than them that they end up hating it? Well whenever I run into that, I try to prune my playing-skills back a bit, so that it's more 'fare'. The interesting thing that I noticed? I can literally "tune in" to a different skill-set of playing; find the frequency of action from an earlier stage of experience, and fall into it, playing like I did when I was at my friend's skill level. When I wanted to play good again? I just tuned back to the skillful frame of mind, and the rest fell into place!

This reminds me of something I heard referred to as "an old buddhist trick", though the accuracy is sketchy since I read it in a Dan Brown novel; the character in the story used the trick of telling her self to Remember how to do something, though she had never known in the past. She switched into the frame of mind of somebody that knew what they were doing, instead of her current frame of novice.

So, this is what I'm trying to do: Slip out of the busy-bee-worker mindset, and into the student-who's-purpose-is-to-learn frame of mind. I have to be careful not to simply slip into the "old" student frequency..the one that hated school. I'm not that person any more, and i shouldn't let some person that doesn't exist influence my current frame of mind. I'm developing a new "me", the self that is a student, the self with the history-of-self that is frustrated with contentment, that wants to grow, and that won't be happy with anything less. Even though the flame may be "self" destruction, the moth of my ego doesn't accept anything colder than the heat.

And these are the themes of my life for the moment: Self-definition, tuning into the frequency of the wanted self, growth, and the realization of the want For growth. My mind tries to attach it's focus to old ideas, old situations, but I need to take the path of greater resistence, for the moment.. This isn't anything like anything I've ever found this self in...and it deserves it's own place, it's own definition, it's own room to grow.

Tags: self definition, school, work, career, ego, self

The Dandelion Seed: Mostly Fluff?

http://robsclone.gaia.com — Wed, 19 Jul 2006 20:53:34 GMT

So, I haven't felt very "Zaadzy" lately, and I'm starting to wonder: am I burned out on Zaadz? What's changed? Is this place that I once called "the biggest source of change in my life" just losing whatever edge I might have attached to it? Am I just out of the flow?

I once spent hours surfing through blogs, making comments, adding to other's comments little tidbits I'd heard that related; I was constantly taking thoughts I had or things I noticed and wondering, can I make a blog out of this? Now, I'm not sure what happened, nothing seems to "grip" me like it used to, there's no drive to contribute. Where'd it go?

This all makes me think of a sort'a phenomena I noticed a while ago, relating to the "self help" spiritual-type book crazes that go around, that I call "The Self Help Trap." Y'see, there's all these books out there, that are quite empowering to read. It feels good to read a Peaceful Warrior, the Celestine Prophecy gives life an extra spark, the habits of highly effective people provides impetus and drive. It can be addictive to read and read and read these books, feeling great every moment, feeling more powerful and secure every chapter that's finished...but then? I've seen many a people fall flat.

I think that there's a trap here. These enticing books with their seductive words can feel great while they're being read, but after a while? It's all the same. The ideas are always the same; take control of your life! Love and let live! Find your calling, and go!! This is all quite fine advice naturally, but how often can somebody read about it before losing interest?

Here's where there's the trap: If the reader doesn't actually make the changes in their life that these books are suggesting, it's only a matter of time before the words lose meaning, and it all just seems like fluff. The Self Help Trap: Too caught up in reading the ideas to practice them, The momentum drops right out.

So I wonder, is that where I am? Have I just not been making enough changes in my life, that now Zaadz has lost all meaning to me? I look around on the blogs and pods... Love blah blah blah, dreams blah blah...change the world flowery fluffy blah blah blah blah.... where'd the substance go? Maybe I'm just not providing it like i used to.

Y'know, though? I see that I'm not the only one, and maybe that has a compounding effect... Only months ago, I felt that I was part of a little crowd. We were all gung-ho, giving it our all, blogging on the important things, each one of my friends offering amazingly powerful writings! We've all seemed to fade Zaadz into the background, and I wonder if we're not still connected; if not in the community of Zaadz, at least in the lack of contribution?

Maybe now just isn't the time for talking, and more the time of work to be done for us. These terrific people that I took the add of "friend" very literally, I know they're all out there doing amazing things right now. Is that how this place will end up working? Momentum, momentum, momentum, gathering up, sharing ideas, stirring action, blogging, talking, thinking, and then!.. This place falls in the background as the ideas are realized? <>

Haha, yeah, so I dunno. I thought maybe if I got out my zaadz-angst that maybe it'd pass. Afterall, I gotta say that I'm in the middle of quite the whirlwind of change, and Zaadz is a big part of that. Maybe it makes sense that I have nothing to add at the moment. I do know that there's one thing I've noticed: Now that I'm not chained to a desk and computer for 9 hours a day, the last thing I want to do is spend much time on one!

So Hello to all my zaadzy pals :) Even though we're not spending much time here, I know that you're out there doing awesome things. Catch'ya on the flipside of this rollercoaster, eh?

Tags: zaadz, angst, burnout, fluff

And....I'm Off!

http://robsclone.gaia.com — Mon, 10 Jul 2006 15:39:02 GMT

Well...Last Friday was my last day of corporate america for a while to come! Now, it's Monday morning, I'm chillin' at home, eatin' a hardboiled-egg-with-humus-for-yolk thing and checkin' up on some Zaadz! Been in a "zaadz-funk" latley, so trying to get a little bit back in...

Friday was some Awesome last day to have. It was "friday goody day", so I came in, and the designated goody-person brought in some waffles and omlettes from Le Peep so we sat around and ate for a bit...

Some of us had just found out that we all own the same portable video game systems, so we all brought ours in and played some head-to-head wireless games for the next few hours...

Then, it was about lunch time, so a few people took me out to our favorite mongolian bbq restaurant, ate and chatted for a while...

Came back, and work was throwing an ice cream social to celebrate good quarter-results! Sat down, ate some ice cream, chatted for a while...

<>Went on a hunt to gather up some boxes for me to pack away all my cubicle-items; books, knicknacks, papers...

Then it was time to go!

It was actually pretty sad when the boxes were packed, and everyone was leaving, saying bye for the last time. That's the biggest thing that sucks about leaving a job, isn't it? All the great people that are gonna be missed. I sent out my farewell e-mail with contact info and all, but we all know how it goes with keeping in touch.

So now, here I am, officially unemployed (as my girlfriend already Loooves pointing out ;-) ) and getting ready to get to work at putting together school stuff for next month. Got a LOT of work to do to get ready for school...Turns out the course catalog they had given me to put together my degree was out of date and some of the classes aren't even offered anymore! It's taken forever for teachers to reply back to my emails I had sent out... The course load is way too crazy to handle, so I gotta figure out what to do. Do I cancel out the botony multi-thing, and just focus on the physics courses? I need to talk to some teachers to see if I can get out of some of the pre-requisistes for classes... is any of this plan even going to work?

It's a funky situation to be in...I don't know how many times I felt like hitting the ABORT! button, and just staying at my same old job, with my comfy life... But, with the help of Shelly's "the secret" daily affirmations, my girlfriend Ginger's awesome loving support, and all the great Zaadzters to think'a... Things are moving ahead!

So, will up and quitting my job and the career I've built up to follow goals and dreams and whatnot, end up being all that I'm cracking it up for? Guess I better get out there and start workin' towards those new goals to make sure it has the best possible chance of succeedin'. It's a scary and exciting thing...hope i'm up for the scarecitement.

Hopefully, I'll still be able to hang out on Zaadz a bit, and get back on track with some more zaadzy-like blogs .

Tags: dreams, zaadz, job, quitting

What Will I Do?

http://robsclone.gaia.com — Fri, 23 Jun 2006 20:34:26 GMT

Well, the time is drawing near! In two weeks, I will have no job and life will never be the same! At least, hopefully...if I end up full circle back at this point, then...Well, then I guess I'd better have a damn good reason for it. So much work, though! I just found out that the course catalog that I based my degree off of was out dated, and need to redo it! Oy, doing stuff involves so much doing stuff!

This is all only finally beginning to seem "real" to me. I find my thoughts wandering more and more towards the future - just what will I do with a month and a half off??

I've never not worked, since I started working. Now, I've planned on a month and a half between ending this job, and beginning school. My focus keeps accidentally drifting towards the "rationality" side of life, and I get spooked...no job lined up? what am I gonna do? Will I find a decent job that will be school friendly and still allow me time to see my girlfriend? A couple of full time "good job" offers have come up as people hear I'm leaving...should I be taking them? No! That would be me stuck back in "just another job", and I'm out for dreams here, not a paycheck.

So, what to do with more time than I've had since I was a teenager? Should I plan something? I'd hate to "just" dilly-dally it away...but would that really be bad? My interests are wide and varied, should I concentrate on "just" one, and master a..something? Should I spread it around, and experience a lot, but get little "accomplished"?

So, let's see...lists are good, I've always found them handy. What are some things I'm interested in?

- Spend Time with Ginger: This is a biggie, but she'll still be working a full time job. I think this means my free time will be limited to 8 hours a day, but I get to see her after work and on the weekends without having a long drive from work! I'm hoping she'll take off a day or two so we can have fun playing in the sun.
- Painting: I do know that I WILL paint over my summer. I've got the bug, and a couple of canvasi, a few ideas, and a fascination with art. I will make time for this one, even if it comes out horrible.
- Learning to play the Banjo: I bought a used banjo a couple of years ago, and started to learn. I was doing sorta okay at it, but then I got a girlfriend and it fell. Should I try to pick this back up? Playing a new instrument is a big pain in the ass, but I don't really have an instrument to call my own yet. Actually, just making music is an interest that I would love to pursue...I feel that I could spend an entire month-and-a-half and only get a fraction of the way towards actually making any music. This one might not be feasible.
- Reading/Learning - I have SO many books to read, and i haven't gotten to read any of them since I moved! I will definitely spend time over my summer reading some books...should I read a couple all the way through, or spread the love over many books?
- Playing: I love to play. I'm SO looking forward to actually existing during the daytime! It's so much more interesting when all the corporate-types are locked away in offices, and I'm out in the sun. Will I walk around town? Downtown? Go to parks, and...what? I'll definitely party with some of my night-working friends, but they don't get up until after noon, so will that mean that I miss out on hanging out with my girlfriend after 5?
- Martial Arts/Fitness: How much time should I spend practicing Bagua? Maybe I could dedicate my self to a month of sobriety and training - how far would it take me? Will I just end up sweaty and need a break from my break? Maybe I can combine this with "Playing", and get over my self consciousness of practicing forms in a public area. Should I take up running? Go to the gym?
- MEET PEOPLE (Zaadzsters???): I want to get out and meet some people, make some new contacts! I already have a lot of friends, and they're a lot to handle..I need acquaintances, haha. I'm really hoping to meet some Zaadz-folk, I hear they grow thick in the Boulder area which isn't too far. What'll I use to hook up some lunch/coffee/something meetups and dig my self more snugly into the Zaadz culture?
- Volunteer: I've been thinking about volunteering at places - is that something that can be easily done just for a month or so? Is there anything secular and interesting for a person that wants to donate some time?
- Tour the National Energy Something'er'other: I drive by it every day on I-70, national energy...umm..something. I knew it before. Oh! National Renewable Energy Laboratory! I hear they give tours, and since my degree will be in something like renewable/sustainable energy, that would be a kick!
- Improve on Playing Go: This is a game that I really freaking fell in love with. I started learning a few years ago though, and it really takes an IMMENSE time-drop to get even kinda good at! I think this is still somewhere far in my future when my other hobbies drop off, and i'm just an old man with too much time on my hands. Still, though, I might try and get a game or two in online.
- Write a book: I have a few ideas for a couple of different books...would it be worthwhile to just write a few pages of a book each day, and see what happens? I hear the book market is a killer machine these days, would I want to get into that?
- Look around at buddhist/zen temples: That would just rock.
- Art Museums: again, the rocking.
- Test out of pre-reqs for college: I think I'm gonna end up wanting to test out of a Lot of stuff for college...at $80 a pop, though...? So maybe I'll need some study time and such?
- I Don't Know: I don't know! I've never had time off, what will I end up doing?? Looking at this list, I think i'm screwed...a month and a half is a lot of time, but it's not a lotta time! And really...will i be able to structure it like this?

So, things are starting to swirl around as my head spins with the possibility of the future. I'm definitely going to take time to relax, and wouldn't want to schedule out every second of my days or anything, but still; I do know the power of planning, and if there was one thing that was really killer that I could complete, and improve myself with over a month? That'd be somethin', wouldn't it?

I'm DEFINITELY being aware to NOT fill up my time with "obligations" and whatevers. I'd just end up needing time off from my time off. That'd be horrrible... maybe a week or two of nothin' first, before venturing. Probably, actually, I'll end up just doin' whatever I want to..but I have a way of just zoning out on things for a long time without getting anything accomplished, hence the idea of introducin' a little structure.

So yeah, the mind reels! Balancing the excitement of following dreams, with the rational freak-out of "getting something out of it" and even questioning now - is this really my dream? It is interesting how things unravel, I just want to see if there's an opportunity for an ounce of planning now, to bring great accomplishment then.

Tags: dreams, life, time off, cando

Allergies and Acupuncture

http://robsclone.gaia.com — Fri, 23 Jun 2006 00:24:37 GMT

(Gonna try to write a short'em'up blog this time...somehow it never seems to work out for me.)

Last Friday was another Acupuncturist appointment for me, meaning another two months at Zaadz! Crazy, huh?

My acupuncturist was Completely stoked to hear about all the changes that are being realized in my life! After bitching about my job to her for a year and a half, the combination of her and you awesome zaadz-folk finally did the trick ;-) Also? Turns out she saw one of the Zaadz ads, and was going to recommend the site to me! But first thing out of my mouth was "So I found this amazing place..!" and she loved it.

Anyway, I went into the treatment feeling good, and came out feeling Great, like always. Five-element acupuncture is such an interesting thing that way. She opened up some blockages I had in the sinus-kinda-head-area (I hadn't even brought up my allergies yet when she took my pulses and found the block) which was another one of those fascinating things she does... And the rest were some support-type points for the changes that are coming.

So, something Shelly said on the blog I wrote about allergies has stuck in my head, and I've been thinking it over a lot, lately. She brought up how many allergies have emotional roots and ties. I've had horrible allergies since I was a kid, so I keep wondering...is there anything emotional that could be there?

On the ride home from my appointment, I felt so aware, open, the world was so vibrant; I was so alert that I decided to clear my mind, put some attention at the points she had hit, and see what came up in my mind.

I thought back to childhood, and all these memories came to surface. Interestingly enough, these memories were all of the pets I had as I grew up; my dogs Leica (a medium-sized white mutt), Fluffer (toy poodle and shitzu - we used to call him a shitzoodle), and O'Malley, my cat. All these friends of mine are long gone passed away now, but apparently anything but forgotten.

The rest of this gets a little corny, but it was a touching moment. Y'see, it wasn't exactly the memories of my times with these souls that were coming up, but rather the extreme feeling of love that I had for them as a child.

Ever had those feelings when giving pets some lovin' where there's just so much energy and emotion welled up inside that you don't know what to do with it? Teeth grit, grip tightens, just feel like shakin' it all out? I had a lot of those moments as a kid. It's actually only the past couple of years through martial arts and meditation that I've learned what to Do with it! Anyway, back to the memories.

While paying attention to driving (naturally!) these memories kept coming up. The memories of excited little puppies coming home for the first time sliding around on linoleum, not understanding that we were going outside for a very specific purpose and not just for play... Sometimes I would just capture them in a close hug. The memories of Leica who would take this very well as she stood there, worried eyes darting around not really knowing just what to do. These were some of my best friends.

So, I'm thinking back to all this, and...well, and my eyes start wellin' and the nose starts stuffin'. All very familiar emotiony beginnings for me. This is the point in a movie where I start counter-measures for saving face. The time that I'd sniff a little and hold it back, thinking it silly to act such a way over a dumb dog or cat. And then I caught my self, in the act of catching my self. I pondered, and felt and experienced.

Shelly...allergies...emotions... Is this what they mean? These feelings of stuffied sinus, puffied eyes; isn't this about what it feels like when my allergies start coming on? So I relax, I open myself to the experience. I didn't ever break into a full cry or nothin', but I felt. The rain was falling on my windshield, (the trees were so vibrant out my open window! they love a good rain) and the additional filter of excess optical fluid gave the world a bit of a glow. I pondered.

I thought back to all the times where I haven't let my self get to appreciate this feeling. Actually, at it's onset, the battle of inhibition begins as I pull back, away from the afflicted areas. I thought about attention, pain, and tickling. It always hurts less when I feel the pain. My feet are un-tickleable since now there's a part of me that lives in them and doesn't run away. Emotional components to allergies, huh? Is this an example of like curing like? Do I ignore these areas in such a way that when tickled by a tree's "making love to my face" (thanks for that one, Tsuya!) the tickled resistence of experience coaxes on the sneeze of expelling?

Anyway, so much for the short blog this time. I have some stuff to focus on, though. I need to make some meditation with the goal of exploring. Do I need to rent a sappy movie? Interestingly enough, lately I've noticed something about my breathing in general. What does it mean when you feel like you're "missing half of my breath?" The front half, actually. I'm now trying to breath in deeply, expanding the "frong half" of my breath and letting go. I'm getting the most fascinating clicks and pops out of my chest as it gives the impression of opening. Hopefully I won't hurt my self ;-)

And my allergies? Two sneezing attacks since Friday. Two too many, but far less than before. Or is it all in my head? Or Is It All In My Head.

Tags: emotion, love, meditation, pets, childhood, shelly, allergies, tsuya

Is Love Attachment, or Freedom from it?

http://robsclone.gaia.com — Thu, 15 Jun 2006 15:37:43 GMT

A new friend on Zaadz, Todd, had an interesting blog up a few days ago about Attachment and the buddhist concept of Non-Attachment. He asked a pretty good question in it about something that had been buggin' him: "...how can you not have it [attachment] and still love the world around you?"

Can find the blog here:

http://sock.zaadz.com/blog/2006/6/attachment

Now, I thought that was a pretty fascinating question. Attachment and the lack of it is something that I've spent a bunch'a time thinkin' about, so I ventured to leave a comment hoping it might help'im along. Turns out that I really had no idea what to say on the topic though, so I kinda ended up with one of my muddled babblin' things that I tend to do. He said it was neat, but that he still didn't get it, so I had to wonder: do i?

I started thinking about attachment, and things we'd be attached to. What about sunsets? What about somebody that totally digs sunsets and never misses a one - does their attachment cause them suffering? Well, what happens when the sunset's "over'"; what would they think? They'd probably just look forward to the next night's, since it happens every day. Okay, so what about that person getting a night job, and having to spend every evening inside a building with no windows and never getting to see a sunset again? Would they be devastated? Would they try and switch to sunrises? Would they just end up loving the twilight and the extra sun they get during the day?

I had put a quote into Todd's comments that I thought might help him, because i felt that it had helped me in the past. It was something some mystic had said to a dear friend. --Ack! I just did some research, and turns out that I biffed up the quote in his comments :-/ Also turns out I got it from Dan Millman! Go Dan! Anyway, the REAL quote is:

I love you as much as I've ever loved anyone in my life—and I don't care if I ever see you again.

Turns out it was from Ram Dass. Sorry for the confusion, Todd... Anyway, this is even better, because it illustrates my new point quite conveniently ;-)

So, love doesn't necessarily mean attachment; that was the point I was going for. And I started thinking about my poor person with the sunset problem, and Ram Dass with the love of his friend... What is the relationship between love and attachment, and what does it mean?

As far as the sunset person, if his love of the twilight was as strong as his love of sunsets, he misses out on the suffering of having the sunsets "taken away" . What about Dass and his friend? What if he never Did see his friend again? What would he have?

If he never saw his friend again, he may have the feeling of loss, or at least feelings associated with a noticed absence of that friend in his life. So what if he loved that feeling, too? It's a very human emotion/experience - the loss of a friend. Actually, it's a very Life experience - I'm thinking of Where the Red Fern Grows, now haha. Anyway, so it's a big part of being alive, and also a rare opportunity to experience. What is more beautiful than the emotional feelings of missing a close friend?

So, it keeps coming to this in my head - attachment through love, and the overcoming of it through more lovin'. Is this a part of the message that all them spiritual teachers try to convey? And how does this help with Tom's question?

How can you have Non-Attachment, AND Love for the world? Does "By literally having love for all of the world" count as an answer?

That's really somethin' for me to think about, which is kinda cool. Even prolly applicable to other things like quitting addictions and stuff...the absence of our desires can be a new unique feeling to appreciate as being a part of the whole life-enchilada? Huh...I'll have to think about it s'more. It definitely doesn't seem like an easy goal.

Anyway, so, maybe this'll help ya, Tom! It may'a at least helped me. (thanks!)

Tags: buddhism, love, attachment, dan millman, ram dass, todd

Allergies

http://robsclone.gaia.com — Wed, 14 Jun 2006 01:27:14 GMT

Have I mentioned yet, that this isgoing to be the season that I get over my allergies? I don't think I have, so I am now, just so I can be held accountable for it, later ;-)

Ever since I can remember, I've always had horrible hayfever-type allergies. When I was a kid, it was way worse than it ever is now; my eyes would itch and water so much that they would turn red. My mom would lay me down with a cool wet washcloth over them, and I'd wake up with them sealed shut from the gunk that'd accumulate. Horrible stuff. Years later though, and now the main thing I have to deal with is the constant sneezing and runny noses.

It always screws me in the summer...I see the spring coming, and the days getting longer and I get so happy because I love this time of year. I get kinda depressed sometimes in the winter, so it's always a relief to see the weather changing. Then the joke kicks in, though, and after my first sneezing attacks I remember, oh yeah...forgot about that part of the season.

Normally I just end up spending the summer/spring popping allergy pills as a preventative. It's not really so bad, just take some medication every few hours, and i'm free! But, there's a new catch... As I do more meditation and martial arts training, my body-sensitivity is increasing. Now, I swear that I can feel negative effects of sudafed, and benedryl. Not sure exactly what it is, but when I'm taking them I can tell that I'm "off". It's not That obvious, and easily ignored, but still...there's something not right.

So this year is IT! I'm done with allergies, with sneezing my head off, with runny noses and itchy eyes. I'm going to figure this one out.

Allergy - From the Greek roots "allos" - meaning "other" - and "ergon" meaning "work" or "action". Typically defined as "an abnormally high sensitivity to certain substances".

Now, I'm not sure how to interpret the roots of the word... Other and Work? The work of an other, meaning seperate of self? "Other" apparently comes from the indo-european root "werg", which apparently is a common ancestor of things from work to "orgy"... Interesting.

Hypersensitivity, meaning an over reaction. Over-reaction to the presence of "other", triggering "work"? Either way, apparently I am seeing something harmless as an enemy, and acting accordingly.

This is the first thing that I'm going off of when trying to intellectualize the overcoming of allergies - It's my reaction to the substances, not the substances themselves, causing them. So I'm going to try and Accept them. I'm spending time accepting the pollon and the dust - the things native to the environment. In this accepting, perhaps there will cease overeaction?

Second thing - I can stop myself from sneezing. Slipping into a meditative state when I feel the oncoming of a sneeze, I can calm my self so that it doesn't manifest. Neat trick, but takes a lot fo mental concentration. Doesn't quite work while driving.

Third thing - Very similiar to the feeling of an allergy-induced sneeze - I notice that in certain circumstances, a well-placed breeze can give rise to the tingling of the nose that creates a sneeze. Energy system malfunction? I can feel the breeze on my toes, the cold gives rise to energy fluctuations, and then bam! I'm sneezing. One comes, and that's the end...no amount of meditation has saved me after the 'attack' begins.

So these are the things I'm trying to work with: acceptance, mindfulness, and energy management. I'm trying to open my self up to the environment, feeling it in fullness. Any odd tingles and twinges pop up, I try and smooth them out through my system. Clearing my mind to help concentrate, I try and dismiss sneezes.

Can I do it? Why not? I see no reason not to, it's my own damn self seeing an enemy where there isn't necessarily one. And this is the season! I'm not going to live each summer taking medication for something I'm doing to my self.

Tags: energy, chi, allergies, self improvement

Lessons in Traffic

http://robsclone.gaia.com — Fri, 09 Jun 2006 16:21:57 GMT

With my fancy new daily drive, I've had a lot of time to play around in traffic. Traffic's kinda one of those funky experiences of city life that can sometimes be puzzling. I've always wondered, why can it be so annoying? How does so much stress, tension, and anxiety come out of just sitting around in a metal box, surrounded by other people lounging around in their own metal boxes? I kinda figure it's like doing laundry: don't really have to do much, but it requires full attention because you can't really do anything else either, and how annoying is that?

Traffic doesn't really bother me like it did when I first started driving. Actually, I kinda enjoy it! There's a lot of people watching to be done, a lot of behavior that comes out through driving that wouldn't normally be seen, lots of time to actually see the area on either side of the road. My favorite part of traffic though, is controlling it.

When I first got out on the road, I was always puzzled and annoyed at those points of dead traffic where there was nothing going on! Everyone's driving fine, and then suddenly we're all stopped. After slowly creeping along for a couple'a miles or so, there'd be this point where it'd all dissappear, and we'd just start speeding back up like nothing happened! I was one of those kids that was all "Gah! Didn't even get to see an accident or nothin'!" I realize now that that's such a horrible thing to wish for, but at the time it at least sounded pretty cool.

Anyway, I started paying more attention to these areas, and realized that these dead spots were really just accumulations of energy from some earlier moment. Somebody would have to slow down or cut into a lane or something, the people behind them would have to hit their brakes, which would cause somebody else to, yadda yadda yadda... that moment is frozen in time and forever more others will stop at that point, passing on the tales of the car, the car who slammeth it's brakes in times of old...Until I come along.

At some point, I realized that there's no reason for this persistance of information, y'know? It's a highway, not a hard drive. I passingly played with the ideas of storing messages in the traffic; a team of cars out on the highway, hitting their brakes at specific points in certain lanes, and they would persist as long as as there was a steady flow of cars to carry it on through time. We'd plan bank robberies like this, or pass on government secrets we'd lifted from high-security buildings... Data integrity would be pretty low, though...it'd only take one asshole on a cell phone to skew the info, potentially causing massive nuclear wars and so much carnage!! I decided to be content in erasing these "knots" of traffic as I went along.

These days, I drive all slowly and consistently while in areas of heavy traffic and I make a game'a "eating" the dead spots out of the traffic. It's a lot of fun, actually! Leave some area in front of my car, I see all the brake lights ahead as people speed unsuspectingly into the trap time has left for them. Some people get frustrated, seeing all the tempting open space that I've left ahead and zip into another lane just to slide back in front of me. They soon meet the fruits of their doing, though and end up slamming their brakes like the rest of them. I move on.

I stand strong, steadily moving towards my prey. If I falter in my faith, hitting my brakes, then I'll just perpetuate the clot; except it will have creeped backwards and then what will I have done? I push on. The red lights ignite on the car that's in front of me, the time has come! I maintain my speed, and right as I'm about to enter the danger zone of the fender-bender, the car shakes off the pause, regains his speed, and time is defeated!

I glance back in my rear view, and see only a smooth line of cars. No longer will this spot be troubled by the lights of brakes and the screeching of tires. The people behind me don't know what I've saved them from, but that's alright. They're travelling a little slower for the ordeal, but most importantly they're travelling consistently. With consistency comes relaxation, with relaxation, acceptance, and with acceptance the loss of frustration.

So, like I said, I've had a lot of time to sit around in traffic and let my mind run. This morning, I couldn't help but wonder...can't I make this into a metaphor for enlightenment? (Yeah, i have LOTS of time these days...)

Cause really, this is how it seems to me. There's blockages of thought that are whirlpools of past thought and experience. As long as our thoughts feed those pools, they'll persist. Is meditation and the 'middle way' simply the calm, steady pace of the traffic of our minds? And what about the wear and tear we save on our 'vehicles'? Less peddle-pushin', less friction, less stop, less go. And what about muscles and body work? Are the knots in our muscles, tales of a time past when we tensed them up, and never let go? And..and...sigh, never mind. It's all just a good time, and now it's time to work :)

Tags: fun, lessons, enlightenment, traffic

Step 2 - Resigning From Job: Complete

http://robsclone.gaia.com — Tue, 06 Jun 2006 21:32:48 GMT

Well, it's been done! The "Send/Receive" button has been smacked with authority, and my resignation e-mail is patiently poised for pouncing in my manager's inbox.

There's scary stuff in the air at the moment, and I'm not sure what i'm sniffin'...I've been plannin' on putting in my months-notice resignation this week, but then last friday my manager went away to Europe for three weeks! I couldn't catch'im the day that he left (which was the same day I heard about it), so I was at a loss as to what to do; I usually think of quitting as a face-to-face transaction.

So this morning this Other guy on my team comes in and tells us that he just called the manager dude, and he's quitting, too! Ack! We're a team with three developers, and now two of us are leaving. The remaining developer is a friend of mine from highschool and the one that got me this job, so now I worry; is his job suddenly in danger? Since our manager's already got planning to do at the loss of one worker, I thought it was only fair to let him know what he's really got ahead of him.

I'm also currently burrying myself in information, putting together my own degree at the college I'm plannin' on headin' to. This isn't an easy thing! I have a catalog that I've gone through and highlighted a rediculous breadth of courses in, and I'm drowning in data trying to follow through all the different pre-reqs and compliments and trying to decide between classes that I "need" and ones that are "just interesting". They're all interesting! And the flaw of broad-minded-thought means that I see how they all relate to all of the others and how could I feel like I gave my self a full education if I'm missing any of them?

In addition, we Still ain't finished unpacking from our move, I've barely been home, the cats aren't eating, Ginger and I have no time for each other, less time for our selves, the sinks are clogged, I feel like I've neglected Zaadz lately, and AHHHHHHH!!!!! What's going on?

Change is going on! Deep down, I know this is all within acceptable limits. This is the friction of the choppy shores of vicissitude, the energy costs and explosions of transmutation, the...thingamajig of a...what'chamacallit...umm... eh.

So yeah, things are movin' along! I still have that whiff of oddness in the back of mind, though. Am I missing something? Are there signs in the weather patterns of life around me that I'm ignoring? How did a blog about quitting my job turn into a quivering blob of confusion?

Hmm. I wasn't going to actually post this but, well, apparently there's just not the same therapeutic value of a meaningless rant without hitting the submit button. Interesting attachment with that one, eh?

Anyway, things are movin', things are crazy, and I'm goin' crazy right along with'em.

Tags: change, crazy, job, quitting

Opening More Loudly

http://robsclone.gaia.com — Thu, 01 Jun 2006 18:19:10 GMT

This new lengthy commute is having interesting effects, since now I have a little over an hour to myself. There's this function of ROb(timeToSelf) that only has wackyness in it's domain, but I always forget the limits until look at my notes.

Today, I was thinking about a few different things. Tsuya and I have been having an interesting conversation about being more comfortable with being natural in how we interact with others. We each seem to have this idea that we hold ourselves back from really expressing our views, our inner ideas and such, in fear of being seen as too "out there" or scaring people into silence and shy smiles. I actually wrote a blog about it a little bit ago; I tend to lean back with opinions I hold, and retreat easily when they're challenged, so...So confidence is apparently somethin' I could be working on. Neat!

I was thinking about the various positions of ego that different cultures hold. The western-mind is typically reported as being somewhere behind the eyes, but some indian cultures report it as being in their solar plexus and i've heard that other asian peoples have been known to report it as in their "tan'tien" or stomache'ish region. Some swammies have meditations where they move their point of ego around through their whole body.

Moving my thoughts around is something I've played with for a while, and I might go into it some time. Shifting thoughts around to the forward of my head/brain was a fascinating (even sorta painful!) experience. So, I was thinking about this stuff, and decided to start trying to think from my stomache area for a bit, so I did and it was nice. I was also thinking about the different areas that all sorts of people's voices originate from, so I started speaking from my stomach also and...what a noise!

I've been noticing my voice lately, and how it changes depending on the different situations I'm in. When speaking with a friend whom I'm comfortable with, on a subject that has both passion and confidence, I can have this low-stomache deep, resonating, authoritative voice. When I pass somebody in the hall while lost in thought and need to mutter a greeting at the last second, the oddest high-pitched squeaky "hi!"s can be heard. Othertimes it can vary within the whole range.

Anyway, so I think I'm going to play with this voice a bit. The hollowing out, rounding of the body can resonate quite nicely. Might also help with some of the ab/chest muscle-tightness that seems to be part of my whole body-issues-package, since if I'm collapsing in on my air as I avoid committing to viewpoints and such as a character trait...well, I could see that adding up.

And these are the things that long lonely car rides bring out in me. Loudly "OM"ing, reaching for deeper and deeper tones, saying "Goood Moorrrning!" in a rumbling voice to each car that passed as I practice for random-hallway-hello encounters...Where else but a car could you be around so many people, but so comfortable? I know the wide-open-mouthed chanting could have looked funny if anybody paid attention, but the resonatin' in my bones was like a massage for the insides. Not one of those good painful massages, but more like swallowing one of those cheap little massage chairs that people sit on in the mall.

Another step in confidence and personal growth? Maybe...Now I just need to stop feeling awkward, like everybody knows what I'm doing and knows that this voice isn't real and wondering just what am I trying to pull this time, when I'm actually just a phony who doesn't mind feeling silly in traffic...

Tags: confidence, speech, personal growth, consciousness

Step 1 - Moving: Complete

http://robsclone.gaia.com — Tue, 30 May 2006 17:47:55 GMT

I just got to spend a long weekend moving into a new apartment! This is the first major step of Operation: Back to School, so i'm kinda stoked and kinda uneasy at the same time.

The move itself was pretty long and took most of Saturday, but luckily we have a lot of great friends so it went pretty smoothly! The major hickup was that the night before we moved, U-Haul called us to say that our reservation didn't work out right, and that we wouldn't have a truck until 3pm (instead of 10am!)! Looked online, and apparently this is a thing that U-Haul does often to many people! Just cancelling reservations at the last second, even for people that were planning to move out of state. Definitely Not a company we gonna be doin' any business with again.

Overall, everything worked out for everyone, though. Our friends were actually pretty happy to get to sleep in, and it all worked out in the end. We had So much stuff that it was actually quite the job! SO many boxes; our new place has just been filled with them and we have little paths we've carved out so we can get around from room to room. Moving made me very aware of the weight of our attachments to material things. Wouldn't it be nice to just throw it all away? Er..give it all away would be better, actually. But yeah, then we'd just end up buying more. Interesting, that.

Our cats freaked out a bit from the whole thing, it was kinda sad since they had No clue what was going on! The stray cat we had taken in a year ago or so was pretty stressed about the whole deal. We were wondering if people had gotten rid of her during a move or something. She just sorta found a place to hide and stayed there for the first day. Our 10-month old kitten was very adventurous though, and took to explorin' off the bat. She's ballsy like that.

Our friends were a great help, we were all really beat afterwards. We were pretty glad to know so many decent people that would take their saturday to sweat and work in the sun for somebody else. Like these things go, I think we actually had some fun doing it. Definitely was a good memory-making-moment.

So, now we live way up north, close to Ginger's job, and far away from mine. That was the deal: if i get to go to school, she gets to live right next to work. So, for the next little-over-a-month, I get to drive an hour and a half in the morning! I pretend like it sucks, but really...it's a beautiful drive. I got to spend the morning with plains and rolling hills on my left, and foothills jutting out of the ground on my right lit up by the cloudy sunrise. I actually miss having a long drive to work! It's where i get to listen to a lot of good music, or audio books and stuff. I'm also looking forward to later in the year when i get to start taking the bus to school. The reading i'll get to do!

It's kinda funny, this new apartment isn't as nice as the one we're moving out of. It's a bunch smaller, the area's not as nice, we lose a bunch of those 'creature comforts' that we had at the last place. Our old apartment was right near this awesome floodplane field with all these trees, paths, little creeks and stuff to walk around...it was great to get lost in. Our new place, I get to walk around subdivisions, trailer parks, strip-malls...nothing quite as cool. To trade to be able to go to school, though? Not a problem!

Unfortunately, I tweaked my back a bit from moving :-/ moving a sofa up stairs. Was trying to have correct posture and all that, and was trying out this thing from my martial arts class, a way to fold at the hips, but apparently I did it wrong! It's kinda alright, though, cause I've been trying to be more mindful of my hips, so having something in pain right around them kinda helps. I've found all sorts of movements that are engaging the strained muscles that I'm not sure should be! So I'm trying to find some other muscles to use instead and maybe that'll help overall.

So, things are shapin' up pretty well! The cats are already finding the little spots that will settle in to be their own, and so are we. Found a neat place for a picnic, already checked out some local food joints and our new Wal-Mart haha. Now, to unpack the rest, and watch our daily routines congeal.

Anyway, I won't have internet at home for a bit, but i'll still be checkin' in on Zaadz during the day. Here's to change!

Tags: cats, attachment, moving, school, routines

I Experienced the World-O-Bodies!

http://robsclone.gaia.com — Thu, 25 May 2006 23:50:16 GMT

I had the amazing opportunity to see the Body Worlds 2 exhibit at the natural history museum last night! I've been really really stoked to see it for a while now, and since last night was Corporate Night, I was able to get discounted tickets! Ginger couldn't go because she had a headache and we're in the middle of moving, but I went anyway and ended up spending over two hours in there, hehe.. they sorta had to kick me out at the end. 0:-)

The exhibit was just blew me away. They started us out slowly, with some boxes with different bones in them. It was great to see that it was completely an educational experience; there were little facts and tidbits posted about every part and body all throughout. The bodies were just magical to see, but the thing I got the biggest kick out of was the people around me's reactions to them!

Right from the first couple of display cases I started hearing people pointing to things and saying "See that? That's where I had broken when..." and "Oh wow, that must be the artificial hip that your grandma just got..." It was great to see. From the start, people were relating their own experiences to the displays! More fully understanding their friend's and their own surgeries...a beautiful thing.

After a couple of cases there was the first full-body display, and man was it freaky. It had an assembled person standing, all made out of muscle, then there was a skeleton next to it, and they were holding a baby skeleton's hands. It was freaky enough to look at, but when I read the description next to it, the muscles were from the same body as the bones! So this dude's muscles were standing next to his own skeleton! Freaky!! The kid was there to show how the bones change from being a child to adult.

The next cool thing I noticed was people starting to use their full senses. I noticed a girl that was looking at one of the full-bodies turn to her mom and say "i wanna smell it!" THen she leaned over, and sniff...sniff...She said it didnt' really have a smell. I hung around each body for a while, just soaking it all in, and there were actually a few people that stopped, looked around, and smelled'em. And I gotta agree..yep, they didn't really have a smell.

I had known that the human body was an amazing organism, but I hadn't ever grokked it so fully as I did last night. The way the organs function, the muscles wrap, and the tendons act as pullys...amazing. I really got a feel for the whole thing through their breath taking displays. I even think I located some of the muscles in my shoulder area that might be causing a lot of my shoulder issues! There's this funky one that starts at the elbow, then wraps around up through the bones around there, and connects to the front of the shoulder-joint. I need to learn the names for all this stuff, haha. But yeah, I really tried to trace it in my own body, while looking at that one. Turns out, as I went around the exhibit I noticed a lot of people just sorta standing next to the body, flexing different muscles trying to locate the ones they were seeing. Amazing.

There was this display that showed the entire digestive tract, from esophagus to rectum, with everything else removed. It made me think of this thing Alan Watts always says, about how we're basically all just tubes. We're all just tubes that require things to go in one end of them, and out the other. Over the years, we've developed odd little feet and legs and things to move us closer to things to put through our tube, developed brains and such to more efficiently and creatively find things to put through the tube. And all this putting of things through tubes wears them out after a while, so there's an ingenious way that's evolved to create new tubes to continue all this serious business of putting stuff through them. It's an interesting bit of mind-candy to roll around, really, but when I was standing there, looking at; at what? At this really really long tube! Is that us? My thoughts were interrupted though, by a girl that when seeing the tiny size of the esophagus said "Whoa...so That's why I choked when I swalled that piece of ice!" I had to laugh and move on... The lessons people were learning from all this!

One of the things I took away from seeing the insides of all these bodies, is how it's really just one big mush of gunk. I caught one of the signs talking about how tightly everything's "packed in there" and I had to pause. "Packed in"? Interesting western thought process, there; from the perspective of if we were to sit down and Make a body. Well yes, we'd definitely have to "pack" everything in, but bodies aren't built, they're grown. I really felt like I could see how everything was grown together, one giant mass of body with just different parts of it adapted to perform the actions appropriate for where they were. Yes, it would be amazing to pack that much stuff into something so perfectly, but I think it's even more amazing to grow something that does it all by itself.

So, I learned a lot from those couple of hours at the exhibit. The cool thing is that Ginger still wants to go, so I get to see it all again! I learned something that i'd wondered about for a bit: How do the muscles of the heart work, to beat the whole thing at once, rather than just pushing sides of it? Turns out the muscles around the heart form in a spiral pattern, so when they contract, the whole heart pumps. Awesome. I saw how the tongue connects through all the different tissues downward into the hip, the support-structure bones develop from impact and vibration, learned about the appendix which was cool becuase i visited a friend's little boy today who is in the hospital from his rupturing.

I also know that I don't want to get any sort of hip replacement, or vertabrae-fusing, or metal rods or metal in my wrists... They had a body that had all of those contraptions installed (haha), and it was really interesting watching the older people go up to it and examine the areas where they had had the same surgeries. I can't think of anything more important to learn about; I was just blown away. From all of the "wow!"s I heard being gasped around me, a lot of other people were, too.

I tried to make sure to express gratitude to the bodies as I went around the exhibit. Their bodies may not have been donated to immediately save a life or to be studied for science, but I think they've served an even more important role: teaching so many people about themselves. I took a moment to thank them all as I signed the guest book and left. There was so much more to the exhibit that I won't even go on about, but just know that if you have a chance to see this, you may really dig it!!

It's funny, when the offer first came up at work, I had a hard time explaining to my co-workers why I was so excited to see it. They turned the whole thing into an odd philosophical "is it right to display people's bodies" type of deal, which is cool, but these bodies are all volunteers, so... As to the question of "is it right" in general? They all seemed to think that it was just basically morbid, and that anybody that wanted to see it only had a morbid curiosity of seeing dead things, but that is so not right. I think it's very important just for people to See and Understand their own bodies. We all have one, this is what we "are" on the inside. More of us is on the inside than the out, and it's an amazing opportunity to see the entire human body. I was extremely glad to see that others were reacting to it that way, no matter what sort'a feelings they had about seeing it before they walked in. I really feel it's an important thing for everyone to see, and I love the idea that now that we have this technology, it's only a matter of time before every museum has their own display for everyone to learn more about themselves through.

Tags: education, learning, life, universe, alan watts, everything, body worlds

Helpless To Help Semi-Helpless Baby Bird

http://robsclone.gaia.com — Tue, 23 May 2006 16:36:12 GMT

Last night, my girlfriend noticed a little bird outside our apartments just sitting in the grass chirping. She figured that it was hurt since it was sort'a hobling around awkwardly, but just to make sure she through a rock near it too, Hahaha. It didnt' fly away, so we figured it must be hurt.

She looked up some info online, and it said to leave it there and other birds will take care of it, so we did. This morning though, on my way to a dentist appointment (no cavities!) I checked back outside and yep, it was still there limping around.

I'm kinda worried about the poor thing since it got injured in a really bad area. This is the strip of grass inbetween buildings where everyone walks their dogs! I watched the little guy for a bit, trying to think of what I could do for it. It was chirping, and other birds were chirpin' back; I figured that was a good sign. One bird flew right down near it for a second, but they sort'a chirped and flapped at each other before the second one flew away, so I wasn't sure if that was good or bad.

I looked back online, and found some really good ideas! They mainly suggest leaving hurt birds alone, But they said that if it was in danger from dogs and cats that I could A) Toss it in some bushes, or B) Make a basket with some grass and leaves and stuff, and hang it up in a tree. That really sounded like a good idea!

I got some ski-gloves on, and grabbed a basket and went back out. Poor little guy hoppin' and chirpin'. He was making some good progress, though, he had hopped half way accross the strip! Maybe he was gonna be good, afterall.

Right then, the other bird flew back, and it had food in it's mouth! It chewed it up, and the baby bird chirped excitedly and kept opening it's mouth up towards it. They put their beaks together and the new bird fed the baby! The hurt little guy was really happy, chewing and hopping all around. Then the other bird flew away again, and brought back more!

At this point, I couldn't mess with the poor guy. His bird-buddies had found him, and were taking care of him. It was actually pretty cool to see; I really wished I had a camera handy.

So, I sort'a sat there for a few minutes, trying to figure out what to do. Couldn't move it, or the birds might get weirded out. The basket thing sounded like a good idea, but no trees could support it nearby. I knew the other birds would take care of it now, but there's going to be dogs romping around soon! It was getting late, so if I was going to do anything, I had to do it quick. I decided the only thing I could do, was to make a sign alerting dog-owners that an injured bird was around, so that hopefully they'd keep the dogs on a short leash.

I ran inside, got some paper an da hanger, wrote out a little note "Careful with pets! Hurt Baby Bird Nearby!", stuck it in the ground, and then had to leave. I can't really think of what else I could'a done...Should I have put it under some bushes? I'm sure it'll be fine, but I could really see somebody daydreaming and being taken off-guard when their dog dashes off; not even realizing what's going on until it's too late! Hahaha, This humanitarian side'a me is getting kinda annoying. ;)

So, that's how my morning's gone so far. What else could'a I done? Maybe I'll head back on lunch and check on it again...

Tags: birds, cute, injured animals, humanitarian

A Gift To Me, From Past-Me

http://robsclone.gaia.com — Fri, 19 May 2006 22:53:20 GMT

I've recently received the best gift from a former me.

My parents are moving to a new house, and out of the one that I had lived in since I was like 10. In cleaning up their crawlspace, they told me to come by and get all of my stuff! I couldn't really figure out what "stuff" they meant...I thought I had pretty much thrown out everything that I didn't move out with, so I was kinda interested to see what they were talking about.

I show up to help them clean out the basement, and they start handing me boxes that say "robert's things". I look in them, and...it's like my baby clothes? Baby shoes and stuff? Haha, I'm all what's this? I didn't really consider any of that stuff "Mine", y'know? Kind of an interesting perspective...if they weren't mine, who's were they? When did I become "Me"?

Either way, it was interesting to go through; my parents had saved so much! Even what I guess they called my "lovey" - a happy stuffed dog-head thing that my grandma bought which was my favorite security item when I was 4 months old. It was actually really odd to look at; there was some weird sub-conscious emotional type'a feelings I had towards the thing. They had to throw it away cause the stuffing was kinda rotten, but I got a picture of it:

<>                                                 My "Lovey" that baby-me owned.

Anyway, so there were also two other boxes of things; things I had actually packed myself from times when I'd throw everything out in my room. These were the things that I couldn't bring myself to get rid of, so I actually remember the two times over the years where I packed these boxes for "me" in the future. And here I was.

There was tons of fascinating things in these boxes. Workbooks from Kindergarten? And first grade? Like, remember the time when you'd draw all these symbols on a piece of paper and ask your parents what it said? I found some of that! I think my mom had told me to save most of the things, which was pretty cool of her.    Looking through them, i got this amazing feeling of continuity... There's so much of "me" that has been "me" since at least when I was in kindergarten!

I kind of remember that in these workbooks, as we went through them in class, we would have to circle each page number just so the teacher would know we were paying attention or whatever. Well in these books, mine started out as circles..then they'd get to be squares, and octagons, and houses and all sorts'a things as I got bored paying attention, haha. The pages where we had to match an item with the sound it started with had a mixture of lines, and squiggly lines, into loopy lines...I do the same type'a things now, which is Really freakin' entertaining.

A funny thing, was some sort of "progress chart" that was filled out for my parents by my teacher in kindergarten. It was called like "The Path that Leads To...Robert" (this was before I was "ROb!") and it was this flow-chart thing that like rated me from working with others, to health, and spelling and all this stuff... and the last thing on the path was "Citizenship." And there were notes relating to how well I would integrate as an american citizen. Interesting...

Found some old stories of mine from school, and apparently I have the same type of humor as I do now. Though more sofisticated, naturally. ;) Combining words into new ones, "verbing" all sort'sa stuff. Really really funny to read. Particularly striking as to how it was the building blocks of who I now am. Or, at least how I now act?

But yeah, neat stuff... I used to draw this dog and cat that I think a babysitter had taught me; I hadn't drawn them in like probably twenty years, so I went and doodled them on some paper. It was oddly comfortable. There was even this weird drawing that I had done when I was like four! I remember always making sure to keep it; i knew it was something "important" even when I was eight. I always made sure to know where it was. Some weird sort'a half-dinosaur, half-man with eight feet type of thing, haha. The symbols and the dino/man reminded me of some of the ancient cave drawings we now find. A lot of them are of "anthropomorphised beings" and stuff. It's apparently one of those "mysteries" of ancient cultures. There's very similar themes with my kid-drawings! I bet we could understand them more by watching the symbolic/artistic development of children. Hmm..

Oh, yeah! One of the coolest things I found, was this note I had written to my self. Apparently, when I was in like second or third grade I was in a spelling bee! I don't even remember it at All, but I guess I took second place! I do remember writing the note to me, though; it took me over an hour since I made sure to use my best cursive writing as I documented the occassion.

Apparently my spelling really really sucked, so I decided to study hard for it, and try with everything I had. My brother helped me study, I always took the spelling-book around with me, and I ended up with second place! I told my self to remember that studying really does pay off, and that I could do anything if I tried. Wow, I think I really could use that reminder. Thanks , me!

There was so much stuff to go through in these boxes, and I was really digging on it! I kept switching back-and-forth, wondering... was way to approach the moment was to study it like an archeologist, or to enjoy as something I had given myself?

Some other neat things were from school assignments and stuff. My biggest weaknesses in 2nd grade were: Handwriting, and use of time. Ack, those are still some of my biggest weaknesses! What do I want to be when I grow up? "A teacher, or a constructor". I think i meant engineer.

But yeah, it was all a very interesting experience. Found notes my mom had left for me after school, notes in "code" that my friends passed back and forth, notes from teachers...All sorts of homework type stuff, some of my first attempts at writing in bubble letters, hahaha. It was really amazing. It's just breathtaking the amount of knowledge that they have to teach us! Like really left an impression on how much work is behind the current "basic knowledge" I now have. Quite the job to teach so much to such little people; I have a large respect for teachers.

And that's about it that was in the boxes. Some old transformer toys and stuff that I got to have fun playing with all over again. The amount of time I spent with these toys! It was all great, all the doodles had big smiles on their faces, there were all these bright scenes...I was apparently a pretty happy child.

My parents found some other stuff, too, like from middle and high-school. That wasn't so much fun. I had some pretty depressed years there, where i hated school, hated the system...got talked to a few times for writing long rants about how they were trying to "brainwash me" on tests I was taking, hahaha...It was kinda sad. The interesting part was how when I read some of this stuff...i really started having second thoughts about going back to school! I semi-slipped back into that mindset, it was really interesting. Naturally, I know it'll be different now, and I'm still really determined, but. ..it was interesting to see the old pattern.

SOoOOooo, anyway!! I really enjoyed this gift to my self from the past. I think I really learned a lot! It's great to know that the "me" i am, I've been for a long time. Just one'a them things, I guess ;-)

One last thing. There was a cool "Kugi" poem that I actually dig that I had written in third grade. It even got a "Wow!" written next to it by a teacher hehe:

    In the mist of shining sun,
    I can see the Tops of tree Tops,
    and the Tops of the mountains

Haha, and I didn't think I wrote poems. Wait... Me who?

Tags: learning, past, me, childhood, school, self discovery

The Ants Go Marchin'

http://robsclone.gaia.com — Wed, 17 May 2006 23:19:48 GMT

It was an amazingly beautiful day out earlier, and I decided to eat my lunch outside, in "my spot" - past the parkinglot, in some grass down a hill with a little creek and small dam that runs by a few hundred feet further. Beautiful spot that I'll miss when I leave this job.

I put my book down, and took a bite out my sandwich before getting to reading. As I breathed in the air, the smell of the grass and the water nearby, slowly chewing, i took in the sites around me. The trees leaves gently rustling in the wind, the clouds drifting by, the planes climbing into the sky at a nearby airport, and I saw the ants skittering accross this brick divider; seperating manicured green grass from the dirt and leaves of the field nearer the stream.

As soon as spring got into full swing, I noticed these ants running back and forth on these bricks - I call it "the ant highway" because that's definitely what it is! Ants run seemingly as fast as they can from the left, and others burdened with treasures of dirt, rocks, food, and whatever else make their trek back from the right. Really fun to watch since you can definitely see the order in their plan.

Sometimes, ants going opposite directions meet up with each other accidentally. There's a breif pause as their antennas flick over each others in a kind of greeting, and then they make a slight correction in course and go their own ways back to work.

I've learned how ants follow each other before, finding food and returning to their hills and all. They basically all leave a chemical "scent" behind them as they run, and then other ants follow the trail of the scent. The more ants that end up going to and from a direction, the stronger the scent, so the better the trail. It's pretty interesting to think about... We "leave behind" light that's reflected off our bodies, and that's how we follow each other. Ants leave behind a "scent" - according to them scientific descriptions.

So I was staring at this scene, eating a sandwhich on this beautiful day, and I start wondering how they know which direction they're going. The scent-method of seeing isn't the most accurate - sometimes some little fellas get off the trail and kinda go a little crazy, weaving this way and that until the scent's picked back up - so I wondered: how do they know which direction's towards home, and which is from?

I pondered this for a moment, thinking maybe there was more to it than we thought, an extra sense, but then I saw him: An ant going away from home, with a big piece of dirt in his little mandibles! Was he mixed up? Did he have another idea? Was he rebelling? I decided to follow him.

I left the rest of my food behind, and started crouching on the ground in front of the highway, following the little guy as he went. Other, empty-handed ants, kept racing past him, and he didn't seem to notice. Sometimes he'd run head on into another ant going the "right" way, they did their little greeting dance and kept going. Twice, though, he got wrestled a little; they rolled around together, but kept going. Was it from the added weight they each had, or were the other ants saying "No, this way!" ? I kept following.

He lost sight of the trail a few times, got caught up in cracks between the bricks on the way. Unfortunately, I lost him in one of the cracks... Did he get caught? Go a different direction? Drop his prize, and continue on the correct way for more? I'm not really sure... Experiment over. :-/

I did follow the rest of the ants to their destination, though. THey all ended up at a couple of little holes dug into the ground by the bricks. They'd go in, and come back out holding a piece and running back towards home. I figured since I followed them this long, I might as well check out their whole journey.

So I followed a few of the ants. Some were faster than others, some could go faster with bigger chunks than others; i really felt like they all had a unique personality. It was amazing watching them navigate the cracks between the bricks. There was always a spot where bricks touched, and they would seem to make a bee-line straight towards that area where the most other ants had gone before. Very cool system they got there.

Their final destination for the pieces they were carrying was a few hundred feet away from the pick-up site. It seemed to be a larger crack between the bricks. I peered in tothere, my shadow over the highway making a couple of ants twitch for a second, and it was stuffed with dead grass and the little pebbles and rocks. Was it their "home", or just the dump-site for the tunneling they were doing elsewhere? As soon as I asked the question, i saw an ant coming from the Other direction, carrying dead grass. He went into the crack, dropped his nesting, and ran back out to the grass area to get some more.

I didn't get much reading done. barely was able to finished my sandwich actually haha, but it was a lot of fun! I really like looking into other creature's worlds, and i was grateful for the ants to show me. The really interesting thing was when I looked a little closer? There was So much life running around on those bricks! Some spiders I think were hunting the ants...at least following them around, darting towards the sound they must make in the bricks. Lots of smaller spiders, some eensy weensy millipede type things...and the ants running back and forth on their highway, with their one purpose in mind.

It was a great look into a world not often paid attention to. It was a magical lunch period :)

---

PS: I even tried to make a little poem about it...and I don't write poems.

        ants turning brick into highway,
        do they know where they're going?
        they stop to say hello,
        their day makes me smile

Tags: culture, home, life, ants

Solidly Average

http://robsclone.gaia.com — Mon, 15 May 2006 23:16:01 GMT

Just had my anual performance review at my job here, and the results are in! I am a solidly average, mid-grade corporate employee.

This, of course, comes as no surprise at all. The only negatives in the talk were about how I could definitely defend my own ideas more, or interrupt others during a meeting to express my opinions. I kind of smiled on the inside since I couldn't think of a way to express that the reason for this is that I really don't care.

The things people argue about in these meetings have so little relevance to anything that I feel is important, that I have no opinions to offer. If I really think things are on the wrong track, I always pipe up with a suggestion or two, but overall? The inner-spinnings of the corporate machine don't offer any fuel for my inner fire.

It's a great sign that everything is going in the right direction; why would I want to stay in a job where I'm just average? I really do need to get out there to somewhere that I can work at with passion. Something that's important to me and not just another pay check.

Of course, I understand that I should put my best foot forward in everything that I do, but that time has passed. I started out as the hardest working employee anybody could wish for, and have been rewarded with the opportunity to climb the ladder a'plenty. Now, though, I'm growing and finally understanding what's really important to me. And climbing ladders isn't it.

In this sterile environment, driven by profits and marketshare; where highly intelligent people spend large portions of their lives in meetings for the sole purpose of perpetuating an ephemeral noun with no soul... I am average. When I get out there where I can sink my teeth into something with substance, that is where I will shine

At the least, it'll be a more interesting journey. ;-)

Tags: dreams, work, job, corporations

Beer Garden of the Gods

http://robsclone.gaia.com — Sun, 14 May 2006 18:34:43 GMT

Camping Friday night was a lot of fun; it was my first time at a KOA site and they’re really not so bad! It was a “free day” there, so it was pretty packed with all the bargain campers. Creepy couple next to us came to the site…I helped them set up their tent..they were in there for about a half hour, and then they packed up and left. Wonder what they were doin’??

Then yesterday we stopped at the Beer Garden of the Gods in Coloado Spring! I learned that when it was “first discovered” by europeans, the one said to the other somethin like “This would make a mighty nice beer garden!” And the other replied “Yes, a garden fit for the gods.” So they called it Garden of the Gods. But it’s really the Beer Garden of the Gods. So I think I’m gonna call it that from now on. I think I’ll also correct others whenever they mention it.

The second I saw them, I was wondering “Wow, what’s the process that creates stuff like this??” It’s just so beautiful and interesting, it was fun to think about. I saw some paintings later in the visitor center that showed some snapshots of different periods, from billions of years ago, to millions, then thousands. They’re created from erosion! Like volcanic activity covered the area billions of years ago, plus the earthquakes and fault lines that created the rockies, and since then natural weather and rain erosion has carved out these amazing structures. It made a lot more sense after that.

Since erosion created these rock formations, we couldn’t help but laugh when we saw a sign saying that “Recent wind and rain have destroyed and weakened this rock face! Please no climbing, blah blah blah..” haha… The thing that created them, now is seen by us to be destroying them. This does mean that some day, the Beer Garden of the Gods won’t exist anymore. We laughed at the thought of conservation groups in the future trying to coat all of the rocks in a polyurethane to prevent further “destruction”. Then, no more minerals would run into the creeks, causing flora to disappear somewhere else, leading to some sort of animal and insect extinction.

The last time my girlfriend or I had been there was from long-past trips with our parents from childhood, so it was interesting to see it from a new perspective. The thing was, though, that like we remembered it being so much more fun before. But as we were walking around it was just kinda…a bunch’a rocks. That’s when I realized what it was: we were being too ‘adult’!

We were reading signs, and walking on the trail. Some signs were up asking you not to climb on certain formations because of reconstruction, or wear or whatever, and so we were leary about touching any of them. The kids were all up around crawling on everything! Actually, the group of Russians were into that, too. Usually in places were there were signs saying “no climbing/scramling!” but they had the language-barrier excuse goin’ for them. The Japanese groups we saw were very reserved, too. Taking lots of pictures. I decided that I had to be a little more all-terrain.

I started climbing around on this huge rock, and it was great! The feel of porous rock really brought back some of the memories from being there all those years ago. That’s when I started having all the fun. I was climbing up on and around eveything I could find, trying to walk on the sidewalk as little as possible; it was a kick! Jumping from rock to rock, climbing up, jumping down, running and jumping on to the next one. The place was still fun, I’d just forgotten why.

So that was really cool. It was interesting afterwards to see all the people that were just walking on the sidewalk. It’s a nice walk, but so much more fun off the path! The dogs on their leashes, following the sidewalk with their owners were kinda entertaining, too. I saw a couple of escape attempts, and even this one dog that totally didn’t want to go home! His owner ended up picking the big guy up and placing him in the car manually.

By the end of the trip when we checked out “Balanced Rock” I was jumping all around, kinda playing with some stuff like this thing called “parkour” which is some sort of french thing. Check out the videos, it’s kinda neat! They sorta just go around running, jumping over obstacles and stuff. I wasn’t doing anything even NEAR as cool like them, but got a neat idea of how it might be! It was just a lot of fun to run and jump and climb and jump, haha. Was a good time!

I think the idea of "balanced rock" is funny, too cause like...it used to be part of one structure, but now it's eroded and now we consider it it's own a "rock" . And since it's still connected, we think of it as if it were "balancing", but really...it's just all one huge mountain that's eroded that way.

I had a can of redbull in my “cell phone pocket” on the leg of my jeans, and it was interesting to feel it slosh around when I was just walking. I wanna try to get pants where I can put a can of water on each leg; then I can practice walking more smoothly with none of it sloshing or spillin’! I seem to have a lot of hip muscle tightness and stuff, and I’m thinkin’ it might have something to do with my jerky-walkin’. Hmm…

Tags: camping, culture, garden of the gods, beer garden, geology, note to self

Thinking of You - Thinking of Me?

http://robsclone.gaia.com — Fri, 12 May 2006 18:16:03 GMT

There's something I've been wanting to blog aboot fer a bit, but it's been taking a while to gel enough in my head to do so.

I realized a while ago, that the things I think about my self and judge my self on, are typically things that I would judge others on, also. For instance, I was sort'a obsessed with thinking that I was stupid for a very long time and as such, seeing a lot of the 'stupid' in others. Which came first? Did I start looking for others being dumb, just to make me feel better? Or did my view of my own stupidity color how I saw the world? I think they sort'a fed off of each other.

So, this was a while ago; i've been pretty confident and see the great in most people for the past few years. For some reason, though, this old 'lesson' keeps coming up in my mind the last couple of weeks...It would seem I have something more to learn from it.

If you're familiar with the whole "mirror neuron" stuff (i think it was a big part of What the Bleep? also, and I Know a bunch'a y'all seen that ;), it makes a lot of sense. This is the stuff where watching somebody performing an action, fires many of the same neurons as if we were actually performing the action ourselves. So, quite a lesson to be learned: We view other's actions, as if it were us performing them.

Ever been embarrassed for somebody else? I know for me it's been sometimes nearly Painful to watch somebody on a TV show or Movie or whatever, going through an embarrassing situation...Embarrassed FOr them. As if I were doing it myself? Hmm...

There's this interesting social-conflict in my office...This one guy that I always thought was cool, and tried to get know more, but he seriously doesn't like me at all. At All! I talked to him about it once, and he said something like "Well, I think we're just too similar to like each other." Interesting...

There's this thing in Artificial Intellingence theory called the "Uncanny Valley". It basically saysls that the more life-like an artificial thing is, the creepier it seems. Ever seen Shrek 2? For me, it was totally like this. The computer-animated characters were so real-like..that it creeped me out a bit. The closer we relate to something, the more of our brain fires like it was us...But it's still off so much, that we get an odd odd sensation. Creepy.

So, I think this is why some people used to seem amazing to me. They were just so "different" that I could appreciate them as seperate. Kind of the whole "star struck" type thing; I don't try to compare them to my self at all. Of course, nowadays I'm fully aware that we're all just people playing different roles.. I think it's why people related to the American president Bush so well. He's so far from us, but still really dumb like anybody.

I think this has a lot to do with jealousy and such... Brain's firing like it was me in a particularly beneficial situation...but it's not, and so there's the anxious feeling. I also think it explains stuff like claustrophobia, where you're thinking your brain into firing like there's all this room, but there's not, so there's anxiety.

Um, maybe getting off on a tangent here...Back to others.

So, it would seem, from the "mirror neuron" type angle... We think of others, what we would think of ourselves in their situation. I notice this a lot with those pretty girls that don't realize they're pretty... They seem to either:

A) Make fun of other girls. Therefore, when they view themselves, they view what they would think of somebody else..and since they would think mean thoughts of them, they think mean thoughts of themselves. Kind of a thinking of me thinking of me.

B) Percieve girls that they think of as "pretty" as completely seperate from themselves. On a pedestal. No neuronal firing when looking at themselves

I have a friend in my martial arts class that I've noticed causes emotions to well up. I see him trying something, and I think "Gah, he's doing it all wrong! He probably thinks he's right, too..." but really...I'm thinking of if it were me performing that action. First of all, I'd be doing it "wrong", so I'd be dissappointed in me...and second, if I didn't think I was wrong, I'd probably think I was right. OOooo, the nerve!!!!

Anyway, I'm trying to hurry, cause now it's late. I'm heading to do some camping over the weekend! Whoooohooo, spring is here! So I'm sorry if this didn't end up making sense. It's really long, but really...all I wanted to get accross was the thought I've been having lately, that... I'm realizing that what I think of others, is (like literally) DIRECTLY connected to what I think of myself. It wasn't until I started noticing the intelligence in others, that I could appreciate it in my self. I start seeing it in myself, it helps with noticing it in others. It's a duality, an important brain function.

If we can improve our thoughts of others, the thoughts of ourselves will improve. And vice versa. So, I will try to "see the change in the world, that I want to see in myself?" Yeah, that's my current theory, at least ;-)

Tags: confidence, reflection, self, self-image, self improvement, other, mirror neurons